Say It While You Can
Serena tried hard to swallow the lump of disappointment in her throat before it could turn into tears. She and Robbie had been planning this get-a-way weekend to celebrate their anniversary and to finish the honeymoon that had been cut short. "I wonder how she knows", Serena thought wiping a tear away as she packed their clothes for the trip to Topanga. Robbie's mother was in the hospital with chest pains for the second time. They had been called home from their honeymoon when she had been hospitalized before, and the doctors had determined that she was having severe anxiety attacks. Donald, Robbie's brother, had sounded as apologetic this time as he had then. "We really don't know if it's her heart or not". Poor Robbie. Serena held his favorite shirt close to her heart. Since his father's death six months ago, he couldn't deny his mother anything, even though he too felt this was another anxiety episode. So, instead of January in Cancun, tomorrow they would fly into LAX, rent a car and drive to his mother's canyon home.
Serena tucked her wavy brown hair behind her ears as she worked. She and Robbie had known each other for 3 years prior to their marriage. He was the friend she had turned to after the breakup of a long relationship. His quiet, gentle ways had won her heart, and it wasn't long before she realized she wanted more than friendship. 'He was so shy,' Serena thought, "if I hadn't asked him out, we probably would have never had a chance.' They dated for 18 months, and Robbie made her realize how beautiful love could be, with the right person.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Where are you today, Junior?" Roy DeSoto was becoming agitated with his young partner.
The two paramedics had been trying to complete their morning assignments before the day got busy. Every time Roy turned his back, Johnny was gone.
"Wha? Oh, another night discussing relationships with Meghan. I guess I'm preoccupied."
Roy DeSoto looked at his partner's pale complexion and tired eyes with nothing short of fascination. Meghan McGee was the staff OBGYN at Rampart General Hospital. Johnny Gage, the perennial "Ladies Man" had fallen fast and hard. He lived with Meghan for 6 months, before finally putting an engagement ring on her finger. That must have been about 2 months ago. They're still having relationship discussions?
"Do you want to talk about it? Roy asked, sitting on the locker room bench.
"No. No, I don't want to talk about it". Johnny said. He sat down beside Roy and began running his hands through his hair and rubbing his face. Two sure fire signs that the young man was upset.
"Alright". Roy sat quietly, painfully aware of the onslaught that was coming.
"OK, let me ask you this Roy, you're a married man. You ask a woman to marry you. You live with her, buy her a ring, and try to do the right thing and treat her good; you know what I mean? She wants in my head Roy!" Johnny said with exasperation.
"In your head?" 'Oh boy, now I'm really going to hear something' Roy thought. Johnny Gage's head was not somewhere one went unprepared.
Johnny dropped to the locker room bench and put his head in his hands.
He's really upset about this, Roy thought to himself, everyone who knew Johnny was aware of his almost fanatical need to keep his personal life private. He has shared more with Joanne and I than he had ever shared with anyone, and sometimes, I have the feeling I don't really know him.
"Roy, she keeps asking me if I love her, I can't believe it. She lives with me, she wears my ring, and if we don't kill each other, in June, she will be my wife. What does she want? I sat on the couch all night and listened to her cry…. Oh man, I hate to hear her cry."
"Well, did you tell her you loved her?" Roy asked quietly.
"Yeah, well…yeah, I did. She acts like she can't remember anything, always wanting me to say it again. It's not just that, she, uh, wants to know how I feel about things, like how I feel about her or this or that. I, uh…I'm just not used to talking about how I feel all the time Roy." Johnny stammered.
" Look Johnny, women need to hear that kind of stuff. Joanne is still asking me if I love her and we've been married 12 years. It's not that they forget, they just like to hear the words. Something else, Junior, remember, they never know if we're coming home or not. That 'I love you' may be the last one they ever hear."
"Meghan is an intelligent woman, a doctor for God's sake. She knows about risks, and we've always been open about the dangers of me being a firefighter."
"Yes, she's intelligent and knows all about the risks. She knows how to be a doctor and she knows how to be involved with a civilian, but you're the one who has to help her be a firefighter's wife"
"Man, that's a lot to think about isn't it? Johnny sighed. "What do women want when…"
As the tones sounded, Johnny shook his head to clear it and headed toward the squad. Roy sighed in relief, at least if Johnny was working, he wouldn't be torturing himself, or anyone else, for awhile anyway.
~*~*~*~*~
Standing with her head in the fridge, Meghan pondered breakfast and her life. With her curly red hair a tangle around her lightly freckled face, she was unaware of her beauty. In Johnny's t-shirt and panties, she began a series of ballet exercises using the kitchen counter as a barre.
'Not a classic beauty' Johnny thought as he watched her stretch her long legs. 'Elf, and gorgeous elf.'
She was concentrating on her exercise and her musings and didn't see Johnny watching her.
"Meghan McGee" she said out loud, "you are not a stupid woman, you can do this".
"No, Meghan McGee, you're not a stupid woman, or you wouldn't be with me!"
"Johnny! I didn't hear you come in", Meghan said as her slender hand flew to her throat.
"Obviously," he grinned, "But, can I have a kiss, my green eyed elf? That is, if you're over the shock of seeing me walk into my own house to find you talking to yourself." He held his arms out to her.
She went to him willingly, as always.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Joanne DeSoto lay in her husband's arms and watched him stare at the ceiling. He had been a million miles away all evening. Roy's evenings at home were such a treat because of the normal firefighter's work schedule. They had set aside one night a month for "date night", and this was it. She had prepared his favorite dinner and they had danced on the deck in the moonlight. She had also made a trip into town to buy the new silk nightgown she was wearing.
"What a waste," she mumbled, snuggling closer to her husband
"What? What's wrong Jo?"
"Roy, you're not even in the house tonight, where are you?"
"Oh, sorry Babe," Roy answered sheepishly, "I'm just worried about Johnny."
"Johnny!" Joanne sat up abruptly, "He's not hurt is he?" She knew the bond that her husband shared with his partner was a strong one, and over the years, she had developed a pretty strong tie herself. He was a baby brother to her, although, she smiled to herself, he would be furious to hear himself called her "baby" anything.
"No, no, physically, he's fine." Roy said running his fingers through her hair.
"Then what is it?" Joanne laid her head back on her husband's shoulder.
"Well", he began, "Meghan is trying to get Johnny to bare his soul. You know, 'tell me you love me, tell me why you love me', those kinds of things"
"Roy, you know 'those kinds of things' are what women love and need to hear. You don't have a problem sharing your feelings, about anything."
"Jo, it's different for Johnny. I never had to defend myself because of the way I looked. I always had my family, and almost always, I had you. Johnny's learned to hide his feelings. On the reservation, he had to fight because he wasn't 'Indian' enough, and off the reservation, he wasn't 'white' enough. I can't believe he ever learned to trust anyone at all, after all he's been through".
Joanne held her husband close. It was hard to see him hurting so much for his friend.
"Roy", she began, "Meghan loves Johnny, and I believe he loves her, they will work this out. He will learn to trust Meghan, just like he learned to trust you."
"You know, Joanne", Roy began quietly, "This is just one of the reasons I love you so much. You understand my moods and know just the right thing to say to put my mind at ease." He took her in his arms and began to rain soft kisses on her face.
"That's because we have always shared our thoughts Roy, Johnny and Meghan will learn". She sighed as her husband deepened his kiss.
"Jo?" Roy said with his beautiful blue eyes flashing.
"Hmm?" she said as he raised his head, taking his lips away from her mouth.
"It wasn't a waste."
Joanne smiled as her husband slipped the silk strap off her shoulder.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Meghan held Johnny in her arms with her eyes closed, praying she could always hold him as close as she was now.
"Meg?" Johnny whispered.
"Yeah?" Meghan answered. She thought Johnny had fallen asleep.
"What were you talking about, you know, when I came home? You were talking to yourself".
Meghan hesitated a moment. "I was thinking about us, John".
"Us? You said, 'I can get through this', Meghan, get through what?"
"I meant, us, learning to communicate. Johnny, sooner or later, we have to learn to talk to each other or we aren't going to make it." Meghan heard her voice growing shrill with emotion and tried to bring it under control. "I know that you're not used to sharing your thoughts with people, but Johnny, I'm not just 'people', I'm going to be your wife!".
"Are you sure that's what you want Meghan, to be my wife? I mean, do you want me if I can never have all those 'touchy, feely' conversations some couples have? I love you, I care about you, and sometimes, that's all I'm going to be able to give. Isn't that enough?" Johnny's voice echoed the frustration he felt.
"No, Johnny," she said as she pulled out of his arms, " it's not enough! I want to know what I mean to you!"
"I just told you." Johnny said, his voice weary.
"You can't keep running away from difficult conversations Johnny."
"I'm not running away, I'm going to sleep," as he grabbed his pillow and headed to the couch.
"Another night with me and the TV", Johnny thought "Great! Just great!"
Meghan lay in their bed and sobbed into her pillow.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Three thousand miles away, Serena lay on her side and watched Robbie sleep. In just a few hours they would have to get up and head for the airport. Time had lessened some of the disappointment of their vacation being cancelled, but not all of it. She had such plans! She closed her eyes and visualized them lying on the beach in Cancun, and then the look on Robbie's face, when she told him he is going to be a father!
Oh well, I'll tell him in Topanga and he won't have to make long distance calls to the family, she thought with a smile. Sweet Robbie. She brushed the brown hair back from his forehead and then snuggled against his back for the last few hours of sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Robbie, you go pick up the rental car, and I'll get the bags. We are so late, I hope your Mom's not worrying about us."
"Serena, my mom worries about everything, that's what's wrong with her" Robbie said with a big grin.
"Well, this is one thing she isn't going to have to worry about. If you get the car and I get the bags, we can be on the road in maybe an hour".
"What time is it, anyway? " Robbie asked
"Noon, and if we don't hurry, we'll be on the Canyon road with every school
bus in LA County"
"What a treat," Robbie scowled, and went to the rental desk.
"Hi, I have a reservation under Howell," Robbie said.
"Howell? H-o-w-e-l-l? " The clerk asked.
"Yes, that's right, Howell."
"I'm sorry sir, when you didn't make your 11am pick up time, the reservation was cancelled."
"Do you have anything?" Robbie asked. He was exasperated. This reservation clerk acted like he single handedly made the plane late and lost the reservation.
"Yes, sir, I can get you a car, but it will be about an hour."
"An hour!" Robbie exclaimed.
"There's a restaurant in the terminal".
"Ok, I'll be back in an hour." Robbie walked away from the desk wondering how he would explain this to Serena.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An hour and a half later, they were finally on the road. The drive through LA from the airport was harrowing, but after they reached the Topanga Canyon Rd. Serena began enjoying the beautiful countryside.
"Only in California, could it be January and be this lush and green."
"California or Cancun", Robbie said, "but it is beautiful. I had forgotten. When we decided to move to Tennessee, I just never looked back. Thank God we did move, or I would have never met you." He took Serena's hand and gently kissed her palm.
"Next time you see a place to stop, I would love to have a strawberry shake"
"Serena! What's with you and these milkshakes lately!" Robbie laughed. "You're going to be as big as my mother!"
"Excuse me! Do you see any flab on this body?" Serena asked, mock hurt in her voice. "And if you want to see your mother at any weight, you had better slow down."
"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing, I would never hurt my baby, Baby." Robbie joked.
At that moment, a light blue pickup truck pulled out of a salvage yard on a blind curve.
"Robbie! Watch out!" Serena cried.
Robbie slammed on the breaks, causing the rental car to careen out of control, yawing from one side of the double lane highway to the other. At one moment it seemed they would go flying through the fence and into the salvage yard and then the car began to skid in the opposite direction, crossing left of the centerline.
"Oh Jesus!" Robbie screamed.
As Serena turned to him, there was a sudden crash and then darkness. When she opened her eyes, she saw to her horror, they had been in a head on collision with a tractor-trailer rig. Serena struggled to turn in the seat, pain shooting through her leg, to face her husband. He was slumped over the steering wheel and had not moved. Gently, she pushed him off the wheel and back into the seat. As his head fell back, she grabbed his wrist to check for a pulse, and began to cry.
"Robbie! please open your eyes! Robbie talk to me, I love you and I need you to open your eyes for me."
Her cries were met only with silence. It seemed she heard voices in the distance and heard footsteps running toward the car, then, mercifully, she fainted.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Ma'am?" Johnny Gage asked, "Can you hear me? I'm a paramedic and my partner Roy and I are going to get you out of this car and help you. Do you understand?"
"Robbie?" Serena whispered.
Johnny looked over to the other side of the car where Chet Kelly was checking the driver. Chet shook his head no.
"What's your name, Ma'am?" Roy asked.
"My name? My name is Serena Howell. Is my husband ok?"
"That other fireman there, his name is Chet. He's going to take good care of your husband, so Johnny and I can help you," Roy said.
"No! I want you to help Robbie!" Serena cried.
"Look Serena, we need to help you now. We have to get you out of the car to do that." Johnny said. "Can you tell me where you're hurt?"
"Is Robbie dead? You have to tell me! I have to know what's wrong with him, or you're not touching me!" She shrieked fighting the two paramedics trying to help her.
"Serena?" Roy said gently, "Your husband didn't make it. I'm sorry. His injuries were just too severe. Now, we have to get you out of the car so we can help you. That's what your husband would want, isn't it? For you to get medical care?"
"I thought he had a pulse at first." Her tears began to mingle with the blood on her face. " Oh God! Yes. Yes, that's what he'd want." Serena admitted with the tears and blood flowing down her cheeks.
"Okay. Now, where do you hurt the most?" Roy asked.
"My right leg hurts so bad and my hip." She gasped. "It hurts when I breathe too," as Roy noted she was having taking each breath.
"Do you have a medical problems? Are you allergic to anything or taking any medication?"
"No. Nothing at all. I just found out I'm pregnant, so I haven't taken even an aspirin."
"You're pregnant?" Johnny asked "How far along?"
"Just about 8 weeks. Oh God! I hadn't even told Robbie! We were going to have our anniversary this weekend, and I was going to tell him then. I should have told him, while he was alive. I know he had a pulse. I know he did! I should have told him then." Serena began to sob.
Rampart, this is Squad 51, We are at the scene of a MVA involving two vehicles. We have a male fatality and a female, age 24, an unrestrained victim. She appears to have a fractured right femur, possible fractured pelvis, fractured right ribs, as well as head trauma. A 4-cm laceration above her right eye with possibly fractured facial bones. Vital signs to follow. Rampart, be advised, victim is pregnant, approximately 8 weeks. We have not yet extricated her from the vehicle. The driver of the second vehicle refuses treatment.
As Roy took Serena's vital signs and dressed her facial laceration, Johnny relayed the vital signs to Dr. Kelly Bracket, at the Rampart base station.
"Roy!" Johnny called. "Rampart advises start IV with Ringers."
"Got it, IV, Lactated Ringers," Roy confirmed the instruction.
"Alright Serena, I'm going to start an IV in your arm. Then we'll get you out of here and on the way to Rampart General".
With the IV started, Roy covered Serena's face and body with an emergency blanket, as Chet began to operate the Jaws to release the buckled door from the body of the car. Within minutes, Serena was out of the car and lying on the ground beside it. Pain began to wash over her body, as the emotional shock of the accident wore off. She gritted her teeth against the pain, and tried to keep from crying out loud. Roy, seeing her obvious discomfort, knew that because of the head injury, they would not be granted permission to use pain medication. He began to ask her questions to distract her as Johnny immobilized her leg.
"You said you were celebrating your anniversary this weekend?"
"Yes". She said through her clenched jaw. "One…"
"One year, your first anniversary?" Roy asked. "Oh God," Roy thought to himself, "Life has not been fair to these kids."
"No, not one year" Serena sobbed, "One month. We have only been married 28 days, today!"
Roy couldn't look at his patient for a moment; he was so overwhelmed with grief for this young girl. He looked at Johnny and saw his face pale as he squeezed his eyes shut.
A hand on his arm brought Roy's attention back to Serena.
"Are either of you married?" She asked.
"Uh, I'm married, Johnny here….
The hand on his arm gripped him even tighter and he saw Serena grab Johnny's arm also.
"If you have anything to say to the people you love, say it now", She cried. "If you don't, you may never have another chance. Say it now!"
As the ambulance was pulling up to the accident scene, Serena lost consciousness again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Johnny backed the squad into the emergency room parking area just in time to see Roy enter with the stretcher bearing their patient. He was glad Roy had begun treatment so that he had to ride in with the patient. He didn't think he could stand the look of hurt and devastation on the young woman's face.
Inside, Dixie McCall met the stretcher and directed them into Room Three. Dr. Brackett and Dr. Joe Early, both followed them in and began their examination. Roy hung the IV bag on the pole and relayed his latest vital signs to the doctors, who immediately began assessing their patient. Roy left the room and went to find his partner.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In the Doctor's Lounge, Johnny Gage sat staring at his cup of coffee. Roy came in, got his cup and sat quietly at the table and waited. He could see that this was not just another rescue to Johnny. Hell, it wasn't to him either. Two young lives, just beginning together, with a new marriage and new baby on the way. They must have had such plans, and now, they would never have the chance.
"I wonder", Johnny began, "if her husband had any idea about the baby."
"Well, you know she said she hadn't had the chance to tell him. It was going to be her big anniversary surprise."
"Yeah, surprise." Johnny said bitterly. "The man left this world never knowing he was going to be a father. I wonder why she didn't tell him when she suspected she might be pregnant."
Roy thought for a moment and then looked his partner in the eye.
"I think that's the point she was trying to make back there, Johnny. Tell the people you care about how you feel, share your good news. She thought they had a lifetime, not knowing their lifetime together was only going to be a month."
At that moment Dr. Bracket and Dixie came into the lounge.
"How is she, Doc?" Roy asked.
"Lucky to be alive. She has a fractured right femur in three places that will have to be surgically repaired, three fractured ribs, and concussion with some fractured facial bones. The laceration on her forehead damaged a nerve in her face, but the neurologist feels that will correct itself, in time. She's up in surgery now, but she'll be lucky if she walks without assistance."
"What about the baby?" Johnny asked.
"We'll have to wait and see…the injuries to her pelvis are severe. The fetus may not survive."
"For God's sake, Doc, it's a baby, not a fetus! A baby! One that doesn't have a father and has a mother who may be crippled for life." Johnny yelled as he stormed out of the room.
"Is he going to be alright?" Dixie asked.
"I don't know yet". Roy said as he followed Johnny out into the hall.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A few minutes of searching later, Roy found Johnny at the bank of payphones in the ER lobby.
"Meg? Honey, I just wanted to tell you…" Johnny began. He looked over and saw Roy standing in the hallway watching him with concerned eyes. Dixie walked up behind Roy.
As Johnny's eyes met his partner's, he finished his sentence, for once, unconcerned about sharing his feelings.
"I love you Meg. I love you more than anything, more than life. I, I just wanted you to know. When my shift is over, if it's okay, I'd like to try again to talk".
Dixie looked at Roy with confusion written on her face.
"Yeah Dix," Roy said quietly, "Johnny's gonna be alright."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Three weeks later, Johnny and Roy stopped by Rampart on a supply run.
"Hey, Dix?" Johnny asked. "How is that Serena Howell doing. Remember, the MVA where her husband died?"
"Yes, I remember. She's doing fine. Would you like to see her? She's in room 610. I'll take my break now and walk up with you."
Dixie opened the door and peeked inside. "Serena, are you up to company? I've got a couple of paramedics here who would like to see you."
"Sure, come on in."
Roy, Dixie and Johnny came into the room. Serena was propped up in the bed with her leg in traction. Her face was very pale causing the sutures on her face to look obscene and surreal. There was an uncomfortable silence as Johnny stared at his feet. Dixie stepped up to the bed and began adjusting the blankets. Johnny had instigated this visit, and remembering his reaction when Serena was admitted, she wanted to see how he would approach this young woman who had made such an impact on him. When no one else spoke, Roy stepped forward and took Serena's hand.
"Hi Serena." Roy said. "How are you getting along?'
"Well, I think I'm going to be okay. It's been hard, you know? But, the orthopedic doctor thinks I may be able to walk with a cane after I heal, so that's good news. I just went down for an ultrasound this morning, so I'm waiting for the results of that. I'm really scared. I wish Robbie were here."
The statement had barely left her lips when the door opened again, and a woman, with stunning red hair, entered the room, her face buried in a chart.
"Hello, Mrs. Howell, I'm Dr. McGee, the staff OBGYN."
At that moment, she looked up and saw her fiancé and his partner in her patient's room.
"Johnny?" Meghan asked. Now this was confusing.
"Meghan" Johnny said as he guided Meghan to the bed with his hand on her back, "this is Serena Howell." Johnny began, "remember, I told you Roy and I responded when she got hurt? Serena, Meghan is my fiancée."
"Oh." Meghan said, flushed with embarrassment as she took Serena's hand. "I was just coming up to give Mrs. Howell the results of her ultrasound. It can wait. I'm sorry Mrs. Howell, I'll come back when you don't have visitors."
"No, no. Dr. McGee, these men were with me on the worst day of my life, they saved my life. I feel like they are the only friends I have right now, and I need my friends with me."
Meghan could see the fear and trepidation in Serena's eyes and silently thanked God she had someone to bed with her.
"Alright, but please, call me Meghan. Honestly, I'm glad you have friends here with you Serena. They can share in your good news. The ultrasound shows a tiny little heartbeat, you're going to get to have your baby!"
"Alright!" Johnny shouted then flushed bright red. "Sorry for the noise."
Serena began to cry. Dixie hugged her close, trying to hide the moisture in her own eyes.
"Well, my break is over, and I'm gonna get out of here if everyone is going to make me cry!" Dixie said and quietly left the room.
As the tears began to burn his eyes, Roy closed them and whispered, "Thank you God." He said goodbye and left the room after feeling a sudden, burning desire to call Joanne.
Johnny took Meghan's hand and brought her closer to Serena.
"Serena?" Johnny began, "do you remember what you said to Roy and I about telling the people we love how we feel?"
"Yes Johnny, I remember." She smiled shyly.
"I, uh, this is hard for me. I'm just learning how to do this, so bear with me. I went home after my shift and talked to Meghan after what you said, I mean, really talked. I want to thank you for that. I know there is no way that I, or anybody for that matter, can take away the pain of what happened to you. I just want you to know, well, what you said meant a lot to me. To us." Johnny squeezed Serena's hand. "I might have lost Meghan because I couldn't or wouldn't talk to her, and I know now that I don't ever want to be without her. You taught me to tell her." Johnny had made most of this speech looking at Serena's hand in his, but then he looked into her eyes and said. "Thank you."
"Yes Serena, thank you for that" Meghan said softly. She and Johnny left the room, hand in hand.
Serena lay back in her bed and smiled. "Everyday Baby," she said aloud, patting her still flat tummy, "everyday, you're going to hear how much your daddy and I love you and wanted you! Every single day."
Author's Note: The story is true. I am Serena. This story has a bittersweet ending. Real life was a little different. I would like to take a moment to point out that my husband and I, as were the characters in this story, unrestrained victims of a MVA. While we both may have still sustained serious injuries, I might be having my 18th wedding anniversary in December, and sending my child to his or her senior year in high school.
Please, buckle up!!
Forgive any geographical indiscretions. I had only a road atlas to "drive to Topanga Canyon". And to my rescuers, you weren't Roy and Johnny, but you did a hell of a job saving my life. Thanks.
"Say It While You Can" ©1999 Michele Huckaby. "Emergency!" and its characters © Mark VII Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. No infringement of any copyrights or trademarks is intended or should be inferred. This is a work of fiction, and any similarity to actual persons or events, except as noted, is purely coincidental.
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