The Gathering

Look at her, standing beside her kids at the grave of her fireman husband, The man who died a year ago today. I stand apart from them cause even after all this time, I can't bring myself to face the DeSoto family.

I watch as Johnny Gage goes over and hugs them, saving the biggest embrace for Joanne. A few minutes later, Chester Kelly and Marco Lopez arrive and the sad ritual begins anew.

Minutes after them, Engineer Mike Stoker arrives and again the ritual starts. A few minutes later, friends from Rampart General arrive and give their hugs and sympathy to Joanne and her two kids.

Look at the little ones, the daughter's still in diapers and the Son is looking around at all the people, dazed by all the goings on What will they be told when they are old enough to understand? Those little angels barely knew their daddy. The baby girl of one year didn't know him at all and I fear she never will.

When I look at them, I ask myself if I should continue in this career. Is this job I love so worth it? Just a few short months ago, Roy was alive and looking forward to his daughter's first birthday. By the time that day was over, Joanne was a widow and the kids fatherless. Do I wanna leave my wife and daughters the same way?

Will she get the same call that Jo did someday? Will she get that call telling her to come to Rampart cause I'm injured? As the gathering ends and I return to 51's along with my crew, I can't help but think that Roy is dead because of me. I was the one that sent him in there. I sent Roy to his death in that burning building. I know that firefighting comes with risks and Roy knew that too. Every firefighter knows the risk they take when those tones sound.

There's always a chance that when you leave the station, you won't return. As I sit at my desk now, I know that I could never give up firefighting. Nothing can ever replace the thrill I get when those tones sound and I race toward the scene on the engine.

The person who feels the pain of Roy's loss the most is John Gage for he was not only Roy's partner, but his best friend. Johnny used to be so happy go lucky, now, even after a year. he stays to himself, rarely talking to anyone. The loss was devesting to both John and his fiancee at the time, Katie. After the funeral, Katie gave poor Johnny back his ring and broke off the relationship. That only added to Johnny's hurt.

I can understand his feelings cause Darlene was reluctant to marry me for the same reason. When Katie stood beside Johnny at the funeral, she must've thought that John could've been in that casket instead of Roy. Not everyone can handle being the spouse or significant other of a fireman.

"Cap, Can I talk to you?" Asks Ray Dupree, Johnny's new partner, poking his head in the door.

"Sure, Ray. Come in." I invited. "Come in and sit down."

I watch as the five foot nine man comes in and sits down, He seems nervous. He runs his hand through his receding red hair.

"Cap, I'd like Gage transferred out of this station." Ray requests, much to my shock.

"Ray, Gage is a good paramedic." I tell him. "He and Roy worked here from the time they were both certified."

"I know, but Gage needs to accept the fact that Roy DeSoto is dead." Ray replied.

"Are you saying he doesn't?" I asked.

"He's always talking about Roy." Ray complained. "How he and Roy did everything together. How Roy did the supplies, how Roy drove the squad, how Roy always listened to him. He's even called me Roy twice." "Ray, you want out, there's the door!" Johnny growled, coming into my office. "Roy DeSoto was my best friend! You can't just expect me to go on like he never died!"

"Okay, Gage, okay." Ray threw his hands up. "I'm not good enough for you. Will anybody ever make you happy? You've had four partners in the past year! None have lasted over three months! I get the message, it's Roy or nobody! I don't need an emotional cripple for a partner! I'll clear out my locker and be gone!"

With that, Ray got up and walked out. I then turned my attention to Johnny.

"Cap, from now on, I work alone!" Johnny said, then left me to my paperwork.

I don't know how to help him. I can't treat Roy as if he were an old pair of shoes to be worn out and replaced. All I can do is let John sort through his feelings in his own way. Paramedics do bond with each other. Heck, we all do. I can understand how hard it must be for Johnny to have to see someone else in Roy's place. An insensitive twit like Dupree doesn't help either.

I know, maybe Johnny needs someone he knows well for a partner. His past five have all been rookies. That may be why Gage can't accept them. He doesn't know them from Adam. Gage needs a Roy surrogate. Someone like Roy. Easygoing, willing to listen, willing to do anything with Johnny off duty as well as on.

Who is like Roy here or at Rampart?

Before the start of shift two days later, Johnny knocked on my office door.

"Cap, can I talk to you?" Johnny asked. "Are you busy?"

"No, Pal, not for you." I smiled. "Come in and sit down."

Johnny did so. He then began to let his feelings show.

"I know I've been a pain in the butt since Roy died." Johnny began. "I just wish I'd gotten in there faster. I might have been able to save him."

Ah ha, so that's it. I thought. Johnny feels guilty over what happened that day.

"Cap, I promised Joanne that Roy would always come home after each shift." Johnny continued.

"Except that this time, he didn't." I replied, finally understanding John's reluctance to accept a new partner. "Johnny, Joanne was married to a fireman. She knew the risks as well as Roy did."

"I just can't stop thinking about Chris and Jenny." Johnny shook his head. "They don't have a father anymore."

"Johnny, there was nothing you could've done to save Roy. A minute earlier wouldn't have changed the outcome. Our first priority on any call is rescue, even at the risk of our own lives." I told him. "We can't not rescue people because one of us might die. The person who's trapped deserves at least an attempt at rescue. I feel just as bad about what happened, but I had a duty to send Roy in."

"Try telling that to Chris and Jenny." Johnny whispered.

"Johnny, they will understand." I insisted. "When they're old enough, Joanne will tell them of their father. She'll tell them what a wonderful and brave man he was. You will too."

"But it still hurts, even a year later." Johnny shook his head.

"Johnny, that hurt will never completely disappear, but it will lessen with time. You're trying to replace Roy, but you never will. Roy was one of a kind. You can't make anyone a Roy clone." I soothed.

"I guess I was a little hard on Ray." Johnny realized. "Everyone else too."

"Roy would understand. You're not being disloyal to him by having another partner. You're just beginning a new friendship with someone else. Will you give Ray a chance?" I asked the young men.

*************************************************

Two days later, Johnny and I were standing on Joanne DeSoto's porch. Both he and I were nervous. Johnny softly rapped on the front door.

"How'd things work out with Ray?" I asked.

"I think he and I will do just fine." Johnny grinned.

A few seconds later, the door opened and Jo led us inside for a gathering of our own.

THE END.