Over the Edge

By

Sherry

Author's note: This story idea popped into my head one night, so I started typing…it takes place in 1983. I put this story on the back burner for a while, but I finally got back to it and finished it. Thanks to Laura R. for all her help

All EMERGENCY! Characters belong to MARK VII LIMITED but any and all OC's (Original Characters) belong to me and can not be used without my permission

** Denotes thought **

July 5 th , 1983...Rampart General Hospital's Psychiatric Ward, 5 th floor…

"Johnny...I just can't understand how this happened to you...you can't be…I can't even say it but…this has got ta' be a mistake partner...Doctor Perkins, she's gotta be wrong, she's gotta be…she's misdiagnosed you, even though Doctor Brackett * and* Doctor Early agrees with her. I know what they all * shoulda* done, they shoulda asked me…* I've* seen what'cha been goin' through, they haven't. You're just tired…yeah, that's it…I mean, with everything that you've been through the last few weeks, anybody would be exhausted and actin‘ kinda…well, you know…and all you need is to be somewhere quiet and have a good long, peaceful rest…then you‘ll be just fine."

Roy continued to look at his sleeping partner, and as much as he only wanted Johnny to be tired, he knew that with everything that had happened, it was just wishful thinking on his part…he had seen the signs and knew that the Psychiatrist had diagnosed his best friend right…manic depression.

As he continued to softly talk to his partner, Roy said, "You know, I always thought that you were so strong…skinny but tough, isn't that what you told me and Dixie at Rampart that time, after you hurt your shoulder at that fire? I remember…I remember that you didn't like it much ‘cause you had ta' see Morton, but he fixed you up, even though nothin' was * really* wrong with ya…just a minor strain. But what he said, about'cha being skinny and soft…I knew that I shouldn't've said what I did, that you were soft only from the head up, but you * were* partner…well, not soft, just skinny…and you're even more so now."

Becoming tired of standing, Roy walked away from the bed and grabbed a chair, picking it up and bringing it back, and quietly placing it close to his partner's bed, he then took a seat beside him. As he placed his hands through the bedrail, he inadvertently laid his hand over the restraint around Johnny‘s left wrist…nervously and angrily, he looked at the straps that held his friend down, as he absent-mindedly rubbed his thumb over the restraint, while he continued talking to Johnny.

"But Johnny…I always figured that you were able to handle anything that came at'cha…but with all the stuff that's happened, I suppose…I suppose I'm only kiddin' myself…I mean, I want'cha ta' be alright, you've gotta be so you can get outta here and get back to work… Brice, ya know…but I guess…I guess everybody has a breakin' point…even you Junior."

As Roy sat there in his chair, beside his restrained and heavily sedated friend, he wished that he had been able to get his partner to agree to eat something earlier, but even though Johnny wouldn't, Roy was glad that he was at least, finally getting some sleep. He knew the only reason for that was due to the heavy sedation that Brackett was finally forced to give his friend.

Kel didn't want to sedate him so much, nor did he want to restrain Johnny, but knowing that the young paramedic had to get some rest, the Doctor and the others realized…there was no other choice.

Roy reached over and pushed a piece of long hair out of his partner's eyes, as he tried to figure out how this had happened to Johnny.

Slightly smiling, Roy said, "I tell ya Johnny, you really * do* need a hair cut now. Sittin' here, lookin' at'cha, even though you are a 33 year old man, you still look so much like a kid lyin' there…just like when you got bit by that rattlesnake…let me tell ya Junior, you scared all of us, we had to watch'cha, layin' in the treatment room, unconscious and so still, and waitin' to see if you were gonna have a reaction to tha' anti-venom. We were all happy when Brackett told us that there wasn't any reaction…Chet seemed especially happy.”

As he continued to stare at the restraint, Roy softly said, “I hate it that Brackett had to restrain you…and believe me, so does he. I wish that I could just…tear these things off, but I can't. He didn‘t have a choice partner, after what happened, with you gettin' so upset, Doc had to do somethin'…we were afraid…afraid that you might hurt yourself…and I'm sorry that * I* get'cha that way...upset that is…I sure didn't mean to Junior."

Even though in his head, Roy was trying to figure out what had caused this, in his heart, he knew what had pushed his partner…his best friend…over the edge. The tragic news that Johnny had received from one of his sisters, while on duty at the Station, along with the bad run that followed, after Johnny returned to work…it turned out to be just a little more than his friend could take.

His mind went back to about a month ago, when the chain of events started, that led up to where they were now…Roy still had a hard time believing that this could have ever happened…but while sitting with his partner, he had no idea on how it would eventually end.

June 4 th …Station 51…

As if in a trance, Johnny slowly walked out of the dorm and crossing the bay, he made his way back into the kitchen.

Seeing Johnny walk in, Chet asked, “Hey Gage, was that a call from your latest date that decided ta' go ahead and dump ya?”

When Johnny didn't look at or answer Chet…or at least tell him to shut-up, as he usually did, and the men saw the look on his face, they knew something wasn't right. Johnny had received a phone call, and in order to get away from the Phantom…a.k.a. Chester B. Kelly…and have a little bit of peace, he had decided to take the call in the dorm.

After waiting a few moments and realizing that his best friend wasn't going to start in on Chet, Roy figured that the phone call had been upsetting to Johnny.

Closing and folding the paper he was reading, Roy cautiously asked, “Hey Junior…who was that who called…what's wrong Johnny?”

When the paramedic again didn't answer and only stepped over and leaned on the back of an empty chair at the table and breathed rapidly, starring straight ahead, with the look of shock, disbelief and sadness on his face, the men knew that it was bad news.

Being concerned about their friend, Hank pushed his chair away from the table and stepped over to Johnny.

Softly speaking to him, Stanley said, "John…Johnny…tell us what's wrong Pal."

Being startled by his Captain, Gage jumped and suddenly taking a deep, shaky breath, Johnny blinked a few times and ran his hands over his face before he was finally able to speak. By this time, Roy, Mike, Chet and Marco had already gathered around the young man.

"I'm sorry Johnny, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to scare you. But you can talk to us…tell us what's wrong."

Softly speaking, and trying to control his tears, Johnny said, "Ah…it's okay Cap…I was…I mean…that...on tha' phone…that was KC…"

Seeing the shape that his paramedic was in, Cap cautiously asked, "Oh yeah, one of your sisters. How's she doing?"

The crew saw Johnny shake his head yes, as he softly said, "She's fine…well…no, not really…she…she called ta'…ta' tell me that…"

When Johnny stopped talking and the crew suddenly saw his face go pale, they all became more worried about their shiftmate.

"Johnny, what is it…has somethin' happened?" Mike asked.

As Johnny breathed harder, the crew saw him as he started to sway, becoming unsteady on his feet.

Placing his hand on Johnny's back to steady him, Marco said, “Easy Johnny…easy.”

Finally answering, Johnny said, "I'm okay Marco…no…no, I'm not…KC said...oh god, I…feel like I'm gonna…pass…out…"

The crew saw the young paramedic sway again and just as Johnny's eyes rolled back in his head and his body went limp, his knees went out from under him. Catching their friend, the men gently lowered the unconscious paramedic to the floor.

Roy was instantly by Johnny's side, kneeling down beside of his partner, gently shaking him and calling out his name, but getting no response.

"Johnny…Johnny…Mike, get tha' oxygen off tha' squad...quick."

"Okay Roy, be right back."

Mike stood and hurried to the squad and brought back the oxygen, sitting it beside Roy and turning it on...Roy reached for the mask and placed it over his partner's pale and very diaphoretic face. After about five minutes, Johnny slowly started regaining consciousness, and was a little agitated.

Moving his head back and forth, Johnny whispered, and said, "Mom…Dad…no…no it can't…can't be…you can't be…no…!"

With his eyes still closed and fighting to sit up, Roy quickly placed his hands on Johnny's arms, trying to calm his best friend down.

“Johnny, calm down…don't try to get up yet…just calm down for me and lay still for a minute. We don't want you passin' out again…just calm down, it's alright.

As Gage slowly started to calm down, Roy took his partner's pulse, as he continued to talk to him.

"Johnny…open your eyes and relax and take it easy...that's it, take it easy, everything's okay, you're alright...slow your breathin' down…take slow breaths, you're okay, just use the O2…you're fine. Now, what did KC tell you when she called?"

** 140…way too fast…if what KC told him has made Johnny this upset, I don't think none of us are gonna wanna hear this **

Slowly opening his eyes, and taking a few more deep breaths of the fresh air, Johnny's voice was soft and shaky, and he was still breathing hard, as he finally spoke.

"No…nothin's…okay…everything's torn…torn apart…KC said...Roy...she said that...no…no, it can't be…"

Seeing the tears that were now flowing from his best friend's eyes, Roy moved his hands up on Johnny's shoulders, and softly spoke, as the rest of the crew stayed gathered around him and Johnny.

Becoming worried, Roy said, "Partner, easy…you're makin' us a little nervous…what did KC say Johnny…what is it…tell me."

Sobbing, Johnny replied, "It's...it's Mom and Dad...god Roy, they...she said that...a drunk driver…he was swervin'…he…he hit ‘em…head on…and…and…let me…let…me up…I can't …can't…breathe…"

"Let's get ‘im up…but take it easy, we don't want him passin' out again." Roy said.

With Mike and Marco being on either side of the paramedic, the two firefighters carefully helped Johnny up into a seated position, then after a moment, making sure Johnny wasn't dizzy, they helped him up into the chair that Chet had pulled away from the table.

Seeing that Johnny was breathing a bit better, Chet hopefully asked, "About your Mom and Dad…they're okay though...right…maybe a little shaken up…maybe just * slightly * injured …but okay?"

Johnny broke down and sobbed even harder...the crew knew that his parents weren't alright.

** Oh man…me and my big mouth…I'm sorry Johnny **

"Johnny...they weren't...?" Marco hesitantly and nervously asked.

Nodding his head and still sobbing, Johnny replied, "Yeah Marco…they're… they're dead...my Mom…and Dad…they're…dead…he killed ‘em…I think I'm…I'm gonna …gonna…be sick…"

Feeling his stomach starting to do flips and beginning to heave, Johnny pulled the oxygen mask away from his face, stood up and pushed past his friends…the others quickly got out of the way, as Johnny unsteadily made his way out of the kitchen, across the bay and into the latrine…barely making it, he dropped to his knees and leaned over the toilet and vomited.

The rest of the crew quickly followed to check on their friend. When Johnny was finally able to stop, and without being asked, Marco stepped over to the sink and wetting a washcloth with cool water, he wrung it out and handed it to Roy, who wiped off his partner's face and mouth.

"It's not…not right…why…why did this happen…why were they…taken away…from me?" Johnny sobbed.

"Easy partner…easy. I don't know, but I promise, it's gonna be alright…we'll get through this Junior." Roy softly replied.

Slowly shaking his head and still crying, Johnny softly replied, "It's not…nothin's gonna be…alright…never again…I'm…I'm so tired…and I wanna be…with ‘em Roy…I need …ta' be…be with ‘em."

That statement started the guys wondering if Johnny meant what they thought he meant. Roy didn't answer his friend…he didn't really know how. Seeing that his men had everything under control, Hank quietly slipped away and went out into the bay and going over to the radio, he informed LA of the situation, and requested that the Station be made unavailable for an undetermined amount of time.

Knowing that the other stations would hear the transmission, Hank tried his best to keep his emotions under control…he didn't quite make it, as his emotions won out.

"LA, Station 51."

"Go ahead Station 51."

"LA…Station 51 needs to be stood down for an…undetermined amount of time…one of my paramedics…he received some pretty bad news…from back home…he just learned that his parents were…were killed in a car accident earlier today."

** One of the paramedics…from * back * home…oh no, it must be Johnny **

As Sam responded, Hank could hear the disbelief and sadness in the usually unshakable dispatcher's voice.

"Ah…10-4 Station 51…please notify LA when you are able to go back into service, another Station will cover your area. Do you want dispatch to contact Chief McConnikee and advise him of the situation?"

Appreciative of the dispatcher's thoughtfulness, Hank slightly smiled, as he said, "10-4 on the notification LA, but…negative on contacting the Chief…I'll call and take care of it."

"10-4 51…and my condolences to your paramedic."

"Thank you LA…I'll let him know. Station 51 clear, KMG365."

"Station 51. LA clear, KMG 941."

Hank leaned on the podium, still trying to come to terms with what had happened and wondering how he and the others would be able to get Johnny through this. Back in the latrine, Roy finished wiping his partner's face, trying to cool him down, all the while quietly speaking to him.

"Okay Johnny, take it easy…come on, why don't we go in the dorm and you can lay down on your bunk for a little while and rest."

Not feeling like arguing, Johnny nodded his head in agreement and did as Roy suggested, as his partner and Chet helped him slowly stand up and walk into the dorm, leading him over to his bunk, helping him to sit down.

"Just take your time Junior. Chet, when he's ready, grab his legs."

"Okay."

Johnny finally shook his head then Roy started easing his friend back on the bed as Chet grabbed his legs, placing them on the bed. Being finished on the radio and finally getting himself together, Hank stepped back into the kitchen and grabbed the O2, taking it into the dorm and over to Johnny's bunk.

Talking softly to his crew, Hank said, "I got LA ta' stand us down for a while, our area's gonna be covered by another Station.”

Hank could tell by the looks on the other guy's faces, but especially Roy's, that they were glad that they had been stood down...right now, their minds were not focused on any call that might come in…their only focus, at the moment, was for their distraught shiftmate.

Roy looked at his partner and saw that Johnny had closed his eyes…the tears were still coming, as the paramedic tried to hold back the sobs.

Stepping to the side of the bed, Chet sat on the edge and lightly placed his hand on Johnny's leg, and quietly spoke to his friend.

“It's alright Johnny, let it out…we all understand and we're all here.”

“Thanks…Chet.” the paramedic quietly replied.

“How's he doin' Roy?"

Roy looked at his Captain and softly spoke.

"I don't really know Cap…this was so unexpected and he's hurtin'…he's gonna have a lot to deal with…I can't believe this has happened.”

Seeing that his Captain had returned with the oxygen, Roy turned back to his partner, and asked, “Johnny…do you wanna use the O2 some more…do you think you need it?"

None of the rest of the crew could believe the news either, but they vowed to be there for their friend. As Johnny started to cry harder, he finally shook his head, but never opened his eyes or said a word…Roy placed the oxygen mask back on his friend's face, as Johnny turned over on his right side, facing away from his friends, and curled up into a ball. The men stood listening to their friend's sobs, and it tore them apart.

After a few minutes, the crew barely heard Johnny whisper, as he said, “Cold…gettin' cold. Roy…please, can I…go be with ‘em…I need to…please.”

Turning to face his boss, Roy softly said, "Cap, you wanna grab my blanket off my bunk… I'll put it over Johnny so he'll be warm while he's lyin' here."

"Sure Roy."

“Roy…please…let me go.” Johnny begged, staying turned toward the wall.

Hank turned and pulled the blanket off the bunk and handed it to Roy, and as he covered Johnny up, the crew stayed with the hurting paramedic, to let the young man know that they were all there for him.

"No Johnny…you can't…you can't be with ‘em…not this time. It's gonna be okay Junior…like Chet said, we're all here for you." Roy softly told his friend.

After a few more minutes passed, Johnny's breathing became very shallow, indicating to the others that he had finally fallen to sleep.

******

A few hours later, with Johnny still sleeping, but having nightmares, and the rest of the crew staying close by him, Hank had called and talked to Chief McConnikee, telling him the situation. Even though Stanley knew that Johnny wouldn't think it was necessary for the entire crew to go with him, the Captain had asked for some time off for himself and his men, in order to travel to Montana, with their friend, to be with him during his parent's funerals.

The Chief totally understood and allowed for the time off, giving them as much time as they needed…not only did he know that Johnny was going to need all the support from his friends that he could get, but he knew as well as anybody else in the Department, that the A-Shift crew of Station 51 had a tight, unbreakable bond, and that no matter what happened to one of the men, the rest of the crew was always there for him, offering support in whatever way they could.

******

June 7 th …Montana…Woodlawn Memorial Gardens…

Sitting in white chairs beside the graves, were Johnny, his younger twin sisters, KC and Kara, his younger brother Mark and older brother Gary, as they and those gathered, listened, as the Minister was concluding the graveside service. Roy stood with the rest of 51's crew, but kept a very close eye on his best friend and partner.

“Ashes to ashes…dust to dust…we commend the souls, of not only our dear and beloved friends, but a dearly loved Father and Mother, John and Sara Gage, into the hands of the Great Sprits…and we pray that they find peace on their swift journey to the other side. To the Gage children…Johnny, Mark, Gary, KC and Kara…may you find peace and comfort in each other as well as from your friends, during your time of great and unexpected loss…and also find comfort in knowing that your parents loved you all…dearly…and don't ever doubt that. You were their pride and joy…they spoke of all of you so many times during our visits with one another and they were very, very proud of each and every one of you, and what you've done with your lives…and you can have comfort in knowing that you will all be together again, one day, on the other side.”

The crew saw that Johnny had leaned forward and covered his face, as his body jerked with sobs and his hands shook…they watched as both Kara and KC, sitting on either side of their brother, and although, also crying themselves, placed their arms around Johnny, to try to comfort him.

Concluding, the Minister looked at those gathered, and said, “May the Great Spirits be with you, family and friends, and comfort you all in your time of great loss. Amen.”

“Amen.” the gathered crowd quietly whispered.

As the Minister stepped back from the caskets, the Gage children stood, and individually stepped up to the caskets. The five had been holding two red roses each, one for their Mother and one for their Father, and as they laid a rose on each casket, they softly said their finally good-byes to their parents.

After his sisters and brothers said their good-byes, Johnny slowly walked up to the caskets…tears were still streaming down his face. Standing by his Mother first, he softly spoke.

“Mama…I love you so much…my heart's breakin'…this isn't right…you and Dad…you should be here…but I promise you…the man who did this…he * will * pay…I swear this to you and Dad…he'll pay…for taking you both away…away from us…may the spirits keep you in their care…and until we meet again…may you have rest and peace.”

Laying the rose on top, he bent over and softly kissed the top of the coffin, rubbing his hand across the smooth surface…he then stepped over beside his Father's casket.

“Dad…I also love you so much…you taught me the ways of our people…and that's something that…I have never forgotten…you were always there for us, no matter what… the way you raised us is somethin'…somethin' that will always stay with me…I only hope that…if I ever do become a Father…that I can be just half as good as you were…and as I told Mama…the person who…who did this…will pay…I promise you, the man will pay… may the spirits keep you in their care…and until we meet again …may you have rest and peace.”

Doing the same as he did for his Mother, Johnny placed the rose on top of the casket, as he bent over and kissed the top, rubbing his hand over it.

Much to the relief of Johnny, the people gathered were slowly thinning out, as the Gage children stood by the caskets, remembering the good times they had all shared, then enduring handshakes, well wishes and hugs from the crowd. Roy and the rest of the crew stood back, giving their friend and his siblings some time to speak to the other friends that had attended the service…by the way their friend kept looking over at them, the five men could tell that Johnny wanted to be anywhere than where he was at that moment.

Softly speaking, Mike said, “You know guys…I'm really worried about Johnny. He looks as if he's about to fall apart…or explode…that might be a better word.“

“He is Mike…and that's what scares me, ‘cause when he blows…no pun intended…there's gonna be no words that can describe how bad it's gonna be.” Roy worriedly answered.

Finally the crowd left, and the crew of 51 slowly made their way over to the grieving family.

Cap stepped over to his paramedic's siblings, and extended hand. As he spoke to them. Johnny lowered his head, and without saying a word or even looking his Captain in the eye, walked over to Roy and the rest of the crew to stand with them.

“On behalf of Station 51, we'd like to extend our condolences…if there is * anything * that we can do, no matter what it might be, please, don't hesitate to let us know.”

Extending his hand to shake the Captain's, Mark said, “Thank you…we really appreciate it. I don't think there's anything that * we * need, right now…but…”

Mark suddenly stopped talking, as he looked around Hank and over at his older brother…he saw Johnny just starring at the caskets, the tears rolling down his face, as Roy and the rest of the crew stood, gathered around him…almost holding him up.

Looking back at Hank, Mark spoke softly, as he continued, and said, “But…as you've probably seen, Johnny's havin' a real hard time with this and he'll probably wanna stay here for a couple of weeks, at least. But…could I ask a favor?”

“Of course, anything. What is it?” Hank asked.

“When he does go back to LA…well…would you and the others kinda keep an eye on him? In just the few days that he's been home, we've all noticed, the same as you all probably have, that he's really becomin' withdrawn and even short tempered, the slightest little thing seems ta' set him off, and that's not like Johnny.”

Kara spoke up, and said, “And all of us are really worried about him. You know, everytime he comes home, he talks so much about all of you…he really thinks a lot of you and the rest of the guys…and so do we…especially seeing what you've all done now, taking time off from work and coming all the way out here to be with him…and you didn't have to do it… but we're all grateful that you did.”

Looking down at the ground, Hank let out a breath before he spoke.

Looking back at Johnny's family, Hank said, “It wasn't * having * to do it…we * wanted * to do it. Johnny's a * big * part of our family at the Station…don't know what we would do without ‘im…he really helps to lift our spirits, sometimes, if we have a bad run…then sometimes it's us helping him…we're just always there for each other. Besides…he would do the same for any of us if the tables were turned.”

Smiling, knowing that what Hank said was true, Kara said, “Yeah, you're right, he would. But, if you could just be there for ‘im…and help him out in any way that you can, it would really mean a lot ta' all of us…and I know it would to Johnny to.”

Hank also looked over at his younger paramedic…he knew that his friend was having a difficult time accepting what had happened, and knew that he and the rest of the crew would do anything that they possibly could do to help Johnny.

Turning his attention back to Mark and the others, Hank replied, “I agree with you, he isn't acting like himself…we've all noticed it. But if he wants to stay, I can arrange for him to have as much time off as he needs, that certainly won't be a problem…and we weren't about to let him come by himself, he was in no shape to do that. But you don't even need to ask, as I said, we all think a great deal of Johnny, he's not only one of the best paramedics that we've all worked with, but he's also a great friend, and we'll be there for him and help out in any way that we possibly can.”

“Thank you Hank, we all feel better knowing that you all are gonna be there for him. Look, why don't all of you come back to the house, ta' eat…we have more food at Mom and Dad's than we know what to do with…there's no way we'll ever eat it all, at least, not without some help. From what Johnny has told us, you guys can eat...and we know he can.”

“Thank you KC, we'd like that. Yeah, we can…after all, we're Firefighters. And as Johnny's always saying about Chet, especially…he stays hungry and will eat anything you put in front of ‘im…and John's right, Kelly does and will.””

For only a moment, the sadness of the day was forgotten, as they laughed at the statement made by the Captain…but the sadness, it soon reappeared, as they all looked over and saw Johnny, still crying and Roy and the others trying to comfort him.

“But for the last few days, I don't think I've seen Johnny really eating much of anything.” Hank sadly said.

The others shook their heads in agreement, seeing that the young man had lost some weight. As they all made their way back to Johnny and the rest of the crew, Gary touched his younger brother's arm to get his attention.

Softly speaking, Gary said, “Hey Johnny…I wanna talk to ya for a second, before we go back ta' the house and eat.”

With a lost and almost defeated look on his face, Johnny first wiped his eyes, looked at Roy, then to his older brother.

In a voice that was barely above a whisper, Johnny said, “Well, I'm not hungry but…yeah …sure Gary.”

Johnny and Gary walked away from the others to talk…a worried Roy was still keeping a close eye on his partner.

“Listen Johnny…I know you aren't hungry…but you've gotta eat. But, that isn't what I wanted to talk to you about…look, I know that we haven't had a lot of time ta' talk…you haven't really wanted to since you got here, but I'm really worried about'cha little brother …we all are. Are you sure you're okay…do ya wanna talk? We're all here if you do.”

Johnny lowered his head, looking at the ground…he hadn't felt like talking before and he didn't now. Letting out a deep breath and placing his hands on his hips, he finally spoke to his brother.

Becoming upset, Johnny spoke, and said, “Don't talk ta' me like I'm a little kid. And besides, what's there ta' talk about Gary…is talkin' gonna bring Mama and Dad back… huh, tell me…is it?”

Gary could hear how tired his brother was…he could also hear the irritation along with a hint of anger in Johnny's voice…Gary knew that his brother hated having people fuss over and worry about him.

“No Johnny…it won't. I just thought…”

Interrupting his brother, Johnny said, “Yeah, you thought…what, that I need ta' talk…well, I don't. Ya know…you, Mark, Kara and KC…have been askin' me if I'm alright or if I wanna talk ever since I got here…and I keep tellin' you all…the same thing…I'm alright… I'm fine…really…and I * don't * wanna talk about it…I've even heard it from Cap and Roy, the rest of the guys…I just need everybody to leave me alone…just give me some space… I'm tryin' ta' handle this tha' best I know how!”

When Johnny realized that he had raised his voice, he looked around at the others that were there, all of them trying to act as if they hadn't heard. Rubbing his hand over his face, he turned back to Gary.

“I can't…I can't do this…I can't deal with this right now.”

Apologetically, Gary said, “We know that, we're all havin' a hard time with this and we know you aren't any different. Look, Johnny…I didn't mean…”

Interrupting his brother, Johnny said, “Forget it…look, I'm…I'm sorry…I'm just tired and I know everybody's worried about me…but please…can't all of you just…just quit treatin' me like I'm so fragile and that I'm gonna fall apart. I'm not and I just wanna go home …and try to forget that this nightmare ever happened.”

Johnny walked away from Gary and went back over to Roy and the others.

** Little brother…none of us will * ever * forget this…no matter how hard we might try…we loved ‘em too much **

With a tone that sounded panicked, and sounding to his friends like he almost couldn't breath, Johnny said, “Roy…I wanna ride back…with you…can we…can we please just… just go back to Mama and Dad's…please, I gotta…I gotta get outta here.”

Not wanting to make his partner any more upset than he already was, Roy placed his hand on Johnny's arm, as he spoke.

“Johnny, try and calm down. Yeah, we can go, right now if you want to.”

“I want to…right now.” Johnny answered, shaking his head.

Johnny started to walk away, but took a moment to look back at his parent's caskets, as tears again came to his eyes. As the dark haired paramedic tried to control them, unsuccessfully, he turned and walked to Roy's car…without saying another word to anyone.

******

June 9 th …Outside the Montana County Courthouse…

Insisting on going to the hearing of George Blankenship, Johnny was confident, since the man had been behind bars since the accident, that he would definitely get a very stiff penalty for his actions. But after hearing that the man was getting off with only a “slap on the wrist”, as Gage and everyone else saw it, Johnny stood and angrily spoke to the Judge, as his friends and family looked on in disbelief at what they were hearing.

“What…are you kidding me…this guy murders two people, our parents, driving drunk and he's getting off with only community service…this isn't right. Are you crazy…or are you one of these weak-kneed judges that are afraid to hand out a stiff punishment? I don't believe this!”

As Johnny angrily stormed out of the courtroom, the rest of the crew and his brothers and sisters stood up, wondering if they should go after him…they were also wondering what the Judge would do to him.

“Johnny…wait!”

Roy called out to his best friend and partner, but Johnny waved him off and ignored him.

“Roy, go check on him Pal.”

As Roy nodded his head and went after his friend, Hank quickly turned to face the Judge as he spoke, hoping to keep his younger paramedic out of trouble...he saw the look that the judge had on his face.

"Your Honor...may I speak please?"

Motioning for the man to walk closer to him, the Judge said, “Approach the bench. What's your name Sir?"

Walking closer to the bench, Hank cleared his throat before he spoke.

"Judge Parker, I'm Captain Stanley…Hank Stanley...I'm Johnny's Captain at the Fire Department in Los Angeles. I apologize for how Johnny spoke, but he and his family are very upset and they're grieving over their loss…I'm sure…or at least I hope…that you can understand that…and how they all feel.”

The Judge nodded in agreement, and said, “Yes Captain, I can understand how they feel.”

** Good…then maybe he won't put Johnny's butt in a sling…what's wrong with that boy, I can't believe that he talked to a Judge like that **

Hank then continued

“Good, I'm glad. But sir, with all due respect, I have to agree with my paramedic, this * isn't * right…this man killed his parents…while driving intoxicated, but he isn't being punished for his crime…and he should be…he needs to be kept off the roads so this tragic event won't happen again, and so no other family will have to go through what the Gage family is going through right now.”

Hank could see that the Judge seemed as if he didn't care…he went in a little more personal direction.

“Sir…what if it had been a member of * your * family that this man killed…wouldn't you want…no…wouldn't you * expect * the person responsible to be punished to the fullest extent of the law? I know I would. Anyway, I only hope you take what this man has done into consideration and rethink and change your decision. Thank you for your time Sir.”

Hank said nothing else as he and the rest of the crew turned and went after their friend. Seeing that Johnny's brothers and sister were also going to follow, Hank motioned for them to let him and the other guys handle it…they agreed.

Going through the door, the men saw Johnny sitting at the bottom of the stairs, with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands…they also saw the tenseness in their friend's shoulders and could tell that he was outraged, and understandably so…so were they…but it scared them not knowing what Johnny might do.

Going down the stairs to where their friends were sitting, the men gathered around Johnny, while Roy sat beside him, softly speaking to his friend.

“Hey Johnny…listen, we're all sorry about the way things turned out in there and I know things didn't go like you hoped they would…the way * we * all hoped they would…but please…don't do anything stupid when that guy walks down here…it isn't worth it.”

Lifting his head from his hands, and looking at his best friend while opening and closing his fists, Johnny softly but angrily spoke.

“Isn't worth it...would you be sayin' that if he had killed * your * parents…or Joanne, Chris or Jennifer…Cap, what if it had been Carrie, Nathan, Adam or Hannah…guys…would you all feel that way…that it wouldn't be worth it?”

None of the men spoke, as Johnny stood and started pacing, as he continued speaking.

“Yeah...that's what I thought...* none * of you would think that. He got off Roy…the man murdered two people…my parents…and he gets nothin' in the way of punishment... community service…and that's only because he was drivin' drunk when he did it…I guess they don't consider that murder…and I also don't call that just punishment for two lives. I made a promise ta' Mom and Dad…that he would pay…and he * is * gonna pay.”

Even though Roy saw more anger in his partner's eyes than he ever had before, DeSoto knew that his best friend was right…this man didn't get the punishment he deserved, and that he and the rest of the men would feel the exact same way as Johnny did, if it had been their parents that had died. Roy also knew that the man would eventually do it again.

Standing and placing his hand on Johnny's shoulder, Roy replied, “Yeah, you're right…I'd feel the same way, all of us would. And yeah, he shoulda got prison time, a * long * time behind bars, but he didn't and as mad as it makes all of us, we have to accept it…and we just don't want'cha doin' anything that might get'cha into trouble partner. And besides …would your Mom and Dad * want * you to do somethin' to hurt that guy?”

Hearing voices at the top of the stairs, and before Johnny could answer, the paramedic and the others turned and saw George and his attorney coming out of the courthouse and down the stairs…George was acting just a little too cocky to suite the angry dark haired paramedic.

Johnny started to move, as he said, “Oh, it'll be worth it partner…whatever happens. And I don't really care if they would * want * it or not…they're gonna get it…and he's gonna pay.”

** Junior please, you're hurtin' right now and not thinkin' clearly **

Before any of the men could say anything or stop their friend, they saw as George hit the bottom of the stairs and Johnny turned and was on him, beating him unmercifully with his fists, as he yelled and screamed at him…George's attorney, Harold Reynolds, stood stunned. Hank and the crew quickly got to the two men and were finally able to pull Johnny off and hold him back, away from George.

Seeing what had happened, Sheriff Marcus Sanchez quickly rushed over to the two men and helped to keep the two of them apart, as he helped the battered man off of the sidewalk, as George shouted about what Johnny had done to him.

Wiping the blood from his face, George shouted, “He attacked me…you saw it…you * all * saw it…he‘s crazy…* he's * the one that needs ta' be locked up for bein' mentally unstable!”

“Crazy…oh yeah, you better believe I'm crazy…after what you've put me and my family through…and at least I didn't murder two people!” Johnny shouted, as the crew tried their best to hold their friend back.

The sheriff wasn't any happier with the verdict than anybody else…he had seen George destroy people's lives too many times in one form or another and it seemed to him that the man always got off too light…especially with this Judge.

Holding George back, the sheriff said, “I didn't see anything…and you're lucky I didn't let Johnny bet'cha ta' death. He has every right to feel the way he does, you killed his parents man, divin' drunk no less…then ya got off with only community service. What else did'cha expect ‘im ta' do, hug ya and give ya a kiss?”

Seeing that the paramedic and those standing with him were beginning to laugh over what Sheriff Sanchez said, made George even angrier and he started to go after Johnny and his friends, but the sheriff was able to hold him back.

“Oh no…I'd strongly advise against that George…you've done enough damage, so don't * even * think about startin' anything.” Sanchez firmly said.

“* Me * startin' anything…* he * started it…look at me, * I'm * tha' one bleedin'…I'm comin' after you boy…so you better be lookin' over your shoulder!” George shouted at Johnny.

Returning the threat, Johnny shouted back and said, “Oh yeah…well why wait…bring it on now man…that is, if you think you can…I'll lay ya out again…right now…come on boy!”

Johnny's brothers and sisters were standing at the top of the steps, listening to the exchange of words between their brother and George. It shocked and worried them, hearing Johnny so angry…they were starting to think that their brother needed help.

Becoming angry over the exchange of words from the two men, Sanchez said, “George…I said to knock it off…shut up, right now…go home and be thankful for your freedom… before you lose it and I put you * back * behind bars…go…Mr. Reynolds…get you client outta here…now…and George, if you bother these men while they're here…I * will * come after you…now go!”

“George, calm down and let's go…now. You don't need anymore trouble.” Reynolds said.

Harold gently pulled George by the arm, pulling him away from Johnny…the man reluctantly walked away...but he still taunted Johnny.

“Yeah, you're mine boy…and if I * ever * see your face around here again…I'll take care of you once and for all.”

“Yeah…uh huh…we'll see about that.” Johnny replied.

Mr. Reynolds saw as Sanchez pulled out his handcuffs.

Afraid that Sanchez would do what he said, the attorney said, “Shut up and go George. Sanchez * will * put'cha back in jail…now go.”

Softening his tone, knowing what the young, dark haired man had gone through, he looked to the men of Station 51, and said, “Captain Stanley…go on and get Johnny outta here…it's all over now, you guys won't have to worry about George.”

Speaking directed to Johnny, Marcus said, “Johnny…I really thought a lot about your Mom and Dad, they were good and decent people. I'm real sorry about your loss and if you need anything while you're here, please let me know.”

Calming himself down, Johnny softly replied, “Thank ya Sheriff…I appreciate that, but I guess I'm doin' okay.”

“Well…if you need anything…and you all stay in town as long as you like. Hope ta' talk to you all later.”

As the men said their good-byes to the Sheriff, he made his way back into the courthouse and Johnny and his friends went to their cars and went back to Johnny's parent's house.

June 10 th …Los Angeles California…Johnny's apartment…

After the incident at the courthouse, Johnny didn't stay for a couple of weeks…as Gary and the others thought and hoped he would…afraid that he might do something that he would regret, Johnny returned back to Los Angeles only three days after the funeral.

The next day, when Johnny showed up for work, Captain Stanley knew that after only three days, that he hadn't had enough time to grieve his loss and that he didn't need to be there…and after a rather loud discussion in his office, Hank called in a replacement, and sent his younger paramedic home.

Leaving the Station angry, Johnny returned to his apartment and going inside and slamming the door and throwing his keys on the table, he went to his fridge and pulled out two six packs of beer and after opening a can and taking a drink, he walked over to a table where he had pictures sitting. After sitting the packs of beer down, he picked up one picture in particular…the last one that had been taken, only months before, of him and his brothers and sisters with their parents. His anger over what happened earlier at the Station quickly faded and his tears appeared and rolled down his face, as he held the picture close to his chest.

“Oh Mama…Dad…why…why did this happen…it isn't fair…I miss you both…so much…what am I…supposed ta' do now…”

After a few moments, Johnny wiped his eyes and walked over and sat down on his couch, propping his feet up on the table, as he tried to drink away his pain, grief and anger, as he continued to stare at the picture he held in his hand.

******

After his shift was over, and wanting to get away from Brice as soon as he could, Roy hurried over to Johnny's apartment to check on his partner, and hoped his friend would be in the mood to talk.

Johnny heard the knock on the door, but decided to ignore it, figuring it was his best friend or maybe one of the other guys from the Station…at the moment, Johnny didn't want to talk to anyone and just wanted to be left alone.

But Roy didn't give up; he kept knocking, as he shouted for his friend.

“Johnny…Johnny…come on, I know you're in there, I saw the Rover in the parking lot…and if you don't open up, I'll just keep knockin' till ya do…and I really doubt that the neighbors are gonna appreciate the noise…come on Junior, open up!”

Roy did as he said he would…he continued to knock until Johnny finally set the picture down in front of him, then getting up and going over to the door, he opened it up. When the door opened, Roy saw the can of beer in his best friend's hand…he became more worried, knowing that Johnny really didn't drink that much.

** Well…wonder how much he's had ta' drink…Junior…this isn't like you and I don't like where this is headed **

“Hey Johnny.”

Taking another drink, Johnny swallowed, and softly asked, “What'cha doin' here Roy? I wanna be by myself.”

Not replying to his friend, Roy asked, “Aren't'cha even gonna invite me in Junior?”

** Man, he doesn't listen **

Stepping aside, Johnny motioned for his partner to come in, as he said, "Sure...come on in."

Stepping inside, Roy noticed, by the tone in his partner's voice, that he was only being nice…he also saw all the empty beer cans sitting on Johnny's living room table…he noticed the redness in his best friend's eyes…he knew Johnny had been crying and that their Captain had done the right thing by sending him home…he was in no shape to work. He then saw the picture sitting on the table.

** Oh Junior…why are you doin' this to yourself…it isn't gonna bring ‘em back **

Running a hand through his long hair, and pushing it out of his face, Johnny asked, “What'cha want Pally?”

“I just came by ta' check on you…ya know, after what happened this mornin'…and I wanna talk.”

“Okay…you came, you checked, I'm fine…and I don't…now take the hint and just leave me alone.”

** Okay…my guess is that he's in a bad mood…but that's understandable, Cap sent him home **

Johnny walked over to his recliner and after he sat down, he finished off the remaining beer that was in the can he was holding…following him from the door, Roy looked over to where his friend had his telephone sitting and noticed the number of messages that were blinking and unchecked on his answering machine. Twelve, and he wondered if they were from his brothers and sisters…he figured that some were his and the guys from the Station.

After a moment, Roy went over and sat across from his friend, on his couch.

“Ah…aren't you gonna check your messages Johnny? You've got quite a few.”

Looking in that direction, Johnny said, “Nope…know who they're probably from…and I don't wanna talk to ‘em.”

Roy reached over and picked up the picture, and asked, “Johnny…what is this…why are you…?”

Johnny quickly leaned forward and jerked the picture of his partner's hand, holding it close to his chest.

Angrily speaking, Johnny said, “Don't even go there Roy…this is none of your business!”

Holding his hands up in front of him, Roy replied, “Okay…okay, I‘m sorry…just relax.”

“Are you plannin' on stayin'?”

As he sat back on the couch, Roy replied, and said, “And yeah, for a little while…I wanna know how you're doin'…I mean * really * doin'.”

Even though Roy could see the number of beer cans that were sitting on his friend's table, he asked anyway.

“How much have you had to drink…this isn't like you Johnny…you don‘t drink that much…tell me what‘s goin‘ on with you, and what you're feelin'.”

Sarcastically, and a little drunk, Johnny answered, and said, “Oh, it's not like me…I think you've said somethin' like that before…thinkin' you know me so well…see for yourself. And you wanna know what's goin on partner…I'll tell ya what's goin' on…I just buried my parents a couple'a days ago…* both * of my parents…because of some stupid damn drunk…a man who thought that he could…have a few…but still get behind the wheel of a…of a flippin' car…and drive it!”

Sitting the picture down, Johnny angrily stood and ran his hand through his long hair…he began to pace around the room. Roy tried to prepare himself for Johnny's outburst, the one that he knew was coming …but he had no idea how bad it was going to be.

** Uh oh…here it comes…the explosion Mikey was talkin' about **

As he continued to pace, he said, “You wanna know…ya wanna know how I'm * really * doin'?”

“Yeah, I really wanna know…so I can help.”

Taking a deep breath, Johnny replied, “Help…you wanna help…okay then, let me ask ya a question…can you bring my parents back…if you can, *that* will help me…otherwise, you're wastin' your time even bein' here.”

** No Johnny, I'm not wastin' my time…you're my best friend…and I care about'cha **

Before Roy could put his thoughts into words, Johnny said, “And I'm doin' lousy…here I am…I'm ready to fall apart over this…but I get through it…just barely…along with the guy that did it, gettin' off…and then I come home…needin' ta' get back ta' work…ta' be with my friends…or at least back to people that I * thought * were my friends…and my family …guys that I always thought that I could depend on…and have support from…and what happens…I don't get it and then Cap…he sends me home!”

Before Roy could tell Johnny that they were a family and that he did have support from his friends, the beer cans started to fly across the room, as Johnny became angrier and the tears started to stream down his face. Roy only sat there, letting Johnny release his anger and sadness…along with dodging a can or two when he had to.

As Johnny shouted, and threw more cans, he said, “This isn't fair…it just…isn't fair…Mom and Dad…they should still be…be here…that drunk, that damn drunk…took away my family…he tore it apart…why Roy…why did he do it…didn't he…didn't he think…of what he might do…or the damage…he might cause…didn't he care…why didn't he think …I feel so alone now…I miss ‘em…so much…it should'a been…him that died…it's never…the drunks who pays…never…I wanna kill 'm…I swear I think I could…will…kill that man!”

With no more cans to throw, and feeling exhausted, Johnny fell to the floor, sobbing. Roy went over and knelt down and sat beside his friend and gently touched his shoulder, as he softly spoke to his partner, trying to control his own emotions.

“No…it * isn't * fair…and I don't know Junior…I don't know why people just don't think before they do stupid things…and think of the pain that they're gonna cause for other people…I've never understood it…and none of us probably ever will…but you're right, your Mom and Dad * should * still be here…and I know you miss ‘em and I can't imagine what you're even goin' through…what any of you are goin' through right now…but first off, you are * not * going to do anything…well, anything * else * to the guy…and I want you ta' know somethin'…I'm here…Cap and the rest of the guys are here…and your bothers and sisters are here…and you are * not * alone…and I promise you…you never will be…all of us are gonna be right here for you, just as long as you want and need us ta' be…okay.”

Johnny was still crying as he leaned over on the edge of the couch, laying his head on the cushion...Roy stayed right with his best friend.

As he was coming down from the adrenaline rush, Johnny softly and tiredly said, “Thanks Pally…I really…really need you guys…I'm so tired…I feel like…just givin' up…I can't do this…I just…just can't…it hurts so…so much…I want 'em back Roy…why do all…the people I love…why are they always taken…taken away from me…grandfather…my grandmother…now Mom an' Dad…I'm scared…scared that you…or one of the guys…are gonna be next…and I couldn't…live with that.”

Gently rubbing Johnny's back as he cried, Roy softly replied, “No Johnny, you can't give up, even though it hurts, you can't…your Mom and Dad wouldn't want that…and me and the rest of the guys sure don't, and neither do your brothers and sisters. And not everybody has been taken away…for what it's worth, like I told'cha, you've got all of us, and we're all hurtin', just like you are…and none of us are gonna go anywhere, we won't be taken away. Your Mom and Dad were special ta' us, they treated all of us guys like family, and your bothers and sisters always have…so we won't let you down, we're all in this, together…I promise.”

After a moment, Johnny set up and spoke, and almost begging, he said, “It means…a lot Roy…please talk ta' Cap…I need ta' come…come back to work…sittin' around here is gonna…drive me totally nuts…please Roy…please I need…need ta' work…it'll help…please.”

Calming his friend, Roy replied, “Okay…I'll talk ta' Cap…don't be mad at him Johnny, he was just worried about'cha and he…well he had to do what was best, that's why he sent'cha home today…and he may want you to take some time off, and you need to, but I'll talk to him…promise.”

“Okay…thanks Pally. And I‘m sorry…for bein‘…such a jerk and…and yellin‘ before.” Johnny softly sobbed.

“You're welcome Junior. And don‘t worry about it…it‘s okay.”

The two friends sat on the floor, as Roy continued to comfort his best friend.

******

The next day, Roy talked to Cap about Johnny coming back to work. After Hank and Johnny spoke to each other on the phone and the paramedic agreed to take at least the next week off to deal with the loss of his parents, Hank promised that he would clear Johnny to return to work.

During his week off, Roy had convinced Johnny to go back to Montana, to be with his brothers and sisters…and to not get into any trouble.

June 17 th …Station 51...

Returning to work, Johnny pulled his Rover into the parking lot behind the Station. Sitting there for a few minutes, he tried, not only to stop his hands from shaking, but also to try to get his breathing slowed down and under control.

** Oh god, what have I done…what if he… **

Finally calming himself down, getting out of the truck and slowly walking into the Station, Johnny went into the locker room and found the rest of the crew there, changing into their uniforms. After being back home with his family, he really didn't want to be back at the Station, but he acted as if everything was okay.

Seeing Johnny walk in, Chet said, “Hey Johnny, how ya…?

Afraid that he might upset his friend, Chet suddenly stopped and turned back to his locker. Seeing this, Johnny looked at his friend.

“Chet…I'm not gonna fall apart…you can ask me a question without bein' scared that I will.”

Being embarrassed, Chet looked down at the floor before he spoke again.

“Sorry Johnny. I just didn't know if…well I mean, are you…?”

Roy stepped up and said, “I think he's tryin' to ask how you're doin' Junior.”

Johnny slightly smiled, as he went over to his locker and opened it up, hanging up his jacket

Turning and sitting in his locker, Johnny said, “Yeah Pally, I knew that. I'm good guys… really, I think I'm gonna be alright…but I've decided that I'm gonna leave tomorrow night and go back…back home and see the guys and Kara and KC…go to the…the graves again. But I'm alright.”

Johnny quickly stood and went back to getting his uniform out and changing into it…a sure sign, at least to Roy, that his best friend wasn't alright.

** No you're not partner…you can fool the guys…but not me **

“Well, we're all glad to hear that Johnny. It's just gonna take some time, but you'll be fine…and we‘re all here if you need ta‘ talk.”

Marco and Chet agreed and replied with, “Yeah…that's right…anytime.”

“Thanks Mikey, guys, I appreciate that. I know, time heals all, right…well, I hope so. I still have to check on some unfinished business back home, so I'll be gone for a few days.”

** Junior, you're still thinkin' about that guy…I hope you don't do anything stupid **

Johnny continued to get ready for work, but there was something in what he said, along with his tone of voice, that not only his partner noticed, but the others did as well…it made them a little uneasy. Hank walked in and saw the looks of the faces of his men.

“Hey guys, roll call…hi Johnny, welcome back pal. Is something wrong?”

“Hey Cap. No, I'm fine, don‘t know ‘bout the rest of ‘em, but I‘m okay.”

Hank looked at Roy and saw him mouth the words, “I'll tell you later.”

Nodding his head in understanding, Hank said, “Well, okay then…we'll have roll call now, if everybody's ready.”

“Okay Cap.” the men answered.

As everyone made their way out into the bay, Johnny was the last to leave.

Stopping his paramedic, Hank asked, “Ah John…can I talk to ya for a minute?”

“Sure Cap. What's up?”

The tone in Johnny's voice when he answered made Hank a little bit more comfortable…he hoped that his paramedic had forgiven him for sending him home. But being a little hesitant, Stanley looked down at his clipboard as he finally answered his friend.

"Cap...what is it?"

“I ah…I just wanted to apologize for the other day, in my office, and make sure that…well that everything's alright…with you…and between the two of us.”

Reaching and taking his uniform jacket from his locker, Johnny answered, “Yeah Cap, I'm fine…we're fine. I'll admit, I was mad when you sent me home…but, I understand, I was in bad shape. It was just such a shock…losin' Mom and Dad…like that…and I just…”

Placing his hand on his paramedic's shoulder, Hank interrupted him, and said, “Johnny… look, I don't wanna bring up any painful memories…but if you wanna talk…well, I just want you to know that I'm here…anytime…all right.”

Closing his locker, and putting on his jacket, Johnny replied, “Yeah I know…and I appreciate that Cap. But when I check on things back home, everything'll done and over with and I'll be fine.”

The young paramedic noticed the look on his Captain's face, but not waiting for a response, Johnny walked out of the locker room and into the bay for roll call.

******

Johnny had taken the next three days off and had returned to Montana. But when he returned back to LA and work, the crew started to notice little things in Johnny that made them worry.

June 20 th …Station 51...

All the men were preparing for another day at work, when Johnny finally came into the locker room, never saying a word. Looking at their friend, the crew noticed that Johnny's face was sunk in, his eyes were red and he was even skinnier than before…they also noticed how jumpy and nervous their friend was…especially when he was surprised by their Captain entering the room and speaking to them.

“Mornin' guys. How's everybody today?”

Johnny jumped as if he had been shot, along with his hands shaking, but tried to hide it, but everyone saw it. When none of the men answered and he saw the way his senior paramedic was looking at him, Hank knew that Roy wanted to talk to Johnny…getting the others out of the room, Stanley was able to give the two paramedics some time alone.

“Hey guys, let's go in the kitchen for a few minutes. John, Roy, you two join us when you get ready.”

“Okay Cap.” Roy softly answered.

As the locker room door closed, Roy heard Johnny speak.

“Go ahead and ask me Pally…you got somethin' ta' talk about, I know you do.”

Sitting down on the bench, Roy said, “There isn't anything ta' talk about Junior…you look as if you haven't slept in months…I know you haven't been eatin', just by lookin' at'cha…your eyes are bloodshot and you're so nervous, look at your hands, it's like you're waitin' for somethin' ta' happen, just like just now, you jumped a mile when you heard Cap sayin' somethin'. Do you wanna talk about what went on back home?”

As Johnny tried to hide his tears, and stop his hands from shaking, he turned and took a seat in his locker and just shook his head no. Roy then continued, hoping he wouldn't upset his partner anymore than he already was.

“You know…when I lost my Dad last year…it was hard…even though he had been sick and there was nothin' that could be done for him, and we knew it was comin'…it was still hard to accept that he was gone…but when you lose someone…* two * people, like you did…and with it bein' so sudden and unexpected, I know it's gotta be even harder …especially under the circumstances. Johnny…you don't have to work today…I know… I've got an idea and Cap probably wouldn't mind…let's have him call in replacements for us and we'll both take the day off…then we'll go somewhere quiet and we can talk all you want to, I think you need it. How's that sound?”

Johnny tried to keep control over his emotions, but not succeeding, Johnny replied, “First off…nothin'…* happened *…back home, I just…made sure some business was wrapped up…and it was. But, I need ta' work…I'm gonna...gonna be alright…really. But…when we get off…can I take ya up on that offer?”

Letting a small smile come to his face, Roy answered, and said, “You bet you can Junior.”

As he stood up and closed his locker, Johnny softly said, “Thanks Pally. Just tell Cap that I'm gonna be okay…I know he's gonna ask.”

“I will Johnny, don't worry about it.”

******

The shift went pretty well…Johnny did his job as he always did, like a total professional. Everyone did keep a close eye on him though, and Roy noticed a few times during the day that his best friend looked as if he could have fallen apart. He also saw him looking over his shoulder a few times.

After the shift ended everyone said their good-byes and left.

As Johnny and Roy were leaving, Roy said, “Come on Johnny, let's go somewhere, how about up to the cabin…we'll stop and get some food and coffee and other supplies…we can stay Friday and over the weekend and go fishin'…got the gear up there and we can fish and just talk. I'll go home, gather up my gear and tell Jo what we're doin', then I'll run by your place and pick you up. We can take my truck.”

** Coffee…no beer huh…well for me, coffee might be better anyway **

The young paramedic nodded his head in agreement, as he said, “Yeah, okay. Meet me at my place so I can drop off the Rover. I'll get my stuff together and be ready when you get there.”

Johnny then walked off and got in his truck and drove off.

“Oh partner…I'm really worried about'cha.” Roy whispered to himself.

After going home, getting his things together and letting JoAnne know what was going on, Roy went to Johnny's apartment. After loading Johnny's gear, the two friends made their way up to the lake and the DeSoto cabin.

June 23 rd …Station 51...

After having the weekend off, the men returned to work. With everyone getting ready, and Johnny acting basically normal, they all thought that their friend was finally getting adjusted to the loss of his parents…until one run…

“Station 51...traffic accident, with injuries and people trapped…1137 Eastern Avenue…1-1-3-7 Eastern Avenue…ambulance is responding…timeout, 10:47.”

“Station 51 10-4 KMG365.”

The men rushed to the Squad and Engine, and rolled out of the Station, Code R.

Arriving on the scene fifteen minutes later, the crew got out of the vehicles. Roy and Johnny grabbed their turnout coats, along with what equipment they knew they would need, as Captain Stanley started giving orders to the engine crew.

“Marco, grab a real line and wash down this gas…Chet, pull an inch and a half and be ready just in case we need it.”

Nodding, the two men did as Stanley ordered, while the paramedics went to check on the victims.

Seeing that the lines had been pulled, Hank got on the handi talki, and said, “Michael, charge the lines pal.”

Coming to the first car, Johnny stopped to check on the young teenager that was behind the wheel, while Roy made his way to the driver's side of the second car.

“Hey…are you alright…what's your name?” Johnny asked.

Looking at the dark haired paramedic in the eyes, and almost laughing, the boy answered, and said, “Yeah man, I'm alright…but my friend outran me and jus' kept goin'.”

** You just busted somebody head on…and you think its funny…ah man, kids these days **

Seeing the blood coming from the boy's nose, Johnny gently checked his face.

“Yeah, well, you aren't exactly alright. You have some cuts and bruises…and I'd say…a broken nose…guess you hit it on the steering wheel. Are you hurt anywhere else and what's your name?”

Taking a moment to check himself over, he finally answered, “Yeah…guess I did, but I don't remember. But nah, I'm okay…just kinda stuck…man, what a trip. My names Chuck…Chuck Manson.”

“Nice ta' meet'cha Chuck, my name's Johnny. Okay…just hang tight for a minute and we'll …we'll get'cha outta here.”

“Cool man.”

** Cool man…what a trip…you're such a jerk, you * and * your dumb friend…wherever he is **

Walking over to his Captain, Johnny said, “Hey Cap, we're gonna need the jaws ta' get this guy outta tha' car…he seems ta' be okay, just a broken nose, along with some cuts and bruises. Can you and Mike handle it while I go help Roy?”

“Sure Johnny, we got it, go ahead.”

After nodding to his boss, Johnny started making his way over to the car and his partner.

Looking up, Roy saw Johnny coming towards the car…he became worried, wondering how his partner would handle the accident.

“Hey Roy, what'cha…got?”

Roy saw the look on Johnny's face when he looked inside the car. Chet and Marco were carefully removing the kids from the car…fortunately, they had only minor injuries.

** Come on Junior, hold it together **

Somehow, Johnny knew that the parents were gone.

Swallowing hard, Johnny softly asked, “How…how are the kids?”

Marco looked at him, and replied, “Just minor injuries. Me and Chet can handle this while you and Roy take…care of the parents.”

Hesitating for a moment, Johnny said, “Ah…yeah…okay Marco.”

As Johnny started to reach to check for a pulse on the driver, Roy softly said, “Johnny …he's gone…so is she.”

Starting to look a little pale, Roy knew that the memories of his parent's deaths were coming back to his partner's mind. He was also afraid that his friend was going to pass out, as he saw Johnny starting to sway and become unsteady on his feet.

Rushing over to his partner, Roy placed a hand on his shoulder, and said, “Johnny…are you alright?”

“I'm okay Roy…I'm…okay. Let's just get ‘em outta here partner.” Johnny softly replied.

“Okay partner.”

As Hank and Mike got the other driver out, and making sure that he and the kids were alright, they joined the rest of the crew, as they worked to get the other two victims from their vehicle…but they all were keeping a close eye on Johnny. Cap got on the handi talki and requested another ambulance.

“LA, Engine 51.”

“Go ahead 51.”

“LA, respond another ambulance to our location…we have two Code F's.”

“10-4 51.”

As the crew finally got the parents out of the car, and had the teen driver and the kids ready for transport, Mike and Chet placed the two Code F's in the first ambulance, and stood for a moment, watching as it drove away…Roy, Marco and Cap placed the others in the second ambulance. Johnny only stepped off to the side, standing there, watching everything that was taking place.

Seeing the look on Johnny's face, Cap and Roy didn't know if he was in any shape to ride in the ambulance or take the squad in. They decided that is might be safer for the young paramedic to ride in the ambulance to Rampart General.

“Hey Johnny, why don't you ride with the kids…I'll bring the squad in and meet'cha at Rampart.”

Johnny didn't reply, he only stood, starring at the wrecked vehicles and wondering if his parents had suffered or if the Spirits had taken them quickly…he prayed they were taken quickly. Roy had to touch him on the shoulder in order to get his attention.

“Johnny…did'cha hear me? You go with the kids and I'll bring the squad in.”

Being startled, Johnny jerked around to look at his friends before he answered.

“Huh…ah no…yeah…I heard'cha' and, I'm alright…I'll drive the squad into the hospital. I'll meet'cha there Pally.”

“Are you sure you're okay ta' drive Junior?”

Seeing the worried looks on the other men's faces, Johnny replied, "Yeah, I'm fine. You go on with the kids…Roy…I can't do it...I can't get in there with ‘em. I'll take the squad and be right behind'cha."

Neither Roy nor the others were convinced that Johnny was alright, but they decided, for the time being, to keep it to themselves.

“Okay, I'll see ya there.” Roy said.

Roy climbed into the ambulance and Marco closed the doors, giving them two taps. They stood and watched as the ambulances drove out of sight.

“John, we're gonna head on back to the Station. You sure you don't want Chet or Marco to drive the squad and take you to Rampart to meet Roy?”

“Cap…really, I'm fine…and I can drive.”

Placing his turnout coat over his arm, Hank replied, and said, “Okay Johnny, we‘ll meet you and Roy back at the Station.”

Johnny didn't reply, he only slightly nodded to his head, then made his way to the squad and drove off…leaving the rest of the crew behind.

“Cap, I'm worried about Johnny. He isn't actin' right.”

“So am I Marco…so am I. But, I guess all any of us can do is just…be there for ‘im when he needs us…and try ta' help, even if he doesn't want it. Come on guys, let's head back to the Station.”

The crew nodded their heads and loaded up in the engine and made their way back to the Station.

At Rampart General, Roy was waiting by the nurse's Station and talking to Dixie while he waited for his partner to arrive.

“I'm worried about ‘im Dix. He's not eatin'…he's lost more weight, and it's weight he can't afford to lose…it seems as if he's tired all the time and he's never happy anymore…at the Station, he's keepin' to himself most of the time and he's been actin' really nervous since he came on this morning…it's like he did somethin' that he shouldn't have done and he's just afraid that somebody's gonna find out about it…like he's waitin' for the other shoe to drop.”

“Well…did anything happen while he was home?”

Shaking his head no, Roy said, “He says it didn't…but I don't know, as angry as he was at the guy who…I hate to think this way but, since he's been back, sometimes…sometimes I wonder if he…”

Roy didn't finish the sentence…he didn't like what he was thinking about his best friend. Seeing the look on the head nurses' face, he knew Dixie didn't like it either.

“Now Roy…honestly, as long as you've know Johnny, which has been a * long* time, you really can't believe that he could ever do anything to hurt another human being…do you?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Roy quietly replied, and said, “I don't know Dix, you didn't see ‘im…the way he just…attacked that guy. I'll admit, the guy deserved it…and I would have loved to have helped him…but…seein' Johnny do that…it just wasn't normal for him. At that wreck we just had, when he came over to the car, he looked as if he was gonna pass out…I guess seein' the shape those victims were in…the parents…that brought everything back to ‘im.”

After signing her name on a report she was working on, Dixie looked up at Roy and tried to be positive as she spoke to him.

“I know Roy, I've even noticed it. I don't know, he's distant ta' Joe, Kel and me to… maybe he just needs a little more time to adjust. It takes some people longer than others to get use to that kind of loss, you know.”

Sitting his coffee cup down on the desk, Roy replied, “Yeah, I know, but…I just wish there was some way I could help him…or that he'd come and talk to me…I don't know what else ta' do and he's really startin' to scare me.”

Dixie started to answer but didn't, seeing that Johnny was coming down the hall towards them. The head nurse could tell by looking at the paramedic that what Roy had said was true…too true…she could see that Johnny had lost too much weight…his clothes were looser on him than the last time she had seen him and she saw that he looked overly tired and unhappy.

Stepping up to the desk and letting out a tired breath, Johnny said, “Hey Dix…Roy. I'm ready to go back to the Station…can we go now…I'm really tired.”

“Sure Johnny, we…”

Johnny didn't let his best friend finish, as he softly said, “Bye Dix.”

He then turned and headed for the doors, with Roy and Dixie watching him as he left.

Turning back to Dixie, Roy softly asked, “You see how he is…what can I do?”

“Just show ‘im that you guys are there for him if he needs you…and even if he tries to push you and the others away...be there.”

“Well, I'm sure gonna try…we're * all* gonna try. See ya later Dix.”

“Bye Roy.”

The head nurse watched, as Roy hurried after his partner. She was as worried about Johnny as the rest of the paramedic's friends were.

******

The next week and a half went about the same…Johnny becoming more depressed and withdrawn, the anger…the times that the men at the Station had found their friend sitting alone in the floor and crying. At other times Johnny would suddenly become angry over nothing one minute and then calming himself down and acting as if nothing had happened the next.

As Johnny continued to refuse his friend's help, the rest of the crew was becoming even more worried. One day at the Station, before Johnny arrived, the crew, already there and in uniform, were sitting at the kitchen table, trying to come up with a way to help their friend…but as they talked, they kept an eye…and an ear…out for the dark haired paramedic.

July 3 rd …Station 51…

“Guys, I just don't know what else to do. Johnny's gettin' worse with the depression, tha' mood swings and not eatin' and he won't accept help. Cap…do * you* have any ideas…anything that might help? I'm willin' ta' try whatever you guys could come up with.”

Roy and the others looked over at their boss…waiting for an answer…but Hank had only one suggestion that he wasn't even sure that his junior paramedic would ever consider.

Letting out a slow breath, Hank shook his head, and said, “Roy, guys, I…I don't know…except…”

“Except what Cap?”

Hesitating for a moment, the Captain finally answered, and said, “Well Marco, maybe see if Johnny would see…a psychiatrist.”

All of the men looked around at each other, finding it hard to believe what they had just heard...their friend, seeing a "shrink" as they knew Johnny had always called them.

“But Cap…do you think that would help…and would Gage…Johnny…even do it?”

Nodding his head, Hank said, “Yeah Chet, I think it would help…a great deal. Johnny's gonna have to talk about it, with somebody…and a...shrink...could help more than any of us ever could."

******

Back in the locker room, Johnny was sitting on the bench, in front of his locker. As he quietly came into the Station, he had heard what his friends were talking about.

“Yeah, they all think I'm goin' crazy…and I'm startin' ta' believe 'em. I can't believe he...it wasn't supposed ta' happen that way. Why did I do it...why didn't I just...walk away?” Johnny softly said to himself.

{Johnny...Johnny, you must join us now...you must do whatever it takes to come be with us. Do you hear me son?}

Hearing the voice and slowly turning around, Johnny didn't see anything, at first.

Softly he asked, "What...who's there?"

{Son, it's me, your Father. Your Mother and I want you here, with us...it's time for you to join us. You did what you had to do}

Starring out into space, the images of his parents suddenly and very clearly appeared before Johnny's eyes.

“Mama…Dad?”

{Yes Johnny, it's us. Everything is fine now…you got revenge for us and now you can come and be happy, with us. There is no pain or suffering here and it's beautiful.}

The exhausted paramedic quickly turned back to face his locker, and rocking back and forth, he placed his hands over his ears...he knew his friends must be right…he had to be losing his mind.

"No...no, not again…the two of you are dead...you're not here...what I did, it was wrong... and I didn't meant to do it and I'm so sorry...no stop, please, leave me alone...please just leave...leave me alone!"

******

Looking at Roy, Mike asked, "Roy, what do you think...do you think Johnny would agree to it?"

After thinking for a moment, Roy said, “Well, we've tried everything * we * know to do…and nothing's helped…maybe you're right Cap, maybe a psychiatrist *could* help. I can talk ta' Johnny and see…”

Before Roy could finish his sentence, the men heard a loud noise that sounded like a locker door slamming, and shouting coming from the dorm and they knew it was Johnny…they were shocked that they hadn't heard their friend come into the Station.

"NOOOOO...GET AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE…PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The five frightened men got up from the table and quickly made their way into the locker room…they saw their friend huddled over in the corner of the room, with his hands and arms shielding his face and head…he was shaking and crying as he softly kept repeating “please leave me alone…please leave me alone.”

“Cap?”

“Roy, guys, don't go near him. I'm gonna call a Code I and get an ambulance over here…along with Doctor Brackett, if he's available, this is way out of our league boys. Roy, when they get here, you can ride in with him.”

The men shook their heads and stayed away from Johnny. They all stood there, watching as their friend stayed huddled in the corner with his hands over his ears, wanting someone, they didn't really know who, even though they had an idea, to leave him alone.

Seeing that his Captain was out of the room, and knowing the his best friend needed help, Roy slowly made his way over to his partner...Stanley walked back into the room about that time.

“Roy…don't get too close.”

“It's alright Cap.”

Slowly kneeling down next to his best friend, Roy softly said, “Johnny…Johnny, it's okay…it's me, Roy…relax…you're alright.”

Being scared and looking up at his partner, Johnny stopped rocking, took a shaky breath, and said, “Roy…Roy, are they gone…have they left…?”

Roy knew that nobody, except the crew, was in the room, but he played along with his partner just to keep him from getting more upset.

“Yeah…yeah Junior, they're gone and you're alright.”

Looking to make sure he didn't see anyone, Johnny looked back at Roy, and said, “Good… I'm glad they…they're leavin' me alone…but help me…please Roy…they want me…help me…please…”

After a few minutes, they heard the sounds of the approaching sirens coming toward the Station.

“I'll be right back.“ Stanley said.

Hank left the room and went out in the bay, opening the door. Minutes later, the ambulance attendants and Doctor Brackett followed the Captain into the room. Looking first at Brackett then back to his partner, Roy softly spoke to Johnny.

“I will Junior, I will. Doc's here and he's gonna help to…we all are and you're gonna be fine. Let's get on the gurney…okay.”

Johnny shook his head and as Roy and Doctor Brackett helped Johnny onto the gurney, they loaded the paramedic into the ambulance and headed for Rampart General.

July 5 th …Rampart General Hospital's Psychiatric Ward…

As Kel and Dixie stood watching their friend, Dixie softly spoke.

“I can see it in his eyes…they don't have the life and sparkle in them anymore. Kel…it's like Johnny…like he isn't even in there now, like he's just given up. I hate seeing him like this.”

“I know what'cha mean Dix…so do I. He was having a hard enough time when his parents were killed, and then that run where those parents were killed, Roy said that he and the guys had never seen Johnny like that when they got back to the Station…all the anger one minute, then calming down and sitting on the floor, crying uncontrollably the next, being withdrawn…he said that it really scared all of them.”

The two stood in silence and after a few minutes, Joe walked up and joined them.

“Hey Kel, Dix. How's Johnny doing…any change?”

Turning to look at his friend, Kel replied, “Hey Joe…he's not doin' too good, and there's been no change. The two days that he's been here, he's just been sittin' there, starrin' straight ahead. He still hasn't eat or slept and everytime somebody goes near him to try to give him something, he throws a fit.”

“Well, Roy's waiting out in the hall…he wanted to know if he could see ‘im. Wonder if Doctor Perkins would allow him to go in for a few minutes…maybe he can convince Johnny that sleep would do him some good, along with eating something.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Kel said, “I don't really know. I guess all we can do is ask her and see what she says.”

“I hope she does…if anybody can help and get through to Johnny, maybe Roy can.” Dixie hopefully said.

Seeing the look on Kel's face, Joe asked, "What is it Kel?”

Hesitating a moment, Kel took a breath, and finally spoke

“I'm wondering if maybe Johnny's past that point…the point of help…with everything that's happened to him.”

“Let's hope not. Where's Doctor Perkins?”

“I think she's over at the nurse's Station, working on her charts.” Dixie replied.

“Okay, I'll go talk to her and see what she says.”

A few minutes later, Joe walked back over and spoke with his friends.

“Kel, Doctor Perkins said that as long as Roy doesn't get him upset, he could go in and see Johnny for a few minutes.”

“Thanks Joe, I'll go get Roy.”

Brackett walked out into the hall and found Roy, pacing back and forth. A few moments later, the two men came back into the room.

Walking over and looking through the window, Roy was stunned at the appearance of his best friend and partner. He saw how sunken Johnny's face and eyes were and how much more weight he had lost…he could tell that the gown that Johnny was wearing hung loosely around his too thin frame…they were even bigger than they had been in the past when he had been a patient at Rampart.

It was at that moment that Roy didn't know if he could go in and see his best friend.

Finally finding his voice, Roy softly asked, “Doc…has Johnny said anything to anybody at all…or shown any signs of being responsive?”

Sadly shaking his head, Kel replied, “No Roy, nothing…well, not unless you count when somebody goes in and tries to talk to him or give him something to help him sleep…then he goes totally ballistic…but you can see that Dixie finally got a gown on ‘im. He isn't eating or drinking anything either and we're afraid that he's gonna get sick, weak and dehydrated.”

“I think he already is Doc.” Roy replied sadly.

“Yeah Roy, you might be right. But we thought that if * you* went in and tried talked to him, maybe he would talk to you and maybe even eat and drink something and see if he might go to sleep for a little while. Do you think you could help?” Joe asked.

Roy let out a breath before he answered Doctor Early.

“Doc…I don't know what else I can do ta' help Johnny. Me and the guys have tried everything…nothin' seems ta‘ help...the more we've tried, the more he's pushed us away, but as long as we don't ask how he's doin' or bring up the subject of his parents, he seems fine. But you know me, I'm willin' ta' try again…and again…and again…if I have to ‘cause, I know he needs help. Can I just go on in?”

“Sure Roy…follow me.”

Kel led Roy over to the door. DeSoto reached for the doorknob, but it took a moment for him to be able to enter the room. He finally went in and quietly closed the door behind him.

Roy slowly approached his best friend, so he wouldn't startled him.

Softly speaking, Roy said, “Hey Johnny.”

Johnny didn't answer his friend, as he continued to sit there and stare straight ahead. Remembering what Brackett had told him about the way Johnny had reacted to the others that had tried to go near him, Roy slowly walked over to his friend and cautiously and carefully reached out and gently placed his hand on his partner's shoulder. Johnny didn't react or even turn his head to see who was in the room with him…Roy felt that Johnny somehow knew it was him. Roy finally spoke again, not really knowing how to get the conversation started.

“Johnny…it's me, Roy...I just came ta' check on ya. How ya doin'?”

Johnny slowly turned his head, and with eyes that were tired and red, he looked at his best friend. Roy saw a small smile that seemed to light his friend's face light up ever so slightly.

“Hey Roy.” Johnny softly answered.

“Hey. How ya feelin'?”

Johnny turned his head and looked back down at his hands.

Shrugging his shoulders, he softly said, “Okay…I guess.”

Seeing that Johnny wasn't going to say anything else, Roy asked, “Mind if I sit down?”

Johnny didn't look at Roy; he only shook his head. Roy sat down on the bed beside his friend, and spoke.

"Johnny...you know, I was told that…well, that you haven't eaten or slept in a few days… do you wanna get somethin' ta' eat, I know I'm hungry…then maybe you can try to get some sleep? You should try, you've gotta be hungry and tired."

Johnny finally looked at his friend then turned his head and looked and pointed at the window in the room, as he spoke to Roy.

"Where am I…how long have I…I been here…and who are those people out there that keep lookin' at me? None of ‘em will come in and…and talk to me.”

It worried Roy that his friend didn‘t know where he was or how long he had been in the hospital. He really became alarmed when his friend asked who the people were looking through the window at him. His partner sounded so lonely.

Finally answering, Roy said, "You're in Rampart Johnny, and you've been here for two days. You're in the observation ward Junior, and that's Dixie and Doctor Brackett and Doctor Early out there, and they‘re all worried about‘cha…just like I am.”

Slowly shaking his head, Johnny softly replied, "Oh, didn't know that. Have I been here before?”

Smiling, Roy replied, “Yeah partner, you have…well, not * here* in the observation ward, but the hospital you have…quite a few times actually. You've gotten hurt a few times on the job…things that were kinda outta your control happened to you.”

Sighing tiredly, Johnny said, “Oh…guess I'm kinda…kinda clumsy. I'm not hungry Roy...but thanks...and I can't…I jus' can't...sleep Roy."

"No partner, you are * not* clumsy. But why not…why can‘t you sleep Junior?" Roy softly asked.

******

Back outside, Doctor Perkins walked up from standing behind the three friends as she watched and listened, and joined the others at the observation window.

"Well, I see that Johnny's friend is making some progress."

"Yes Doctor, he is. And I must be losin' my touch."

Not knowing what Dixie was talking about, Norma turned to her and asked, "What do you mean Dix?"

"Well, usually * I* can also get through to Johnny."

Joe and Kel both looked at Dixie, but before either one could say anything, Norma spoke again

"Well Dixie, from what Kel has told me, Roy and Johnny are partners and best friends."

"Yes, that's right, they are. So?"

"So...don't think you've lost your touch. I understand that all of you are very close to both Johnny * and* Roy…but especially you Dix. You've all helped with the treatment of both of them for injuries, but Johnny's had more…you've all been there for both of them when something bad has happened to them…but there again, Johnny's gone through more than Roy.”

The three shook their heads yes, and listened as the Doctor continued.

“But even being as close to them as you are, and treating their injuries and being there for them to talk to, sometimes that's what it takes...a partner or best friend to help. And I also understand that those two men have been through hell and back with each other at times, and as bad as I hate to say this, because of that, even though you're their friends, you guys will * never* be as close to them, as they are to each other."

"Yeah, they have been through a lot together. But honestly, I don't care who did it...I'm just glad that Roy's been able to get Johnny to talk and respond, since nobody else could." Kel replied.

They then turned their attention back to the two paramedics.

******

As Johnny answered, Roy could hear the tone of his voice change...it wasn't an angry or upset tone, but more like that of a scared and frightened child, who only wanted to be protected. But he started to get upset.

"Well...you know...I close my eyes...an' I...I see 'em...I even see ‘em when…when I'm not asleep…they scare me Roy...I see ‘em an'…I can't...I can't go ta' sleep...you won't let 'em get me...an' take me…with ‘em…will ya Roy…you'll be here...ta' take care of me... please Pally, don't...don't let 'em...get me…I wanna go home…can I go home Roy?"

~~~~~~

"Seems as if Johnny's getting a little agitated." Norma said.

As Doctor Perkins became worried and started to move to go toward the door, Joe placed his hand on her arm to stop her.

"Wait a minute...don't go in yet, Roy can calm him down."

"That's right, he's done it a thousand times." Dixie said.

Norma wasn't convinced but she knew that these people were the ones that knew the two paramedics the best, so she held back from entering the room.

"Alright...but if I see that Roy can't calm him down, I'm going in. Johnny doesn't need to be upset and he may need to be sedated."

Kel turned to her and said, "No Doctor...the three of us will go in…and only if it's needed. Any sedation will done by either myself or Joe."

Doctor Perkins reluctantly agreed, as the four went back to watching the two men through the window.

~~~~~~

"Okay Johnny, just stay calm. I'm here and you know I'll take care of you…and no, you can't go home…not just yet…the Docs, they just wanna check you over and make sure everything is okay. But tell me something Junior...who are * they* ?"

Breathing hard, but trying to stay calm, Johnny said, "Mama...and Dad...Roy...they want me...want me ta' join 'em...in my dreams and when…I'm awake...they call out...ta' me... sayin' I did what I had ta' do…and wantin' me ta'...join them...Roy please...I need ta' go..."

Roy knew that his partner wasn't making much sense, so when Johnny said something about what he had done, Roy didn't think anything about it and he just tried to keep his best friend calm.

Placing his hand on Johnny's shoulder, Roy said, “Johnny…calm down and listen. You can't go…with your Mom and Dad partner.”

“But why…I need ta'…need ta' go…”

Johnny suddenly jumped off the bed and started breathing hard and pacing nervously around the room. Roy tried to calm him down.

“Johnny…come on partner, calm down and let's sit back down…come on, don't get upset, it's gonna be okay.”

As he continued to pace, Johnny shook his head, as the tears started to roll down his face. Everytime that Roy would try to get near his friend, Johnny would jerk away, as he kept his distance from Roy and kept pacing.

“How can you say…it's gonna be okay…I can't…can't go be…with Mom an' Dad…why are ya doin' this ta' me…let me go…be with ‘em…why can't I…I go…?”

Roy was finally able to get Johnny to stand still long enough to place his hands on his shoulders. Then he softly spoke to his friend.

“Junior, listen to me…your Mom an' Dad…don't you remember what happened to them?”

Looking at his friend, Johnny thought for a minute, and then said, “No…what…what happened…where are they…?”

Hesitating, not really knowing what to do, Roy looked at the window and saw Brackett slowly nod his head yes…Kel knew that Johnny had to come to terms with what had happened. Roy finally answered his partner.

Looking back at his friend, Roy replied, “Well…you do need to know. Johnny…they were…they were killed…in a car accident. Your sister, KC…she called the Station to let you know what had happened.”

Roy saw a look of disbelief on his friend's face. He saw as Johnny started breathing harder and faster.

"Killed...in a car…car accident…when…?”

Roy was afraid to answer Johnny…his friend was already upset and he was afraid that he would make it worse and push him farther over the edge. His attention was brought back to his friend, when he heard Johnny yell.

“When…tell me!”

Startled by Johnny's angry outburst, Roy took a deep breath, as he finally answered his best friend.

“It…it was a few…few weeks ago…me and the guys…we went with you to Montana when you…when you went home for…their funerals.”

Pacing again, Johnny's voice started out soft, but got louder, as he said, “No…no it…can't be…no it‘s not…not true…why are you…you're lyin'…you're lyin' ta'…why are you…no…no…not true…it can't be…no…nooooo!”

Johnny fell to his knees as he screamed and cried...as Roy stepped over to him to help him up, Gage turned on Roy, as he started hitting him, but Roy blocked the blows…he also understood…Johnny then jerked away from his partner and stood as he turned to the bed and pushed it out of the way, as he continued to scream.

"No...you're lyin' ta' me…why are ya...doin' this ta' me...I thought that…we were friends…stay away…away from me…!"

Roy slowly backed away, as he said, "No Junior, I'm not lyin' to ya. And we are friends …* best* friends and we always will be, that's why I would never lie to you about somethin' like this.”

******

“Well, it doesn't appear as if Roy can calm him down this time.“ Norma angrily and sarcastically said.

Kel and Joe quickly entered the room, with Dixie close behind them.

Going inside and closing the door, Kel said, "Roy, get over here out of the way."

Doing as Kel said, Roy nodded his head and moved back away from his best friend and partner, as he moved over and moved the bed back in place. Even though Johnny was still screaming that his parents couldn't be dead, Joe and Kel tried to calm him down.

"Johnny...Johnny...please calm down...you're gonna be okay." Kel said.

"No...did you hear 'im...did you hear what...what he said...how could he...?" Johnny angrily asked.

As Johnny continued to stand there, shaking his head and continuing to cry, Kel turned to Dixie and softly spoke to her.

"Dix, go get me 15 milligrams of Diazepam...hurry, we have to get Johnny calmed down."

"Okay Kel. But isn't that a lot?"

"Yeah, but at least I'll be sure to have enough, but I'm only gonna use what I need to in order to get him calmed down. Maybe we can get him to sleep for a while.”

Nodding her head, Dix left the room and went quickly to get the medication.

"Johnny…Johnny, come on, let's sit down and talk." Joe said.

Although Johnny liked and respected all three of the Doctors that he worked with, it was Doctor Early that he had always liked the most, so when Joe spoke to Johnny, his soft, calm tone of voice started to calm the young paramedic down.

Trying to relax, Johnny answered, and said, “No Doc…I don't wanna sit down…I gotta...gotta get outta here...please...I gotta go...to Mom an' Dad...please, help me Doc…you…you can help me…let me leave...please...I'm okay, honest…I'm fine…and Roy…he's lyin' ta' me…you know he is…I thought…I thought he was…my friend…"

Slowly walking closer to his friend, Joe felt for the young man, he knew that Johnny was confused, scared and upset. As he slowly reached out his hand, he gently touched Johnny on the shoulder…the young man didn't back away.

“Johnny…Roy already told you…he * is* your friend…your * best* friend…and you know that. You also know that he would do * anything* for you, just like you would for him. And he isn't lying, he would never, ever do that to you…he cares too much about'cha to do something like that.”

Roy also tried to keep his friend calm, as he said, “Junior, Doctor Early's right…me and you…some of the things we've been through together…we're too close for lyin' to each other…I swear, I'd never do anything to ruin our friendship…I value it * way* too much to ever risk losin' it.”

Roy saw that Johnny's breathing had become more normal, he hoped he had gotten through to his friend. As he slowly moved toward his best friend, Roy continued talking.

“You know, I don't think there's too many people in this world that…that can say that they have a friend…a * great* friend…like you…that they can talk to about anything, that wouldn't dream of judgin' them because of who they are or over something they've done…a friend that they * know* that if it came down to it, that they could trust with their life everyday…a friend that would put their * own* life on the line for ‘em and not even think twice before they did it…just like we've both done for each other. Johnny…all of us…we just wanna help.” Roy softly said to his friend.

Johnny was still relatively calm...until he suddenly saw Dixie, as she came back into the room, with a syringe. Kel caught the look on Johnny's face and in his eyes…he knew Johnny was about to lose it.

Softly speaking to Dixie, Kel said, "Dix, also get the restraints out of the cabinet over there."

Even though she hated to do it, she nodded her head and did as Kel asked. She saw the look on Roy's' face and knew that the paramedic didn't like it any better than she did.

Seeing that Johnny was starting to get upset again, speaking softly, Joe continued, and said, "Come on Johnny, don't get upset…just slow your breathing down and relax ...you're alright. Nobody would * ever* hurt you…all of us are your friends…we're family…and we're only here to help."

Johnny looked and saw as Dixie passed the needle to Doctor Brackett and watched as the Doctor slowly approached him, quietly talking to him...he looked back and forth between Brackett and Dixie, as he saw the head nurse retrieve the restraints…Gage quickly became more agitated again and started backing up.

Becoming panicked, Johnny breathlessly said, “My friends huh…and my family…and you wanna help…you expect me ta'…ta' believe that…but then you wanna stick a…a needle in me…and tie me down…is that what'cha call…helpin' me…?”

“Now Johnny, just calm down and relax…this isn't to hurt you, it'll help you…you need to rest and like Joe said, nobody is gonna hurt you.”

"No...stop tellin' me ta'…ta' calm down…it's all of you…that are gettin' me…so upset… and I don't believe you…just stay away from...from me with that...I don't need that…that kinda help…I won't let you hurt me...!"

Joe quickly turned to Roy, and said, "Roy, we're gonna need your help. He's getting upset and we have to get him calmed back down."

They saw as Johnny suddenly charged toward his friends.

Not liking it, but nodding his head in agreement, Roy quickly helped them to restrain his best friend. Johnny felt himself being grabbed and pushed down on the bed…the restraints being placed around his wrists and ankles, as he fought harder to get away. Being unable to get free, he then saw the needle, as Brackett brought it closer to his arm.

Yelling and crying, Johnny said, “No…stop hurtin' me…let me go…I don't need that…leave me alone…please...I don't know…what I did but…I'll be good…I promise I'll…I'll be good…just don't…don't hurt me… Momma…Dad…!”

"Johnny, you haven't done anything...this is just a little somethin' to help calm you down, and sleep…we aren't going to hurt you!" Brackett replied.

“Don't wanna sleep…let me go…please...!”

Even though Johnny was fighting against the restraints…and his friends that held him down, Brackett was finally able to give him the shot of Diazepam.

Johnny continued to struggle until the medication got into his system and started doing its job. Slowly, the young paramedic became drowsy, as he finally calmed down, with his muscles relaxing, his eyes slowly closed, as he fell into a deep sleep.

Seeing that their young friend was calm and sleeping, Brackett turned to Dixie and breathlessly spoke to the head nurse.

“Man…he's a fighter…Dix…get an IV goin' so we can get some…fluids into ‘im… Normal Saline…and then take his vitals…also put some O2 on ‘im.”

“Okay Kel.”

Dixie readied everything for the IV…after starting it, she got her friend on oxygen and then took Johnny's vitals. Joe and Kel had noticed that Roy had stepped away from his friend and the bed…they also noticed the look on his face. Stepping over to him, they spoke to the paramedic.

“Roy…are you okay?” Joe asked.

Still starring at his friend, Roy let out a breath before he quietly answered.

“Yeah Doc…I guess so. I just…I just can't believe that…well, that Johnny got so upset… now look at ‘im. He acted as if he didn't even remember about…his Mom and Dad. But, did you * have* to restrain ‘im?”

Roy knew the answer to that before he even got through asking the question…the answer was yes…they didn't know what Johnny might have done…to them…or himself.

“You know we didn't have a choice Roy…we don't like it any better than you do, but he was too upset and with him fighting us, we had to calm him down. You can sit with him for a while, if you want to.” Brackett said.

Going over and standing a little closer to the bed, Roy answered, and said, “Yeah Doc…I want to.”

“Kel, I've gotta go check on some other patients…I'll check back in on Johnny in a little while.“

“Okay, thanks Joe.“

With that, Joe left the room.

“Kel, his B/P is 120/85, pulse is 80 and respiration are 14.”

“Thanks Dix…at least he's resting comfortably now.”

“Yeah.” Dixie softly said.

After a moment, Roy spoke up, and asked, “So…I guess Dr. Perkins was right…huh Doc?”

Sadly looking down at the almost empty syringe he still held in his hand, Kel turned to see Doctor Perkins, still standing out in the hallway, looking through the window.

Looking back at Roy, Brackett softly said, “Yeah Roy…as much as I don't like it…I guess she was. I'll check in on Johnny a little later, he should sleep for a while.”

Roy nodded his head and as Doctor Brackett slowly walked out of the room, Roy moved over and stood right beside his friend's bed. Seeing the distraught look on her friend's face, Dixie walked over to the bed and stood by Roy, placing her hand on his shoulder and softly rubbing it, as she quietly spoke to her friend.

"Roy...Johnny's gonna be okay. With a little time and some rest he'll..."

Seeing the nurse's hesitation, Roy quietly replied, “He'll what Dix...be back ta' normal? With everything that's happened…and with the diagnosis that Doctor Perkins gave...and what * just * happened…I just don't know about that. But I hope you‘re right."

** Yeah…so do I **

“He will be Roy…I know it.”

Not being convinced, Roy softly replied, and said, “Yeah…sure he will.”

Quietly standing with her friend for a few minutes longer, Dixie finally left the room, leaving the two friends alone.

******

Finally bringing his mind back to the present, Roy looked at his watch and saw that a little over two hours had past, and he was still sitting by his friend's bed, daydreaming and worrying. When he heard Johnny start to stir, he looked down and saw that he still had his hand on Johnny's left wrist.

Leaning forward toward his friend, Roy gently squeezed Johnny wrist and said, "Johnny...relax, you're okay...everything's fine."

"R...Roy...'s'that you?"

"Yeah, it's me, I'm right here and you're fine Junior, just rest and go back ta' sleep for a little while longer if you want to. We'll talk later."

Still being sleepy and swallowing hard, Johnny said, "Wanna...talk now...I'm thirsty, can I have…some water…where am I?”

When Johnny tried to move his arms and legs and realized that he had been restrained, he started getting upset again.

Beginning to fighting against the restraints, Johnny said, “What's goin'...what's goin' on...why can't I move…why am I here…Roy…let me go…please…what did I do…I wanna go home…please Roy…get these off...I wanna leave!”

Standing up beside the bed and placing his hands on Johnny's arms, Roy tried to calm his friend down. Roy said, “Johnny, lay still and listen ta' me…you're at Rampart…and they started an IV on you...to give you some fluids, so just stay still and relax for me partner. Let me get Dixie and see about gettin' you some water. Are you hungry?"

“Yeah, a little bit.”

Slowly, Johnny finally relaxed but he still wanted to know why he was at Rampart and what had happened. As Roy started walking away from the bed, Johnny moved his wrists and legs as much as he could, then looked up at Roy and called out to him.

"Wait…why Roy...what happened…please…please tell me. Did I get hurt?"

Turning around and going back to his partner's side, Roy said, “No Junior, you didn't get hurt. You…you got upset, while we were talkin'. You're been here for…”

Roy went on to tell Johnny what all had happened, exactly where he was and the diagnosis …the young paramedic couldn't believe what had happened, and even though he was starting to get upset, he kept it together, hoping to get the restraints removed, as he softly spoke to his friend.

“How long…how long are they gonna…keep me here?”

“I dunno partner…I really don't. Let me go get'cha some water.” Roy replied.

With a nervous and scared tone in his voice, and becoming afraid that his friend wasn't coming back, Johnny quickly asked, “Roy…you are comin' back…aren't you…you're not gonna…gonna leave me here by myself, are you…and will they take these off?”

“They might…now that you've calmed down, but you've got to * stay* calm. And of course I'm comin' back partner…I'll be back in just a few minutes, just rest.”

Laying his head back on the pillow and relaxing, Johnny slightly nodded his head and replied, “Yeah…okay, just…just don't be gone too long.”

Smiling at his friend, Roy replied, “Don't worry, I won't.”

With that Roy left the room and made his way to his friends outside. Though still a little hazy from the sedation, the harsh reality hit him...if he wanted to get out…out of the restraints and out of Rampart's nuthouse, he'd have to play the game. He slightly turned his head, to watch his friends outside.

"I think he's okay, he said he's thirsty and a little hungry. Can you take those things off? He's calm, he knows what happened and where he is...please Doc."

Looking through the window at Johnny, Kel saw as the young man quickly looked away from him, but he could see that his friend did seem calm, but a little nervous, so he agreed to remove the restraints after he talked Johnny.

“Well, let me talk to him first Roy. I'll take him some water.”

As Doctor Brackett started to walk away to get Johnny's water, Roy asked, “Doc…can I go back in with you?”

“Sure you can Roy.”

When Roy and Dr. Brackett came back in, Johnny willed himself to stay calm. He drank the water when offered, and even agreed to eat lunch. Dr. Brackett agreed to take off the restraints, as long as Johnny remained calm.

Over the next few days, everything appeared to be going well in Johnny's recovery, although everyone inwardly wondered if Johnny really would recover from this. After two weeks of therapy with Dr. Perkins, Johnny was deemed well enough to be released. He agreed to keep seeing his therapist, as part of the deal to go home. He knew his life as an active paramedic was over, but the department agreed to let him teach.

After getting out of Rampart, Johnny returned home one more time to visit his parent's graves. Kneeling in front of the headstones, Johnny softly spoke, as he continually wiped away the tears. As he spoke, he felt optimistic about his future.

“Mom, Dad…don't know if the guys or the girls told you or not…but…well, my cheese slipped off my cracker, as they say about people…who go nuts…I don't guess they're gonna let me work as a…as a paramedic or a firefighter anymore…guess I can't really blame ‘em…they need people with a full deck and…people who are able to handle the daily crap and the stress that comes with the job…I loved doin' it and hate…ta' have ta' give…give it up…but, I guess I can teach…the Department is…at least givin' me that…I can show these guys, and now even some females are...startin' to do the job…never thought that would ever happen…and the girls are good…from what I've heard…they really know their stuff…but I'll show ‘em the right way to do things.”

Johnny stopped momentarily, as he again wiped his eyes…then he continued. “Ya know…the guys at the Station…the whole Department really…they've all been…a big help…without ‘em I really don't know what…I woulda done…but with the shape I'm in, although I am…I am a little better…but you two are gonna have…your hands full, watchin' out for me…but do your best huh…I'm gonna need all the…the help I can get…and since tha' last time…I was here…I really messed up…I did somethin'…that I never thought …that I'd ever do…but he made me…* he* caused me ta' do it to ‘im…he kept up…he wouldn't stop and we…we got into a fight an'…it just happened…I can't believe I…I did it…found out that he…but I didn't want to…and I'm so sorry…I miss you both…so much…and you will always be in my heart…I love you both…more than you'll ever know…and I'll be seein' ya soon…I love you…love you both…so much.”

After kneeling down at the graves a little while longer, Johnny again wiped his eyes and pushed his long hair back out of his face, as he slowly stood up and made his way back to his Rover. Getting in, he drove off…with no special place in mind to go.

******

Johnny returned to his home in Los Angeles, but during the next three months, the crew from the Station hardly ever saw or heard from him…including Roy. The very few times that Roy was able to talk or see his friend, he could see in his friend's appearance and hear in Johnny's voice, with some of the things he had said, that there was a change in his former partner, and it was a change that definitely scared and bothered him.

After Roy told the crew about his concerns, Hank did a little digging and found out that Johnny had either been missing his teaching classes at the local college, or showing up, but unfit and unprepared to teach, and they had let him go a month before. The more Johnny's friends tried to be there for him and help him, the more the he was determined to push them away. The men finally realized, sadly, that they had done all they could do.

******

The young man walked slowly and stiffly into the building, pulling his ragged coat around him, as he tried to get warm against the cool night air. Going inside and making his way down the hall, he pushed his long hair out of his eyes and face, as he looked around and saw the trash that had been thrown on the floor and the few people that had decided to crash there for the night, just sitting in the hallway…most just starring out into space and one or two that appeared to be unconscious.

** How did it ever come ta' this…how did I get here ** the young man thought to himself.

Turning and going into the first room, just inside the door, he carefully lowered himself to the floor and leaned back against the wall, resting his tired and aching body. Reaching into his right pocket and pulling out a small piece of paper and a pen, he began to write a short note, but as shaky as he was, he hoped his writing would be readable…and that somebody still cared.

To the best friend that I've ever had in this world...

After finishing the note, and knowing that his hurting meant that he needed another fix, the young man reached into his other pocket and pulled out the covered syringe that he had bought earlier in the day...he sat there, starring at it, trying to resist using again…he had even sworn to himself that today was the day that he was going to stop and get the help he knew he desperately needed... just like he had so many other times before over the last few months.

Leaning forward a bit and slowly taking off his jacket, he leaned back against the wall. Looking at the needle again…and giving in, he tied the tourniquet around his arm, slapping his arm, to make a vein stand up…what veins he had left. Finding one, he removed the cap and as the man injected the needle into his arm, his mind wandered back in time. It wasn't long ago, perhaps only a few months, that he was actually happy in life. He had a great job and great friends. As the drug took effect, the reason for his life spinning out of control became crystal clear.

The early morning hours of September 16 th …Station 51...

“Station 51, probable overdose, at The Shamrock, lower east fifth…that's The Shamrock, on lower east fifth…ambulance has been dispatched…time out, 0356.”

“Station 51 10-4, KMG365.”

Arriving on the scene and going inside the building, they heard the yell of a young man.

“Hey…come on…here, over here!“

“Where's the victim?” Captain Stanley asked.

"In here...hurry...JJ...I can't wake 'im up...and he looks…funny…please hurry. He's a great guy…'bout the only * real * friend…I got…don't let ‘em die.”

“What's your name?” Roy asked.

Hesitantly, the man replied, “Jake…Jake Morris. Please help ‘im.”

“We'll do all we can Jake.” Roy answered.

Stepping aside and letting the firemen enter the room, they quickly approached the patient, hoping to be able to help him. When they got close to the young man, the crew suddenly stopped…being surprised, they stood in disbelief at what they saw. Sitting the equipment down, they slowly made their way closer to a long dark haired, dirty looking man, lying unconscious in the room…they saw a tourniquet in place and an empty syringe in his limp hand…along with old and fresh track marks on his arm.

Kneeling down and feeling for a pulse, the paramedic found none and finally being able to peel his eyes away from the sight that lay before him, he saw a piece of folded paper sticking up out of the pocket on the young man's shirt. With a shaky hand, the paramedic slowly reached out for it and pulled it out.

Unfolding the slip of paper, he saw the shaky handwriting, and as he struggled to read it, he was finally able to make out the simple, but heart-felt sentence. Reading it aloud, he said…

To the best friend that I've ever had in this world...I'm sorry…for everything…please forgive me for lettin' you and the rest of the guys down…and for what I did…I never meant to hurt any of you…or anybody else

The End