Joanne popped in a cassette on the new player Roy had given her for her birthday. She began to wash the dishes and sing with the music. The kids were visiting at neighbor’s houses and she expected Roy to come home any minute. In fact, he was late but she figured there was a last minute call that was probably causing him to delay ending his shift. She finished the dishes and started some wash. As she folded clothes in the living room, she thought about how they were planning on spending the next couple of days. The reservations were in for a camping trip in to Yosemite. They were planning to take a couple of hikes in the park

Everything should work out great. Johnny will take the kids for us some of the time so that Roy and I can be alone a bit. Joanne laughed, remembering how Johnny had blushed when she told him her ulterior motives for having him join them for this short vacation. How he can be so shy about us and talk so big about his dates just totally amazes me. Joanne walked into the kitchen and made one last check that all the food was ready to be piled into the coolers and just added to the equipment she and the kids had loaded into the station wagon last night. Now, we just wait on the guys.

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An hour later, Joanne was dusting the already spotless furniture in the living room, trying to not keep looking out the window waiting for any familiar vehicles. All right Roy. This is it! I hate having to wait on you. I don’t mind the 24 hour shifts. It’s the 27 or 30 hour shifts that drive me batty. She knew she was being unreasonable but she knew what the next step of this routine would be. She peeked out the window again and saw Chris and Jenny coming down the block together. See, Roy. Two teenagers can get here on time. Why can’t you? She watched her kids proudly, noticing how tall Chris was and how pretty Jenny was. Her curiosity was piqued when they stopped and appeared to speak for a minute. Jenny looks upset. What did Chris say? He has his arm around her? The two kids normally fought like cats and dogs. Joanne’s stomach knotted up. Chris turned from speaking to Jenny and looked up, catching Joanne’s eyes. Oh my gosh. Something’s wrong. What could have happened? They haven’t been anywhere for anything to have happened. Chris looked back at Jenny, who looked up and seeing her mother, ran for the front door, tears beginning to flow. Joanne met her and gathered her in her arms. Joanne looked over her daughter’s head at Chris who looked over and saw that the television was not on.

“Mom?” Oh no. He looks just like his dad when he has something to say that he knows will upset me. Roy! Get home NOW! I don’t think I can handle this one on my own. Joanne made one last furtive glance down the street, willing Roy’s convertible to be there. Of course not. She took a deep breath and, pulling her daughter into the room with her, closed the front door behind her son. Chris stood and looked at the ground as if trying to find strength there. Joanne reached one hand to his chin and forced his head up to look at her.

“Go ahead Chris. Tell me whatever it is. We’ll get through it together, you know that.” I willed myself to remember to keep calm. I hope I can keep either of them from noticing my trembling.

Chris walked over to the television and turned it on. My world went on hold.

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Have you ever wondered why they tell you so much about an accident victim that you are sure that their family must know who it is and yet the press says they can’t give out any names until the next of kin is notified? I hate that phrase. If you call the station, they refuse to tell you if they even know the names. I hate news bulletins. The fire has been on every station. The coverage they have shows a lot of vehicles. I see squads’ numbers and mentally fill in names of men I know are working there. I keep looking to see if I see the one set of numbers I need to see before I can know where my life is. Come on, show more of the vehicles. Get your camera over…….Damn! There it is! Chris and Jen must have seen it also. If I wasn’t numb already, their hands would be crushing mine. Please God. Keep Roy safe. Look after Johnny. I glance at the phone. If you ring, please let it be my husband’s voice. Don’t be Hank’s or someone I don’t know. A reporter starts to say something. I listen intently. Four casualties and numerous injured. A refinery fire. Roy and Johnny have talked about the worst fires to be at. They thought I didn’t hear but I did. This was one of their worst fears.

A car door slams on the street. “Mom, Mrs. Stanley is here.” I watch as Emily comes through and we hug. I can tell by looking that she knows no more than I do. We wait, we listen, we pray. Chris is up, pacing the floor. He looks so like his dad. I know even though both my men try to keep it from me that within the next eighteen months it won’t be just my husband I worry about. Chris hides firefighting manuals from me just like other teens hide their Playboys. I look at Jenny and know that she may be the third DeSoto to apply. Do they know what this will do to me? God, please. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I should be able to plan 4 day vacations without any hitches. I should know that my fiftieth, fortieth, even my twenty-fifth anniversary will be celebrated. What did that reporter say? Ambulances are leaving now with injured rescue personnel. Okay. Roy should be able to call. He better have gotten on that ambulance to ride along with the injured. I better be his first call. Should I call Dixie? She’d know, right? Can’t. I know I can’t. Rampart is probably full. I can’t wait. I look at Emily and she nods. Emily speaks, “If we get there now, we can help the victim’s families.” She won’t admit that we could be the victim’s families. We leave the kids and race to the hospital.

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“Dixie!” Miraculously, she’s the first person I see as we head down the halls to the ER. What does that look mean? Was that concern for all the people at the fire or for me - Roy DeSoto’s family? Those last steps seem to take forever.

“Joanne. What are you doing here? Did someone call?” I shook my head. I try to catch my breath but it has escaped me. Emily thankfully spoke for us.
“We couldn’t sit at home anymore. We figured here we could help with the families.”
I watched Dixie. My knees buckled. I tried, really, but I sank to the floor, grabbing for Dixie as she grabbed for me.
“Joanne. We were just going to call. Roy came in with the first ambulances. He’s on his way to surgery. Let’s go to the doctor’s lounge.” I allowed Emily and Dixie to take me to the lounge. The only thing going through my mind now is memories.

I see Roy standing at the altar waiting for me. He is so handsome. We’re so young, but life is waiting for us and the little bundle of joy hiding under my mother’s virginal white wedding dress. I remember how nervous he was when we told my parents that I was pregnant one week after the wedding. He was sure my dad would find a shotgun and make us get married again. The look on his face when I told him my water had broke. I never saw anyone’s face go quite so pale. Yet, he managed to get me to the hospital without any mishaps. The amazement on his face when he first saw Chris, then Jennifer. The love in his eyes as he thanked me for having his children. The desire in those same eyes our first times we made love after their births. How proud he is of our children when he brags of them to our friends. The sadness when his mother died. The anger during our first argument. The desperation after his friend died and he knew that he could have been saved if treated earlier. The passion as he lobbied for the paramedic program. The laughter when he’d tell me about Johnny and the Phantom. Will I see the life in those eyes again?

A tap on my shoulder brings me back to the lounge. Dr. Brackett tells me the thankfully short list of Roy’s injuries. I listen waiting for the bottom line. There! Everything went well and his prognosis is great. I stop and say a quick prayer of thanks before I go to the ICU.