Incident Report
by
Paramedic: Roy DeSoto
Time: 2:30 a.m.
Location: Station 51…er Tri-Delta House of UCLA.
Squad 51 responded to a call of woman injured from Tri-Delta house at approximately 9:18 p.m. Yes, I know it's 2:30 now, but I just woke up and remembered I had to do the report on this.
John Gage and myself arrived at approximately 9:18 to find our patient at the bottom of the stairs in her underwear. She was 19 years old, approximately 5'8" and 128 pounds. Blonde hair and blue eyes with a cute little button nose and built like a brick…never mind.
Okay…I've got to focus. She had tripped and fallen down the stairs resulting in a broken arm and possible broken leg. Johnny insisted on splinting the leg and I had to keep an eye on him to make sure he wasn't feeling her up. I don't know why he insisted on splinting the leg. It was maybe a hairline fracture at worst. It was the arm that was really bad. I think he just wanted a quick feel.
I wonder if I really should have pulled him away by the ear like I did. It
wasn’t very professional I know, but put him in front of a cute girl and well…he's
just hopeless. Of course, she WAS really hot. If I hadn't been married, I might
have offered to splint the leg. I mean I'm married, not dead and she WAS really
cute.
Okay…I think I'm a little more tired than I thought. I've never been one to
write reports at the last minute. And certainly not at 2:30 in the morning.
But it was just such a ridiculous evening I hadn't had a chance to remember.
I mean after the sorority house, there was the fire and accident and kitten
up a tree. Okay, so it was an escaped jaguar from the zoo, but it WAS just a
kitten and it WAS up a tree. Man, I thought Johnny was going to soil himself!
I think that's the result of his little escapade in the lion's cage at the zoo
last month. He just kept pointing to the animal in the tree and murmuring something
about 'nice kitty' and 'please don't eat me' (although I think he removed the
word 'don't' from the sentence when he was treating the sorority chick…patient).
Sorority house…that's what I was writing about. We called Rampart and advised of vitals…well, I called. Johnny flirted. I kept having to smack him upside the head to get him to concentrate. Rampart advised 10 mg of MS if needed, splint and transport. We could do all but transport. I suppose we could've stuck her between us in the squad or maybe shoved her in the equipment compartment but that's not very professional I suppose. Might have been interesting to see if she'd fit. I think she'd be flexible enough. Might be fun to find out. Wonder if Joanne would fit? She could be flexible enough if she put her mind to it. She was in a sorority in college…don't remember which one. Might have had a delta in it. Don't know, but damn was she cute! And I remember she used to do this one thing with her index finger that…oh wait…sorority house call, that's what I was writing about. What the hell time is it? 2:43? Damn, I must be more tired than I thought.
So we sat and waited for the ambulance and the co-eds threw themselves at Johnny. That boy gets all the luck. I had the house mother throwing herself at me. Built like a brick she was. Absolutely square. I've never seen a woman that large who was still ambulatory. It was times like this that I wish I could wear my wedding ring to work but Joanne nearly killed me when I ruined my first one during a particularly messy rescue. Why she insisted we renew our vows just so I could replace my ring is beyond me. Just the plain ring would've been cheaper. Although Johnny was my best man and he was so nervous…it was so funny…I wish I had a home movie of him freaking out over where the rings were. I told him to put them somewhere he'd remember them. Of course, he did and promptly forgot where he put them. We ended up with mood rings from the five-and-dime next door to the banquet hall. Johnny finally found our rings in his back pocket two hours later.
As soon as the ambulance arrived, the girls all trouped out behind the stretcher - all in their underwear and nighties. I swear, if Jennifer ever goes out in public like that, I WILL let her brother beat the hell outta her.
For the sake of the young patient's virtue, I rode in with her and Johnny took the squad in…nearly had to punch him out to get him to agree. I mean she was cute, but I didn't think she was all that. It didn't matter in the end, Johnny found a cute nurse to harass. I assisted in the examining room until Morton threw me out. We bugged Dixie for a cup of coffee before heading back to the station. We arrived back at Station 51 at approximately 10:23.
Roy, I'm returning this report to you to rewrite. I doubt you REALLY want to send this one to the chief. Next time, do what your partner does when he forgets to do a report: wake up and do it at 6:30 before you go home.
Sincerely, Captain Stanley.