NIGHTMARES
PART 2
BY: BARBARA D. WAYCHOFF (BLACK)
(There are some things in this part of the story that are a direct reference to another story that I wrote called ‘Turning Tables.’ It may help to be aware of what happened in that story to understand parts of this one. Thank you for your patience and I am sorry that part 2 was so long in the making.)
"Chris! Get down from there!" Roy hollered staring up in horror at Chris crawling up the steep peak of the roof.
"I’m just getting my kite, Dad! I’m being careful!" Slowly, inch-by-inch, Chris crawled toward the peak where his kite was lodged. Roy breathed a sigh of relief as Chris slid easily down to the edge of the roof, kite string firmly in hand. "Catch my kite." Chris tossed his kite down and Roy set it aside. "Now catch me." Chris smiled as he flipped over onto his stomach and dangled his legs off the roof.
"Come on, I’ve got ya." Roy took a firm hold on Chris’ legs.
"Hold on tight!" Chris said as he slipped the rest of his body off the roof. "Dad, no, wait. I’m falling!"
"No, I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall, just come on down." Roy pulled gently on his legs to encourage him to let go.
"Dad! Noooo!" Chris screamed as he tumbled off the roof and onto the pavement below. Chris lay on the driveway, a mass of broken bones and blood. "Dad, you said you had me. You said you wouldn’t let me fall." Chris’ eyes turned to glassy as his breathing stopped.
"I HAD YOU! I HAD YOU!" Roy screamed as he sat up from the bed.
"Roy, it’s all right." Dixie put her hands on his shoulders, pressing him back towards the cot. "You took a pretty good lump on the head when Johnny hit you. You’ve been unconscious for about an hour."
"I had him! He just slipped right through my hands." Roy looks around wide-eyed, hardly seeing the exam room.
"There’s really nothing you could have done. The boy was just hurt too bad." Dix tried to comfort him, staring intently into Roy’s eyes. "Joanne and the kids are in the waiting room. They’re waiting to see you."
"Chris?" Suddenly the day’s events came flooding back, the little girl, and her dead brother. Roy reached up to feel the knot at the back of his head and rubbed his sore jaw. "Johnny!"
"He hit you pretty hard." Dixie stared with concern. "What happened out there?"
"I don’t know. Maybe Johnny’s finally gone crazy." Roy swung his legs off the cot and steadied himself against the fresh wave of dizziness. "To tell the truth, Dix, I don’t really give a damn about what’s up with Johnny."
"Hey, Roy, where are you going? You took a good knock to the head and Kel thinks it would be a good idea if you stayed around for awhile."
"Home! I’m not going to sit around here." Roy barked as he stormed into the waiting room. Joanne relieved to see her husband rushed toward him with a smile. "Give me the keys, I’ll drive."
"Don’t you think you should let Joanne drive? You hit the floor pretty hard." Dix asked.
"I said I’m fine and I’ll drive." Roy glared as he snatched the keys from his stunned wife.
Johnny backs the squad into the bay, slammed the door and walked into Captain Stanley’s office. "We need a replacement for Roy." He stated matter of factly.
"Why? What’s wrong with Roy?" Hank asked with concern.
"He’s at Rampart. I finally had enough of his ‘greater than thou’ attitude." Johnny said as he turned to leave. "I punched him. Knocked him out cold."
Hank was too stunned to stop his departure. He had heard his men argue before. Hell, Johnny was a pro at getting on a last nerve, but it had never been like this. What was happening to his team?
"Rampart Emergency, Nurse McCall."
"Dix, it’s Hank Stanley. Is Roy there?"
"No, he stormed out of here AMA (Against Medical Advice) about 5 minutes ago. I was just about to call you."
"What in the hell happened? Johnny just walked in my office and said he hit him."
"I don’t know, exactly. I was in an exam room when it happened. Hold on a second and I’ll get Dr. Brackett."
Capt. Stanley’s thought whirled as he waited on hold.
"Dr. Brackett."
"Dr. Brackett, what’s going on with Roy? Johnny just got back to the station and said that he hit him. Now Dix tells me that Roy walked out AMA."
"The young boy that fell from his tree house died just about ten minutes after the ambulance brought him in. Johnny and Roy were waiting in the hall and I stepped out of the room to give them the news. There’s really nothing that they could have done. Johnny asked Roy how he was feeling, knowing that he had just killed a kid. I couldn’t believe it; I’ve never heard them talk to each other that way. Next thing I knew, Johnny hit him. Knocked him back hard and when Roy hit the floor he was knocked unconscious. He was out for a little less than an hour. When Roy woke up he just walked out. If you can find him, I’d like to have him back in here. Dix said that he left with his wife, so most likely he’s at home. All of the X-rays showed up normal, but I’d like to watch him over night."
"Thanks, Doc. I’ll see what I can do to find him. If he is still at home, I’ll have him back to the hospital as quickly as possible." Captain Stanley was even more confused now than he had been. Maybe Roy could give him some answers.
"Hey, Dix. Could you use a cup of coffee as much as I can?" Kel hung up the phone and tried to smile.
"Yes! As a matter of fact a cup of coffee might be just what the doctor ordered. Sheila, I’m going to take a break. Can you handle the desk?" Dix looked at the young nurse who was a new hire at Rampart. She was really quite pretty, she thought, and Johnny hadn’t even taken notice of her even though he had seen her several times this week. That, alone, was very strange.
"Yes, Ms. McCall."
Dixie sat at the table in the lounge while Kel brought her a cup of coffee. Dixie stared into the strong, dark brew, as if searching for answers.
"Penny for you thoughts." Kel smiled at her. "Do you have any idea what could be going on with Johnny and Roy?"
"I’ll tell ya, Kel. If this were Korea, I’d say that they were both suffering a classic case of battle fatigue."
"Ya mean a psychological reaction to the stress of being at war? That’s an interesting diagnosis."
"I didn’t say it was a diagnosis. I’ve seen this type of behavior before. Perfectly normal guys, nice kids, just losing it."
"Ya, but this LA, not Korea. Besides, neither of them have ever seen combat. I know that Roy did some time in the Army, but he never went to Viet Nam. Roy told me one time he had a state side job. And Johnny has never been in the military."
Dix stood up and walked over to the window, she stared out over the parking lot. "I know it sounds crazy, but battle stress has been recognized for years. I know that I saw a lot of weird stuff over there. There was this one kid named Tommy. It was his third trip through our MASH in 7 months. His first injury was just a minor one, some shrapnel in his leg. We patched him up and sent him back out there. He was a nice kid, from Missouri, real polite and he was so thankful to all of us for ‘fixin me up.’ The second time he came through he had taken some white phosphorus burns to his back. Luckily, they were real minor and after a week with us he was sent back to his unit. Three months later he came in again. I was the first one to get to him at triage. He was covered in blood. I thought that he was hurt real bad. I asked him where he was hit. He started yelling, "I wasn’t hit, this is Rick’s blood." He just kept yelling it over and over. We finally had to restrain him. Once we got his clothes off we found that he had taken some shrapnel to his upper thigh, nothing serious. We had a brand new surgeon, he told Tommy that it was nothing to worry about, that we’d have him back to his unit in a couple of days. Tommy just went berserk. He attacked the doctor, holding him by the neck and slamming his head into the ground. Nobody could stop him, he was just too strong. Tommy jumped off of the doctor and ran off into the storeroom. One of the guys in the unit was putting away the patient’s guns into the storage locker. Tommy shoved the guy into a wall and grabbed a .45 out of the locker. He ran back outside and started shooting randomly around the camp. Tommy and I had been pretty close, so I was stunned when he cornered me in the scrub room. He was holding me with his arm around my throat and the gun to my head. By that time the MP’s were there and a couple of the Doc’s were trying to talk him into to putting the weapon down, letting me go. Tommy kept yelling that they weren’t sending him back up there, to the fighting. He’d had enough and he wasn’t going to take anymore. Suddenly, Tommy leaned over and whispered in my ear "I’m sorry ma’am, but there’s nothing else I can do. You were always so nice to me." Next thing I heard was the gun firing, it sounded like it was right beside my ear. I thought for sure I was dead, I could feel blood running into my hair and on my face and I was falling backwards. All of a sudden I was being pulled away from Tommy. He had shot himself in the head. He just couldn’t take it anymore. I got to speak to his commander later; he told me that Tommy had become completely withdrawn from all of his friends. When Tommy came into the unit everyone adored him. He was so ‘back woods’ and innocent. He didn’t drink or swear, and he was always willing to help somebody out. After his second trip through our MASH, Tommy changed. He started drinking heavily, anything that he could get his hands on. He had gotten into a couple of fights and refused to have anything to do with his friends." Dix closed her eyes, as if seeing it all again. Kel came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulder, pulling her towards him.
"You’ve never told me that story before." Kel shook his head; he couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
"Johnny and Roy have had a rough month. Not to mention some rough times in the past. They have both been injured, repeatedly, in the line of duty. Johnny almost died after being hit by the car, there was Roy’s brush with death when the fire truck backed into him. They’ve come so close, so many times. Maybe too many times. Now, they’ve had three children die in less than two weeks. All of them needlessly. When Roy woke up, he was screaming something about Chris, like he had had a terrible nightmare. I know that LA County is technically a battlefield, but there’s some days I wonder if it isn’t just as bad."
"What about you, Dix? Do you have nightmares? You never talk about Korea, about the MASH. You hear things about the men who fought the war, but never anything about the nurse’s who helped pick up the pieces." Kel pulled he closer to him, his arms wrapped around her waist holding her back tightly against his chest. He knew no one that he respected as much as Dix; he’d seen her deal with the craziest ER without so much as blinking at the panic. He’d never really guessed at the hell she must have lived through in Korea.
"Nightmares? Ya, sometimes. Not so much anymore, just some days when the ER has been real crazy, or some kid like Tommy is brought in all torn up for no good reason." Dix smiled ruefully. "Do you see what I mean know, about John and Roy? I think that they are in trouble."
"Okay, I definitely am beginning to agree with you. Where do we start? They aren’t even talking to each other. Do we send them to a psychologist? I have a friend at the university that has been doing research with some Viet Nam vets."
"First, I think we need to get them out of the environment. Will you call Captain Stanley, see if we can get them on sick leave and bring them both in here for a check up. Maybe we can get them talking. Find out what is going on."
"Okay, I’ll give him a call right now. They aren’t going to come willingly. What about you, are you okay?"
"I’m fine. I’m just not used to talking about it." Dix slipped out of his hold and emptied her now cold coffee. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."
"Well, Dix, if your right and I think you are, you may have just done more than anyone else could."
"Joanne, this is Hank Stanley. Is Roy there?"
"Hank, I’m so glad you called. I don’t know what is going on. Roy’s out on the back porch, drinking himself into a stupor. He won’t speak to me or the kids. He won’t even tell me what happened, except that he said that Johnny was an SOB. I know that he uses that kind of language occasionally at work, but he’s never done it in front of the kids. These last few days he’s been acting crazy, not coming to bed until real late, prowling the house and I think that he’s been having bad dreams."
"Joanne, Dr. Brackett wants Roy back in at the hospital. They want to observe him overnight because of the head injury. Do you think he would let you take him?"
"He won’t even talk to me, except to ask for another beer." Joanne was near the point of tears.
"Okay, I’ll find a way to get him back in there. For now, just keep and eye on him. I’m gonna call Dr. Brackett back and let him know what’s going on."
"Thanks, Hank. We’ll be here."
Hank Stanley had called Roy DeSoto a good friend for a long time. He had never known Roy to treat his family like that. All he ever wanted to do on his days off was spend time with the kids. Joanne usually had to force him to go out and spend the occasional long weekend fishing or camping with ‘the guys.’ Just as he was reaching for the phone, it rang.
"Station 51, Captain Stanley."
"Hank, this is Kel Brackett."
"Dr. Brackett, I just talked to Joanne DeSoto. Roy’s there, he’s drinking pretty heavily and he’s been acting strangely lately. I’ve noticed some things here at the station, but I don’t know what to do anymore."
"What sort of things, Hank?"
"Both John and Roy have been getting up in the middle of the night. John has hardly been eating, and he normally packs the food away. Of course, the two of them aren’t even on speaking terms. Then there was John’s knock out punch, today. Roy even came in late this morning, in all the years I’ve known him he’s never been late."
"There’s a strong possibility that both John and Roy are suffering from a type of Battle Fatigue. Dix McCall was the one who saw it first. After what she has told me I think it would be best if we got them both in here for checkups and some evaluation."
"Battle Fatigue? I’m not sure I see what you mean, but if you need them into the hospital I’ll get them there. I don’t think they will be to eager."
"I have a colleague that works in the psychology department at the university. He’s coming down here tomorrow afternoon to meet with them. I’d definitely like to have Roy here overnight, Johnny too if possible. With what I saw today, they are both a pair of loaded guns just waiting to go off."
"I agree with you there. I’ll have them both down there as quickly as possible." Hank shook his head. This was not going to be easy. "Thanks, Doc."
"No problem. We’ll see you in a bit."
Hank walked into the kitchen where Johnny sat drinking a cup of coffee and staring at the TV. Once again, the media was re-hashing the trench collapse, this time showing pictures of the children’s funeral. Johnny stood up and walked over to the TV. Suddenly he through his coffee cup with such force that it shattered the television screen. "I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing about that! Why can’t they just leave it the hell alone!!"
"John, hey, man, it’s okay." Chet stood up to unplug the TV while Marco grabbed a fire extinguisher.
"No, it’s not okay, Chet." Johnny shoved him while walking out of the kitchen. "As long as each and every accident is relived on TV it will never be okay. Somebody needs to stop the media and put an end to their ambulance chasing."
"Johnny, I need to see you in my
office." Hank stepped forward to stop Johnny’s exit.
"Not now, Cap. I’m not in the mood."
"It’s not about you being in the mood, Gage. I said now." Hank was trying to be gentle, but he was at a total loss in how to deal with this problem.
"Cap, I said I don’t feel like it."
"I don’t care if you feel like it or not. I SAID NOW."
"And I said, screw off, Cap." Johnny pushed passed him and headed out the back door. The room was completely silent as the stunned firemen stared at Captain Stanley.
"Hey, Cap." Chet’s voice
stopped Captain Stanley from following. "Why don’t you
let me go talk to him?"
"Chet, this is not the time for any of your antics."
"No antics, Cap. John is my friend; I
know that we don’t always act like it. I’ve never seen
him act this way, I’d like to try."
"All right, pal." Hank was stunned by the concern in
Chet’s face and the sincerity in his voice. Maybe a Captain
was not what John needed right now. "Listen, Dr. Brackett
wants both John and Roy to come into Rampart. They think that the
kids’ dying has something to do with this behavior. I don’t
pretend to understand it, but we need to talk him into going in."
"I’ll give it a shot."
Chet walked out the back door. He knew where Johnny was going. Johnny always climbed to the top of the hose tower when things were bad.
"John, you up there."
"Get lost, Chet. I don’t want to see anyone right now, least of all you."
Chet climbed slowly up the tower and stood on the top step.
"I know you don’t want to see me right now and I’m not here to hassle you. I just think you could use a friend."
"Ya, a friend. That’s what you get for thinking. All I need right now is a one way ticket out of here."
"Listen, John. I wanted to ask you something about the other night. I woke up and I heard you. You were rolling around in the bunk and then you started to cry. It sounded like a pretty bad dream you were having. Then I heard you get up and go into the bathroom, you were barfing pretty good."
"Ya, well, remember that girl you were talking about. I dreamed that you were in bed with her. That’s enough to make anyone vomit."
"John, I’m not trying to be funny." Chet climbed on the platform and since there was not protest, he sat down next to him. "I know that your hurting, what I don’t know is why?"
"Come of it, Chet. You were there today, Roy let that kid die."
"I’m afraid I don’t know what to tell you there. I’m not a Paramedic and I wouldn’t want to be. You guys make life and death decisions every day. You don’t even think about it, somehow you just know what to do. To me it’s sort of like deciding whether to use a stream or spray on a fire. I can look at the fire and know. And if I’m wrong, I just change it. You have to be right the first time, and you always are. I hate to admit it, but I get jealous sometimes. You’re so damn smart. I’ll probably be a hose jockey for the rest of my life, and I’ll be happy doing it. But you can do anything, be anything."
"You get jealous of me? Why? It seems like I spend most of my time re-running calls in my head, like instant replay. Especially the last few days, I just know we could have done something different. Something to keep those kids from dying. Hell, there’s a lot of days when I wish I was back to being a hose jockey like you. Then, at least, I could sleep at night."
"You know, all the guys have been half scared to death. The way you and Roy have been at each other."
"It’s been rough. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I used to love my job, now I just want to go away. Home, maybe, ya know. Back to the mountains, try to find my center again."
"I think that sounds like a good idea. When was the last time you were home?"
"Too long, man. There’s just
something about those mountains. I know that you think all that
Indian stuff is a bunch of crap…"
"No, that’s just something to hassle you about,
actually. I saw this movie on TV one night about this Sun Dance
and ceremonial stuff. It was pretty cool. You have a place to go
where your family has lived for centuries. My folks have a cheesy
flat in a lousy neighborhood. That’s something to be proud
of."
"Dr. Brackett called earlier. That’s what Cap was coming to tell you about. He wants you and Roy down at the hospital. Cap’s already callin in the replacements."
"What’s Brackett want, is Roy okay?"
"Ya, I mean, I’m sure he is. It’s something about the last few days. Cap didn’t tell me anything."
"Maybe they think I’ve finally gone crazy. I’d agree with them. I can’t believe I punched Roy. I’m the Godfather to his kids, they’re like the family I don’t have. I don’t want to lose that, but I’m afraid it’s too late."
"I don’t think it’s ever too late. Roy’s having a lot of problems too."
"He is?"
"Sure, didn’t you notice how much that little girl in the trench collapse looked like Jen? I saw Roy, when he was coverin’ her up. He brushed the hair out of her eyes and I thought he was gonna break down and cry right there."
"He never told me that. I didn’t get a good look at her." The idea that Roy might have thought about Jen was finally hitting him. "What if that had been his little girl? I don’t know how he would bear it. He lives for those kids."
"I think Roy’s been having nightmares too."
"I know that I have." Suddenly everything in Johnny broke and he started to clutch his stomach as if in pain. The words began to fall out of him like a dam that had shattered. "God, Chet. I’ve been having such terrible dreams. I dreamed that I was at Roy’s and the ground opened up and started swallowing them. I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t save them. Roy was begging me to save the kids and Joanne. When I couldn’t it was all my fault. There’s always these faces and these voices. Little kids covered with mud and broken up. I can’t stop any of it." Johnny started to sob and convulse with his confessions. "I spent my entire two days off drinking. Trying to get rid of the pictures. But they were there, on TV, newspapers or in my head. Then today, we had a chance to save that kid, and Roy wouldn’t break the rules. He was right, I know he was right. We had to wait, but it just wasn’t fair. Now I just keep seeing his sister, begging me not to let her brother die."
Chet leaned over and put his arm around John. "Dr. Brackett wants you guys to come into the hospital. Please, John. Come down and go in with me. I’ll drive ya."
"I don’t know, what if I am crazy."
"Hey, I know crazy and your not. Remember how bad off I was after I almost killed Roy. I just wanted to die. I never told anybody this, but I thought about it. I have this gun. I sat on my bed that night, feelin’ so bad over what I did to Roy. I loaded it and I actually put it in my mouth. I couldn’t do it, so I put it back in the box and I went out and got really drunk."
"What stopped you?" Johnny knew how bad Chet felt, he felt just as guilty. He never knew that Chet could feel so much, take things so deeply to heart.
"Hope, man. I just had to keep hoping that Roy would be okay. That you guys could forgive me. I guess I knew I still had things to do in life, that my dying wouldn’t help Roy. Besides, I still had a job to do, hose to pull. Ya know, somebody has to do it." Chet smiled. "I’m sure they can help ya, you’re not crazy. Besides anybody can pull lines, you and Roy, what you do is special."
"Ya, somebody’s gotta do it." Johnny stood up. "Let’s go. I know that Cap’s gonna make me go anyway."
They climbed down the ladder and went back into the station. Chet went to the locker to get his car keys while Johnny went to talk to Captain Stanley.
"Hey, Cap." Johnny knocked at the door and stepped inside. "I’m sorry about what I said. Chet said they wanted to see Roy and me at the hospital."
"Roy’s on his way now. Dr. Brackett is bringing in a psychiatrist to talk to you guys. You’ve been through a lot, he thinks it will help."
"Maybe." Johnny shrugged. "Chet’s gonna drive me if that’s okay, we talked and it helped, a lot."
"No problem, pal. The replacements are already in the kitchen. We’re all behind you, ya know." Hank put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder.
"I know, thanks Cap."
Johnny left the office and rode to the hospital with Chet. Neither man said anything but enjoyed that special silence that only comes from understanding. Chet pulled up to the ER entrance and stopped.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" Chet asked.
"No, Roy’s already here and I think everything is gonna be all right now." Johnny opened the door and climbed out of the car. He leaned back through the open window. "Hey, Chet. Thanks man."
"Hey, any time. We’ve all gotta stick together. Besides, if I lost you I’d have to break in another pigeon."
Johnny smiled, gave two thumps on the car door, and went inside.
THE END
Author’s note: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was not widely recognized among Fire and EMS personnel until the late 1980’s. When I took my first EMS training in 1986 my book didn’t even mention psychological reactions to stress. Occasionally you would hear about somebody who had suffered ‘burnout.’ Unfortunately, incidents like Oklahoma City and Columbine have truly brought this into the forefront by exposing rescue personnel to combat type situations. This story is dedicated to all of us who put our lives and hearts on the line everyday. May we always remember that our strength is in our unity and the ability to talk to one another.
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