By
Disclaimer: Don’t own them; don’t want to. Decided on oak for the color.
Warning: Mild swearing, one slightly racy situation hinted at.
"Morning Dix."
"Morning guys, how goes the battle so far?"
"Kinda weird."
"It can’t be too bad. It’s only 9:30; your shift has just begun."
"Yeah, but it’s Saturday. You know how people are. During the week they manage to function as relatively normal human beings, but then the sun comes up on a Saturday, and the entire county shift their brains into neutral."
"Come on, Johnny; it’s not that bad."
"Yes it is Dixie. Tell her about the run, Roy."
"It was kind of bizarre, Dixie. We got called out to a jumper."
"That’s not so strange. You get those calls all the time."
"Yeah, we do, but this guy wasn’t actually a jumper. He was a mime doing a routine."
"A mime?"
"Yeah, you know, face painted white, black and white clothes, doesn’t speak. A mime."
"So what happened? His audience didn’t like the show so he decided to end it?"
"Not quite. We’re not exactly sure what he was thinking, because of the whole no talking thing, but near as we can figure, he was doing a bit on spiderman."
"A mime doing spiderman?"
"Yeah, slightly cracked. Anyway, he wanted to climb up the side of the Petro Building and wave to the people through the windows."
"He’s nuts; that thing has about 70 stories."
"The height didn’t turn out to be the problem. The first time he tried it, he only got up to the second floor. That was when we got called. Apparently he thought this might be a problem and had come prepared. He decided the best way to stick to the side of the building was to use glue."
"Glue?"
"Yeah, and not just the white tacky stuff. This brain surgeon decided to use Wacky Glue."
"That stuff that uses the elephant in the commercials? Where they glue his saddle to a crane and suspend him off the ground?"
"Yup, that’s the stuff."
"Wow."
"He put the glue on his hands and one foot, then started to climb."
"Did he get very far?"
"No, it bonds on contact. Stuck right there on the ground floor, right where he started."
"Oops."
"Yeah, took us a while, but we got him free. Had to bring him in, though; he’s got some nasty chemical burns from the glue and he’s missing a bit of skin. Dr. Morton says he’ll be okay, probably get away with just a few scars."
"He’s lucky, Roy; it could have been a lot worse."
"Yeah, lucky and stupid, what a combination."
"Johnny, that’s not a very nice thing to say."
"I suppose not. I should be thankful, I guess. If it weren’t for all the lucky but stupids running around, we wouldn’t have jobs."
"True."
"By next Saturday, he’ll probably be back out there again, thinking up new ways to torture us."
"Yes , but hopefully he won’t try this again."
"Yeah, cause ya know Dix, a mime is a terrible thing to paste."
"Johnny!"
"Back so soon, guys."
"Yeah, Dixie. We missed your smiling face."
"Flattery John? What do you want?"
"Nothing, Dixie. Well, maybe a coffee?"
"I think I can arrange that. You too, Roy?"
"Sounds good, Dix. And how about some entertainment while we drink it."
"What now?"
"You tell her, Junior. It’s your turn."
"Okay, we just brought in a guy with a broken ankle."
"That doesn’t sound too bad. How’d he break it?"
"That’s where the Saturday Stupidity rears it’s ugly head. Seems the gentleman has always wanted to be a pilot. Unfortunately, he is color-blind, so normal avenues of aviation were not open for him. Apparently, a while back, he discovered hot air balloons."
"That’s not so strange."
"If he had used a traditional unit, maybe not, but financially it wasn’t an option for him. He did some thinking, although it can’t have been very much, and decided he could build his own."
"That doesn’t sound like a good plan to me."
"Me neither, but our synapses aren’t impeded by massive amounts of alcohol."
"Oh."
"Yeah. So our intrepid adventurer bought himself 22 helium balloons and attached them to his brand new rocker/recliner."
"He didn’t."
"Oh yeah, he did. Made himself some sandwiches, grabbed a few beer, got himself comfy, and cut the anchor rope. He figured he would float around his back yard for a while. Problem was the man has never heard of the term ‘physics’, so when he cut the anchor, he shot straight up to about 500 feet and got picked up by a nice brisk breeze."
"Oh, no!"
"Oh yeah. He had his BB gun with him and figured he would shoot a balloon or two to land, but once he got up there, he was too scared to use it in case he unbalanced himself. He floated around for awhile, scared a few pilots over at Madison Air Field and caused numerous UFO reports, before managing to work up the courage to pop some of the balloons. Personally, I think that if he hadn’t run out of beer, he’d still be up there."
"What an idiot. How did he break his ankle? Did he have a rough landing?"
"In a manner of speaking. When he came down, he managed to get himself caught up in a power line causing a 40 block power blackout. The chair caught on fire and we arrived just in time to see him jump."
"He’s lucky he didn’t electrocute himself."
"Yeah, I don’t know how he got away with it."
"I do."
"How, Roy?"
"The man upstairs has a soft spot for ijeets. That’s the only thing that explains why he made so many of them."
"Hey, Roy. Back again?"
"Yeah."
"Where’s Johnny?"
"Treatment 2, with Morton and our latest entry in the Saturday Stupidity Sweepstakes."
"It would have to be pretty good, considering your last two."
"Actually Dixie, I think this one is leading the pack."
"Really? Do tell."
"Well, I guess it started last week, when we had that day of rain. Mr. Trenter, our contestant, discovered a leak in the roof of his house and set today aside to fix it."
"I can see where this is going already. He fell off the roof, right?"
"Technically, no. You see, his wife wanted him to call a professional but he refused. He figured he could save some money, and prove to his wife that he was a handy guy, if he did the repairs himself. The most he would agree to was that he would use safety line."
"So, if he fell, he must not have done that."
"Oh, he did it. He didn’t have any trees big enough and the chimney wasn’t all that sturdy, so he tied the rope to the most stable thing he could find and headed up on the roof."
"What did he anchor to?"
"His wife’s car bumper."
"He didn’t!"
"Yup, and wouldn’t ya know it, the kids had swimming lessons to go to."
"She didn’t!"
"Yup, she did. Seems he forgot to mention to her what he had done. Apparently she has quite a reputation for making it from 0 to 60 in about 5 seconds. Mr. Trenter said one minute he was hammering in a nail, the next, he was on his back, up and over the peak and flying down the other side. According to witnesses, he may actually have broken a few Olympic records for both speed and distance. He managed to clip a few bushes before he hit the ground which broke his fall, along with his arm, wrist, leg and probably a few ribs. The kids managed to stop laughing long enough to get her to pull over, but not before he added a severe case of road rash to the list."
"What an ijeet."
"Want to know the funniest thing about the whole situation?"
"Tell me."
"He’s an inspector for the National Transportation Safety Board."
"Johnny’s right. Saturdays were invented for stupid people."
"Roy, Johnny, here again. Have you guys even had time for lunch?"
"Not yet, Dixie. Luckily, supper is only a couple of hours away."
"I can always count on you, Roy, to look on the bright side. Still dealing with stupid people tricks?"
"Of course; it’s still Saturday, isn’t it!"
"So what brings you here this time?"
"You tell her, Roy. I’ll get Tosha here to grab us some supplies."
"Okay partner, see you in a few."
"Johnny."
"Yeah Dix?"
"Make sure all you grab is supplies."
"Dixie, I’m hurt. You know I wouldn’t jeopardize my working relationship with your nurses."
"Go blow smoke up someone else’s ass. I know you too well."
"I’ll be good Mom, I promise."
"I am not your mother. I could be your incredibly smart, amazingly beautiful, slightly older sister."
"Okay sis, I’ll be good."
"How do you put up with him, Roy?"
"He kinda grows on you."
"Yeah, like a fungus."
"Sometimes he can get a bit carried away."
"You know I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t want him any other way."
"I know Dixie, besides, his behavior is nowhere near as bad as the people we’re seeing today."
"What did you bring in this time?"
"Sprained ankle, broken wrist, probable concussion. Not bad, considering the cause."
"And that was?"
"Roller skates, garage roof, tequila and a swimming pool that should have been a little to the left."
"That sounds like a recipe for disaster."
"Big time. Seems our patient, Miss Lani Trimble, was left at home by herself for the first time. She decided to celebrate by having 40 of her closest friends over for cocktails. Apparently the booze was flowing quite freely and everyone was getting a little goofy. The guys started climbing up onto the garage and jumping off into the swimming pool. The girls had dug up an old pair of roller skates and were taking turns trying them out. Miss Trimble had had just enough tequila to throw away her common sense, so when one of the boys dared her to roller skate off the roof and into the pool, she thought it sounded like a good idea."
"From the sounds of it, the girl didn’t have any common sense to begin with."
"I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, she got up on the roof, pushed herself off, lost control, spun around a couple of times and went right off the wrong side."
"No pool below, huh?"
"Not even a puddle. She’s actually pretty lucky; she could have broken her neck. I guess it took the other kids a few minutes to stop laughing and call for help. The party was still going strong when we got there. She seemed to be more concerned with the fact that she had spilled her drink than she was about her injuries. As we left, one of her buddies was making her a thermos of margaritas for the ambulance ride. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t wait around for it."
"Just my opinion, but I don’t think she’s going to be left home alone again anytime soon."
"I’m inclined to agree with you, Dixie. I have a feeling her parents aren’t going to find this near as funny as she did."
"Evening guys."
"Hi Julie, shift change already? I didn’t realize it was that late."
"Yes, Dixie actually got out of here by 7:15; it’s after 8 now."
"Man, we missed supper. I hope the guys saved us some. I’m so hungry, I could grab the slack of my belly and wipe my eyes with it."
"Thanks for that lovely visual, Junior. Don’t mind him, Julie, we’ve had kind of a strange day."
"Dixie mentioned something about that. Has it got any better?"
"Not really. Johnny, why don’t you see if you can scavenge us some donuts or something from the doctors lounge, while I fill Julie in on the latest insanity."
"Okay, Roy. The domestic paramedic stalks his prey..."
"Roy, I think your partner has finally lost it."
"Nah, Saturdays do this to him. He’ll be back to his own version of normal tomorrow."
"Glad to hear it. So, what did you bring in? I heard Dr. Morton talking about a helicopter crash; was it someone from that?"
"Nah, we were out there though. Guy was lucky he didn’t kill himself. Definitely qualifies for the lucky but stupid category."
"How’s that?"
"Well, seems he had come in from crop spraying to refuel. He left the chopper to the ground crew and headed into the hanger for some supper. When he was done, he went back to the chopper and took off."
"And how is that stupid?"
"The ground crew also decided it was supper time. They ate and then went out to put the fuel in and check on the spray and water levels. When the guy came out, he didn’t bother to do a pre-flight check; just hopped in and started her up. Unfortunately, when he took off, he was still hooked up to the fuel truck."
"Oh, no!"
"Yup, I guess it kinda looked like a dog reaching the end of its rope. Flew up and then stopped dead. Who knew those fuel hoses were that strong. The chopper fell out of the sky like a wounded duck. Luckily, he was only about 10 feet off the ground and the chopper just kind of bounced down on the skids. There was fuel everywhere. It’s a miracle it didn’t explode."
"Wow, bet he’s not too popular."
"No, his boss was yelling at him the whole time we were taking care of the spill. That’s the least of his worries; once the investigation is done, he’ll probably lose his license."
"As well he should. I wouldn’t be real happy if I knew there was a chance he could be flying over my head at any given time."
"Me neither."
"But if he wasn’t hurt, who did you bring in from the airport?"
"Right, while we were there, we noticed a crowd of teenagers hanging around the terminal. There were a lot of cops milling around too, including Vince Howard. Johnny went over to find out what was going on. Have you ever heard of Vance McAvoy?"
"The name sounds familiar."
"He’s a singer popular with the teeny-bopper crowd. He was arriving in town to do a concert tonight at Mitchell Arena. Just so happened, he was coming in on a chopper just as we were finishing up. The kids all started going wild; lots of screaming and crying. For a while we thought we were going to have to treat a bunch of them for shock."
"Teenage girls do have a tendency toward the dramatic, don’t they."
"Yeah, I hope Jennifer never behaves like that. Anyway, the chopper landed, a door opened, and this young guy leaned out and waved."
"He didn’t!"
"Oh yeah, he did."
"What was the damage?"
"The rotors were slowing, so it only took three of his fingers."
"What an idiot!"
"Oh yeah. I also don’t think it did much for his image when the kids heard him start to cry and scream."
"But they have to understand. It probably hurt like hell."
"Yeah, but there ain’t nothin pretty about a twenty-something man yelling ‘I want my mommy’. Given the number of TV crews there as well, it’s gonna make an interesting sound bite for the eleven o’clock news."
"I hope he enjoyed his first fifteen minute of fame, because it doesn’t sound like he’ll be enjoying the next."
"No, probably won’t. Although Johnny came up with a new career option for him."
"Oh, what’s that."
"He figured the kid could make some money as a science experiment."
"In what way?"
"Proof that evolution works backwards."
"Hey guys. Had time for supper yet?"
"Nah, we’re still over-worked and under-fed."
"I thought that saying was ‘over-worked and under-paid’."
"Yeah, that too."
"There’s fresh coffee in the doctors lounge. If you talk real nice to me, I may be able to dig up some cookies."
"Really?"
"Julie, you are a lifesaver. Do you have time to join us?"
"I think I can manage that."
"Good, while we munch, my partner here will regale you with another tale of stupidity."
"I’m on to you, Roy. If I’m talking, you’ll get more cookies."
"Johnny, you wound me. I would never do such a thing. I thought you might like to fill Julie in because I told the last one."
"Sure Roy, and later you have a bridge to sell me, right?"
"Mmmh, Irfff..."
"Roy, talking with your mouth full is rude."
"Pot calling the kettle black, Johnny?"
"Julie, I would never do such a thing. My table manners are impeccable. Roy, are you okay? Sounds like you’re choking."
"Just get on with the story, Johnny. My break is only fifteen minutes."
"Sorry, Julie. We just brought in a guy with a broken wrist and first and second degree burns on his posterior."
"On his ass?"
"Yeah. Seems this gentleman lost his license for an impaired about two months ago. He doesn’t have a job, so driving to work wasn’t an issue, but his favorite pub was four blocks from his house."
"Wow, quite a hike; does he have to pack sandwiches for the trip?"
"Kind of ridiculous, hey? So anyway, since he couldn’t drive there and figured the walk was to far, he found himself alternate transportation."
"A bike?"
"No, a bar stool."
"What?"
"He built himself a little cart, attached an engine, and mounted his bar stool on it."
"You’re kidding."
"Nope, he really did it. Hooked himself up a bike handle bar for steering and away he went. His neighbor was throwing a little party and our intrepid inventor, who had just finished his creation, decided to demonstrate it for everyone. He’d had plenty of liquid courage, so when his buddies mentioned that he had to do something really special for the maiden voyage, he agreed. They dug up a couple of little flags left over from the July 4th celebration, stuck them in the back pocket of his jeans and lit them up."
"Oh, no!"
"He took off, ass flaming, waving to the crowd and realized he had forgotten one important piece of equipment."
"Fire extinguisher?"
"No, brakes. He was already up to about 25mph by the time he felt the flames through his pants. Seems, go figure, the speed fanned the flames."
"What a knothead!"
"Yeah, definitely one color short of a rainbow."
"So how did he stop?"
"Aimed himself at a hedge and went for it. Unfortunately, when he hit the curb, the stool stopped dead and he flew over the handle bars. The hedge did stop him in the end, but he broke his wrist in the collision. By the time his buddies managed to haul him out, the hedge was on fire. Cap and the boys had to put it out."
"I can’t believe some of the things people do."
"Yeah, I know. He said afterwards he wouldn’t have done it if his friends hadn’t egged him on."
"I call bullshit on that one."
"I don’t know, Julie. You know that old saying."
"Which one, Roy?"
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"Hi again, Julie."
"Hi guys. Still at it I see."
"Yeah, no rest yet tonight."
"It’s a good thing we only have to work every third Saturday. If it was like this every shift, I think I would have to consider a career change to something easier, like a human cannonball or a crash test dummy."
"Junior, considering the number of accidents you have, I think you already qualify as a crash test dummy."
"Thank you for your support, Roy."
"You two crack me up."
"Glad we can be of service. How about you? How’s your night going?"
"It’s a pretty normal Saturday; lots of drunken fools."
"We brought you another one, too."
"That’s what I hear. Did I read the chart right? How does one go about getting mauled by a polar bear in Los Angeles?"
"He wasn’t mauled exactly; just batted around a few times."
"Oh, that clears it right up."
"Sorry, I’ll explain. Seems our budding wild animal trainer is a British sailor off one of the destroyers that’s in harbor at the moment. Him and a couple of buddies were on shore leave and spent most of the day relaxing in a local watering hole. At about midnight, they decided they wanted to go to our local zoo."
"You’d think they’d seen enough wildlife hanging out at the Elephant and Castle all day."
"You’d think. They went over to the zoo and, after discovering it was closed..."
"At midnight. Go figure."
"...scaled the fence. They wandered around for a while, dodging security, and ended up at the polar bear enclosure. Our inebriated friend was leaning over the fence, when his cigarettes fell out of his pocket and down into the pen. The logical thing would have been to go buy another pack, but these boys weren’t exactly thinking logically."
"No kidding."
"Are you familiar with the zoo at all?"
"Not really."
"The polar bear enclosure is built into the ground, so from where you stand at the fence, it is about an eight foot drop down to the bottom. The young man decided that if his buddies held him by the ankles, he would be able to reach down and grab the pack."
"Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t sound like a really good plan."
"I agree, Julie. Isn’t it comforting to know these guys work on a really big ship, with really big guns."
"Who’s telling this story, Junior?"
"Sorry, Roy. Go on."
"So, these guys got ready and dangled the kid over the edge. They were all a little wobbly and they guy was having a little trouble with the whole hand-eye coordination thing so it was taking a little time and a lot of noise. None of them were paying attention, so when the bear strolled over, woken by the racket, they were caught by surprise."
"A polar bear in a polar bear enclosure; who knew!"
"The bear must have figured it was his birthday, and the keepers had given him a new toy. He got a couple of good swipes in before the guys up top got it together enough to pull their buddy up."
"He was lucky the bear was playing. Those things are really vicious."
"Yeah, most people don’t survive a polar bear encounter."
"Most people don’t serve themselves to a polar bear as a midnight snack."
"True. It looks like he is going to be fine. Probably resemble a patchwork quilt for a while, until all the stitches heal."
"Is he going to be in trouble with the cops?"
"Doesn’t sound like it. We talked to one of the shore patrol guys, who showed up as we were leaving. He told us that usually in a case like this, the navy asks the police not to press charges and they will punish him internally."
"Whoa, poor bugger. The navy doesn’t have much of a sense of humor about stuff like this."
"No, he’s probably going to wish the police had taken care of it. The guy from the shore patrol said he’ll most likely end up doing a couple years in the brig over it."
"I wonder if they’ll let him smoke while he’s in there?"
"You two are certainly keeping me busy tonight."
"Not by our own accord, Julie. We’d rather be back at the station in our nice comfy beds."
"I know what you mean. These night shifts are a killer."
"It’ll be over soon; it’s what? About 4?"
"Yeah, Dixie’ll be here in about two and a half hours."
"You’ll understand when I say I hope we don’t see her this morning."
"Completely. So what did you bring us this time?"
"Another application for the village idiot position."
"What happened this time, Johnny?"
"We brought in a guy with a broken arm and probably a concussion. Him and a couple of his buddies had been drinking since yesterday afternoon. I guess the original idea was that they would tear down the shed in the guy’s back yard and then enjoy a few beverages. Had they stuck to the plan they might have been okay, but instead they enjoyed the beers, and then decided to battle the shed."
"At four in the morning?"
"Yup, once the wine was in, the wit was out. Our demolition expert here, grabbed his sledge hammer and headed up onto the roof. He gave a pretty good swing, not noticing the power line running from the top of the shed to the pole out back. The sledge bounced off the line and came back, catching him square between the eyes."
"How did he not shock himself?"
"I guess the power in that line had been cut off a couple of years before. If it hadn’t been, he would have been dead."
"No kidding."
"When the sledge hit him, it knocked him out. He fell to the roof and rolled right off, onto the ground."
"Is that how he broke the arm?"
"Roy and I figured not. Once he was on the ground, his buddies came running over to help him. One of them stumbled and ended up stepping the arm. Guy probably weighed about 350. You can see the boot print in the skin."
"With friends like that, who needs enemies."
"Hi Dixie."
"Roy, Johnny, you guys look terrible."
"We didn’t get any sleep last night."
"Julie mentioned something about that. What are doing here now? It’s almost nine; weren’t you both off at 8?"
"Supposed to be. We got toned out at 7:45."
"Tough luck."
"Yeah. This is it, though. All we have to do is make it back to the station and we’ll be done. B-Shift is there waiting for us."
"That’s good; you both look like you’ve had enough fun for one day."
"Way too much!"
"What did you bring in this time?"
"You tell her, Roy."
"I’m not! You do it!"
"No way! Besides, its your turn."
"Roy, just tell me."
"Okay, I’ll do it, but you owe me, Junior."
"It’ll be worth it."
"Well, Dix, we just had a rescue out on the golf course."
"What, someone run a cart into the lake?"
"No, not even close. Seems a particular foursome had an early tee time and instead of setting their alarms, they stayed up all night and enjoyed a few cocktails."
"So they were still drunk when they hit the course?"
"As skunks. They made it to the eleventh hole without too many difficulties but then things got a little out of hand. Seems there is a ball washer on that hole."
"A ball washer?"
"Yeah, you know, the little machine you put your golf ball in, turn the handle and the flighting inside rotates it through some soapy water. The drunkest member of the foursome got talked into giving it a try."
"What’s so bad about that? Isn’t that what they’re there for?"
"They weren’t talking about his golf balls."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Need I say more?"
"No, I think I’ve already heard too much."
"And we definitely saw too much. It took a bit of work to get him free. The groundskeeper was furious. He not so politely invited them to never come back."
"I don’t blame him. What a bunch of morons!"
"Johnny and I figure they win the Saturday Stupidity Sweepstakes for this week."
"I’d have to agree with you."
"And this shift can go down as scientific proof of that old paramedic axiom."
"What’s that, Johnny?"
"There ain't no cure for stupid."
The End.
Authors Note: All the incidents in this story have an element of truth to them. They have been fictionalized and any names are products of my imagination. Any similarity to actual people, living or dead, is unintentional.
Another Authors Note: I haven’t said this before, but I’m doing it now. A big thanks goes out to Audrey & Jane for supporting my efforts and giving advice when it was needed. It is always much valued and appreciated. I also want to thank Audrey & Jill for providing such wonderful homes for my stories.