Shopping....With Kids!

By

Jane Royce

Roy didn't often get to take his kids shopping, it wasn't an intentional thing so much as it was due to his schedule and Joanne just always seemed to be the one who handled this sort of thing. Today was going to be different, it was Mother's Day and the kids wanted to pick out something special for their mom.

K-Mart wasn't Roy 's favourite store, it was always full of shoppers and kids, too many distractions, too many opportunities to lose kids. Still though, it's where his kids wants to go shopping, so he couldn't very well refuse.

“Daddy, lets go and look at the toy section for a present for mom!” Piped up Jennifer, an exuberant 6 year old sweetheart.

“Mom doesn't want any dumb toy! Lets get her a book!” Chimed Chris, Jennifer's 8 year old brother.

“How about some perfume for mom, I know she is almost out of Charlie, lets see if they have any here.” Roy suggested, but the look on his children's faces told him that they were less than enthusiastic about the idea of perfume as a gift.

Try as Roy might, a straight line to the perfume section didn't seem possible to Roy . He was astounded by the late afternoon Saturday shopping crowd, there seemed to be a blue light special flashing at some point every five minutes that diverted the frenzied crowd from one end of the store to another at a rapid rate, causing him to redirect his children to avoid collision!

The perfume counter was small and unattended, so Roy thought it best to employ his children to look for the familiar bottle of perfume.

“Chris, look on the side of this aisle and let me know if you see Charlie, Jennifer and I will look over here” instructed Roy .

“Sure dad, I'll look and see!”

Roy and Jennifer looked up and down two sets of aisles and didn't see the perfume. Roy was too lost in his disappointment to notice that Chris didn't seem to be near right away/

“Chris! Chris! Where are you son? We are finished in this section, there doesn't seem to be any Charlie here for your mom, we have to rethink this gift idea!”

Chris didn't reply to his father. Roy began to feel a panic rise up in his chest. Where was he?

“Dad. I bet Chris went to the book section, that's what he wanted to get mom, I bet he went to pick one out!” Jennifer chimed.

“You might be right hon, but if we leave this spot Chris may not know where we are when he returns. I think we should give him a couple of seconds.”

Roy found waiting nearly impossible, he was frantically looking around his area trying to spot his son and was having no luck whatsoever.

“You might be right sweetheart, lets quickly go to the book section and take a look. Keep your eyes open for your brother though!” Roy grabbed his daughter's hand and quickly established a route to the books that allowed him a generous view of the perfume section as well, just in case Chris appeared.

The book section was a complete mess. It appeared that people would remove a book from the shelf and then merely discard it on the floor when they were finished. Roy was surprised to see what appeared to be a manager of some sort, shouting at a pile of books. It seemed a rather odd sight until the pile of books began to move! It took one quick glimpse of a familiar hand to realize that beneath the moving books was his wayward son. With a quick yank, Roy 's strength pulled the boy from the womb of books. Embarrassed by the scene, Roy fled the scene with his son tucked underneath his arm like a football to the nearest section of the store that allowed him some privacy from onlookers. Roy quickly took stock of his son to ensure he wasn't injured and then he felt his anxiety for the missing boy, turn into anger.

“Chris, what were you thinking? I told you to check one aisle and then return to me, you weren't to go off to the book section!” Roy fumed.

Chris began to stutter a response when he couldn't hold it in any longer, he burst into gales of laughter and pointed at his sister who stood behind their father with a bra adorning her head! The family had retreated to the ladies undergarment section when they sought shelter!

“Jennifer, what on earth do you think you are doing?” Shouted Roy as he grabbed the bra from his daughters' head. His motions were quick, too quick as was evidenced by the bra clasp getting caught in his daughter's hair. With a resounding ‘ouuuch daddy, you are hurting me' several female onlookers stopped to wonder what a man was doing in this section of the store and how this was hurting a young child.

“Sir, may I help you?” Offered a matronly looking clerk.

“No ma'am, my daughter was playing and got her hair caught, I have it almost out now, thank you.” Stuttered a very embarrassed Roy as he simultaneously tried to reverse out of this section of the store and work the bra off at the same time. He didn't recall Joanne ever dealing with this in her daily life, and was just beginning to wonder how any woman could manipulate a bra when a loud collision brought many shoppers to Roy 's attention.

“Attention K-Mark Shoppers, we are having a 10% off sale on Dici Bras in the women's lingerie section of the store”. The crash was Roy and his bra-entangled daughter colliding with the familiar flashing blue light that seemed to magnetically appear at his right hip with a resounding thud.

Roy now more so then ever, was furiously working the bra clasp out of his daughters hair while trying to get as far from the approaching crowd as he could, pulling his son with him. The look of sheer determination on the faces of some of the approaching women reminded him of a rampage at a county jail last week when an inmate choked on a chicken bone that he and his paramedic partner Johnny Gage responded to. These women were determined to get in on the sale item and Roy hoped and prayed that his daughter was not wearing the Dici bra that was repeatedly being announced!

Finally, with the sound of an elastic being stretched to it's limit, the bra let go of his daughter and the offending item, thrown to the floor. With a cry of pain from Jennifer, Roy grabbed both of his children and fled the store for his life.

__________

Gasping for air in the family station wagon, Roy was unsure of whether to be grateful that his life was spared among angry bra-seeking women or if he should be angry that his children caused so much difficulty today. He thought briefly that his wife must be a woman of great courage to ever take the children shopping and he thought fleetingly, that he wished she were there right now to help.

“Ok kids, lets go and get some lunch, can you keep a lid on it for a little while please? We still need to get a gift for your mom.”

Jennifer and Chris sensed that their dad wasn't too enthusiastic about their day out any longer, so they sat quietly until they reached the parking lot of McDonalds.

“Yeah dad, you are awesome!” “Woohoo!” shouted the kids at they barely contained themselves to the car before it rolled to a stop outside of a bloated looking Grimace figure greeting new arrivals at McDonalds.

“Can we play dad, please!!!???” Begged Jennifer and Chris when they realized that this McDonalds also housed a play land, a play room that seemed to encase 100 screaming kids engaged in various forms of play.

“Sure guys, I'll order the food and get a table but when I call, you some right away” instructed Roy as he saw his children happily throw themselves into the frenzy of children.

The food arrived quickly enough and Roy was blissfully happy when he found a table in good location. He set up the food and proceeded into the play area to call his children.

“Jenny, Chris, the food is on the table, it's time to come out.”

No response.

“Jenny, Chris, the food is on the table, it's time to come out. Lets go kids!” Shouted Roy a little bit louder, to be heard.

Still no reply.

Roy stood still and looked at the throng of children and when he spotted his own, he decided to just simply wade into the fray and extract his children and lead them to the table.

Ray was amazed by the strength of the children in the play area, and their unwillingness to surrender a fellow mate, even for fries and a coke! It seemed that the harder Roy tried to get to his own children, the more difficult it was to obtain the goal. “Chris, come on son” urged Roy , hoping to get his son's attention.

“Coming dad, we are coming” Chris finally responded.

Roy didn't like what he saw, his daughter was enjoying a game of some sort and it appeared that too many players were spoiling the fun, she was having a hard time getting through the crowd. Roy thought it best to meet her halfway. Approaching his daughter was not easy, but he did manage to get his hand around her wrist and gently tugged her forward to freedom. A gentle pull resulted in her losing her balance and she began to tumble, Roy realizing this stepped forward to prevent the fall and in the process, stepped on the foot of a young boy. Realizing his misfooting, Roy pulled back and apologized to the boy but the reply was unexpected as a small fist landed squarely in his right eye.

“Ouch, dammit what in the hell did you do that for?” Roy shouted, wincing as his eye exploded in pain.

“Daddy, that bad man swore at me!” Yelled the little boy with the iron fist.

Roy realizing that this was chapter two of his bad day, grabbed his children and led them from the play area to their table with their chilling food. They all sat down while Roy buried his head in his hands. He was certain that he was going to sport a black eye at the end of the day. How was he going to explain this to the guys at work, to his wife? The thought of it all brought on an instant headache.

Two bites into his lunch, Roy felt a rather hard tap on his shoulder. He turned to look at a man with his son beside him. This wasn't an ordinary man, this was a goliath who must be a linebacker for a pro football team. This guy looked mean, and has a set jaw just like his violent little son.

Roy didn't need to respond, his glance yielded a quick punch in his other eye as the goliath shouted ‘you swore at my boy? Nobody talks to my kids like that mister!” and with that he turned on his heels and returned his son to the play area confines.

In pain and totally in shock with what just happened, Roy turned his attention back to his children, accidentally spilling his coke in his lap. With the new found insult added to his injuries, Roy just gave up. He instructed his children to quietly package their food and go to the car with him. In shock, pain and soaked with sticky coke, Roy recalled the events of the day and the purpose he had for it all. A vision of Joanne swam before his eyes briefly.

Safely inside the car, the kids just knew not to speak. Their dad had a headache and they knew the signs. Quietly, they looked at each other and just nodded their heads.

Driving along, Roy didn't know where he was heading, he just knew that above all else, he just wanted to have a shower and lie on the lounge chair in the backyard with a bottle of beer.

Roy was driving for five minutes when he realized that he seemed to be instinctively driving home. He hadn't gotten a gift yet but honestly, he was almost too tired to care. He had stopped at a red light and patiently awaited his turn to go when a sudden and wrenching collision shattered his world. Roy 's immediate reaction to being ploughed into from behind was shock and concern for his children. His head whipped around to see their condition and tears of pain occluded his vision. Roy slumped over, hearing his children calling to him.

Sirens brought Roy to a great awareness and probing hands caught his attention.

“Roy, Roy , come on pal, Johnny will kill us if we do this wrong. Tell me what happened.” Bellingham coaxed of a stuporous Roy .

“I'm fine” slurred Roy , “check on my kids first.” Roy instructed.

“The kids are find Roy , Brice has them on the sidewalk, they are uninjured. You though my friend, look like hell with two black eyes!”

“Oh man” moaned Roy , his dream of a warm bask in the sunlight with a beer, a faded memory.

A check of Roy revealed a whiplash type injury and as a precaution, Bellingham secured Roy 's neck with a brace. His plan was to transport Roy to hospital for a more thorough assessment and treatment. Roy 's black eyes were a concern to Bob, as it is often a sign of concussion.

Roy was gently guided out of his car and to the sidewalk with his children where he could hear Jennifer's animated account of the day in her broken speech typical of her excitement level. Brice was getting an earful when Roy arrived at the scene. From the account of the two kids, Brice noted that a bra was involved, many books, an angry kid and a giant and spilled coke. His wasn't to wonder why, so he awaited an ambulance to transport the DeSoto family to Rampart.

The ride to the hospital was swift and painless, and embarrassing. Roy didn't like being a patient and he knew his biggest problem lay with Joanne and explaining to her what had happened. He was given a reprieve when the door opened and Dixie entered. She glanced at the DeSoto family and withheld a chuckle as Jennifer and Chris recounted the details to the nurse.

“So, did you get a gift for your mom yet?” Dixie asked? The looks on all three DeSoto members told the tale, no gift after all of this and now with a wrecked car, the task would be impossible.

“Listen kids, go to the gift shop across from my nursing station and tell the lady at the counter that you need some flower and that Miss McCall sent you.” The kids left with that instruction, with Dixie 's glance keeping them in her view. They returned a few moments later with flowers in hand and wide smiles on their faces.

The treatment room door burst open and a tearful Joanne being supported by Johnny entered. “ Roy , what on earth happened? Johnny came to the house and told me you'd been in an accident and brought me here, he got a call from Bob, what happened!” wailed the distraught mom.

“Jo, let me explain! Argggh” Winced Roy as he turned too quickly. Joanne rushed to her husband's side and took his hand. “Jo…”

“Mom, Jenny put on a bra, we fell down, we went to lunch and a giant punched daddy right in the face, and someone hit our car!” shouted Chris, still pumped from the day's events. “But we have flowers for you and picked them ourselves. Happy Mother's Day mommy!” the two kids chimed.

Taking a moment to try to digest all that the kids just said and knowing what it meant in kids-speak, Joanne threw her arms around her sore husband and declared “I love you Roy !”

The End