The Curse of McConnikee’s Hat
There was an old adage in the Los Angles County Fire Department about firefighter Ed McConnikee: "Never turn your back on the Great McConnikee, you might not live to regret it," McConnikee relished it. His antics in the L.A.Co.F.D. were legendary to those who had served with him. He prided himself on being the absolute best practical joker in the state of California. Almost everyone he had served with had been a victim at least once. The saying had been attached to the genius fire fighter from early in his career, and McConnikee enjoyed the notoriety.
His captain had warned him as he came up for promotion in the higher ranks, the "joker" needed a vacation. McConnikee loved fire fighting more than anything on earth, some said even more than his wife. He would never do anything to jeopardize his job, or lose the camaraderie of the boys, besides they made great sitting ducks for his pastime.
He had longed for a permanent assignment in the department. He had held the rank of captain for the last year, but unfortunately, no stations were yet available for him to take, so he’d been stuck with a desk job for the last 8 months. It was enough to drive him over the edge, but he had been assured a station when the next set of retirements came up. His dream finally came true in the summer of 1968. He was given command of Station 17.
"What a great number." he thought as the chief handed him his assignment and shook his hand.
The chief congratulated him, and then whispered closely to his ear, "We’re expecting great things from you, Ed. Don’t let us down. And try not to kill any of the guys in your ranks with those stupid practical jokes of yours."
Ed had been out of the loop a little too long, and was anxious to stir up some trouble. However, he had to remember he was in a position of authority, and couldn’t clown around like he used to. He longed for one more chance to use his finely honed skills and knowledgeable expertise just one more time on men who could appreciate it: such as the giant snowball in the engine bay, the cherry bomb in the toilet, or the ping-pong balls in his colleagues’ gas tanks.
The office personnel just didn’t value the "joking" side of McConnikee. The secretary to the chief had been a victim several times. The first time, McConnikee hit her with a glitter bomb rigged to her desk drawer.
"Ed!" she hollered, "why don’t you go back to your home planet." Betty had forgiven him for that one, but the chief called her the ‘glitter queen’ for three months.
The ultimate trick was the exploding salt shaker. She was eating at her desk when it went off. "McConnikee!!!" rang through the halls.
"What’s the matter, Betty? " Ed feigned pure innocence.
Betty unleashed a string of expletives that made even the chief blush. McConnikee waited until she was done, and asked, "Betty, would you like any pepper?" Betty never quite recovered from that incident. She began talking to herself, and refused sit at her desk until someone had checked it first. Not long after, she transferred to another department.
The secretary was always an easy mark, but it just wasn’t the same for Ed.
Station 17 had a reputation for shenanigans of their own. The day before he took command, he invited Captain Dick Hammer out for coffee.
"Tell me about my men." McConnikee solicited
"Well, you’re going to get Lee Martinez. He’s a bit of a dare-devil." Hammer warned, "just keep a tight reign on him, and you’ll do fine."
"Anything else I should know about him?" Ed inquired.
"He made Captain Hookrader madder than a hornet." Dick offered. This bit of information was a gem, Ed McConnikee perked up his ears to hear every detail.
"That’s not too hard, is it? What did he do?"
"He called up the Riverview Mortuary. Told them to come pick up a body by the name of Hookrader." reported Hammer.
McConnikee began to laugh, "Oh, I wish I’d been a fly on that wall."
"Oh, it gets better, Hookrader spent over an hour trying convince them that he wasn’t dead, and he wasn’t going to go downtown with them."
McConnikee broke out into hysterical laughter. He had a mental image of the crusty, old Hookrader arguing with the ghoulish undertaker.
His laughter finally died down enough to get the next question out, "Is he the only one I have to worry about?"
"Oh, Ed! He’s the least of your worries. Sam Cooper is probably the worst. He is an artist with the firehose." explained Captain Hammer
"What on earth do you mean?"
"He goes after civilians."
This piece of information actually scared McConnikee, "You have got to be kidding."
"No I’m not." Captain Hammer continued with awe, "He can angle that hose perfectly so that it appears to be raining on just the victim. I saw him do it once. All the other guys usually run for the windows to watch the victims reaction."
"That’s incredible! I think I’d like to see that." said an enthusiastic McConnikee.
"Definitely! The pretty girls are the best." Captain Hammer said with a smile.
"Anything else?"
"Just be prepared. Watch out for buttered toilet seats, popcorn doorways, and the occasional stink bomb." Captain Hammer forewarned.
"Sounds like a plan." McConnikee said, gearing himself up for his command.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McConnikee was sure he could find some unsuspecting fireman that would be the perfect victim in his plan, and a group of men who would appreciate the work that went into the plan used against their colleague.
As he took command of Station 17 early on May 6, 1968, he found a group of downhearted, melancholy men standing in his ranks.
"Now wait just a darn minute here." thought McConnikee. "This can’t be the same group of men, I have heard so much about." Captain Hammer had filled his ear about these guys. Each one had a personality that reflected a fun-loving, capable fireman, which when mixed with the others gave this station the spice it needed to be the best in the county. Unfortunately, for McConnikee, it seemed these men were even more lifeless than the people in the office. "Oh, well, I guess time will tell, if these guys can take a joke. Once, I see what they’re made of, they’re going to get a lesson in humor at their own expense." he thought to himself. As Captain Bilbray introduced each member of his team, McConnikee was busy trying to remember what he had heard about each one of them.
"These are your rescue men, Cap. This is Lee Martinez and Jeff Carroll. "
"Glad to know you."
"Nice to meet you."
Ed shook each of their hands in turn. Lee was older than Jeff. He seemed to remember seeing a commendation in Lee’s record, but also a few warnings. Jeff appeared to be fresh out of the academy, but McConnikee was aware that all his guys had at least five years of experience under their belts. Ed would have pegged Jeff for the swinging single of the station, but in his record he had noted that Jeff was married with one son.
"This is Byron Jacobs. He’s on the engine, and probably the best cook in the state."
"I do my best." Byron said with a smile.
McConnikee immediately liked this young man. "Can’t wait to get a taste. What’s your specialty?" he asked as he shook Byron’s hand.
Byron thought for about a minute, then replied, "Calamari."
"Oh..." McConnikee hesitantly replied, "that sounds..um...interesting." His eyes reflected the utter distaste he had for the food.
"Cap, I can make anything you like, that’s just my specialty item." Byron tried to smooth over.
McConnikee realizing his mistake of allowing his emotions to show; tried to cover it by straightening his back and using a more brusque tone of voice. "Whatever you make will be fine." he said as he moved on.
Byron turned to Jeff and Lee and raised his eyebrows. "Oh brother are we in trouble." he thought to himself.
Captain Bilbray continued, "This is Sam Cooper, he’s been at this station the longest. He really knows his way around the neighborhood."
"Glad to meet you." Ed said as he shook hands with the man in front of him.
McConnikee walked over to the last man. The man towered over him in height, but seemed to be calm and easygoing.
This is Hank Stanley." said Captain Bilbray. "He’ll be your engineer, probably the best in the business."
"Nice to meet you, Hank." Ed replied.
Captain McConnikee stepped away from the group. He looked over at Captain Bilbray. "Thanks Joe, I appreciate the introductions. I guess I’ll let get you home now, and get some rest."
"Any time, Ed. Let me know how it goes." Captain Joe Bilbray turned and walked out the door.
Ed turned back to his men. He was a tad bit nervous, and he compensated for it by putting on his most serious stare. "I look forward to serving with you men. I’ve heard a lot about you. I don’t know if you have heard any rumors about me, but let me assure you if you have, they are all true. As long, as we all do our jobs and get along, we shouldn’t have any problems." with that statement made, McConnikee turned on his heel and walked toward the office. As he walked toward the door, relief washed through his mind. "The hardest part is over." he thought. His Irish eyes twinkled and his sense of humor overtook him. He looked back at his men who were still frozen in place, "If we do...have any problems... I can’t kill ya, so I’ll have to be creative." He flashed a devilish smile at his men and said "dismissed" in a loud, authoritative voice.
The men waited until they were sure he was gone. Then, they started to relax.
"Welcome to the Army." Sam said with resignation. "Let’s face it guys, being human is a thing of the past."
"He doesn’t look that bad." offered Jeff.
"Then, you can have my turn when its time to cook." said Byron.
"Hank, what do you think?" asked Sam.
"I’m trying not to, Pal." replied Hank.
"Oh, you mean your usual line of thinking." replied Lee.
"Very funny, ya big twit." Hank said as he took a swipe at his fellow firefighter.
McConnikee was beginning to feel he had misjudged this crew. They weren’t any fun at all. He tried cracking jokes, picking on their cooking, and generally giving them a hard time, but nothing seemed to work. He sensed a great deal of tension every time he walked into a room. The guys would be animatedly talking, and then complete silence when he walked in the door. Weeks passed, and morale at the station continued to drop.
"What is going on here." was all that Ed could think. "I’m going to get to the bottom of this right now. " he told himself. With that he marched to his office and picked up the phone. He thought about calling their old captain and asking for some advice, but if that ever got out he’d be hung out to dry in the department. He decided instead to call his old friend Captain Maxwell.
"Why are they acting this way, Max?" McConnikee questioned.
"Well, Ed, you have quite a reputation in the department. Did you ever stop to think about that?" answered his old friend.
"What reputation?" McConnikee snorted.
"Oh, Ed, you know that old saying about ‘never turn your back on the Great McConnikee, you might not live to regret it.’ If those guys took that out of context, they probably think you have some kind of God-complex."
Ed begin to laugh uproariously.
"Ed.... Ed. You need to get a grip on yourself." Maxwell chastised.
Once, McConnikee was able to get the bouts of laughter under control, he became very quiet.
"Ed, are you still there?" questioned Maxwell.
"Yea....yea, I’m still here. Listen Max, thanks for your help. I gotta go." Ed said in a tentative voice.
"Well listen Ed, I don’t know if I helped or not, but good luck. Bye."
"Bye." Ed uttered, deep in thought.
Max was right. If those guys had heard that little saying, and with all that he’d said and done over the past few weeks, his crew probably lived in fear of him. This explained everything. The question, now, was what to do about it. Hmmm... he’d have to think on that one for a while.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
McConnikee was planning something big. He was masterminding the greatest practical joke of all time to get these boring hose-jockeys. He knew anything to get these guys to show some emotion toward him was better than nothing, but it would have to wait until after Tuesday. McConnikee had been called a lot of names in his time, but never "stupid." He wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that pure professionalism he was getting from his men right now until that inspection was over.
Captain McConnikee called his men together for roll call and went over the duty assignments. He thought it might be nice to add a little flair to today’s mind-numbing routine.
"Byron, you’ll be our chef today. Let’s try to think of something a little more creative and a lot less burnt than Lee’s casserole."
"You got it, Cap!" Byron answered.
"Lee, I hate to tell you this, but the latrine is all yours."
Lee rolled his eyes and replied cynically, "Gee, thanks Cap. I really appreciate it."
"I knew you would, Lee" McConnikee answered with a glint in his eye.
"Sam and Jeff, I need you guys to hang that last 300 feet of hose out back, and Hank, you’ve got the dorm. Before we start our daily chores, I have a few announcements to make from HQ. I have a captain’s meeting coming up, so I will only be here for a partial shift on Tuesday. Captain Bilbray will be here until I return."
Every man in the line was thrilled with this news. Each one glanced excitedly at his neighbor. There was also one unidentifiable "YES!" whispered under someone’s breath. Captain McConnikee took a moment to look up at the crew, and then went back to his tablet.
"Next week , a new trainee will be assigned to us, a guy by the name of Belliveau. I’d like you guys to loosen up a little and make him feel welcome. Let’s not plan any initiations that might maim him in any way."
McConnikee took a deep breathe, then continued , "The last item on my agenda is the upcoming inspection. The chief and his cronies are planning to walk through the station for a spot check on Tuesday afternoon." The men began to complain loudly to one another and shifted in their positions. The captain continued as if he hadn’t heard anything, "I expect everything to be in tip-top shape when they get here. This will be my first evaluation, and I’d like to make a good impression on them, but then you guys know all about that don’t you?" Each man gave the captain an apprehensive nod of approval to his question.
" Any questions?" McConnikee closed his tablet, and smiled at his men. There was silence in the ranks, so McConnikee concluded a little more cheerfully, "O.K. guys, lets get to work."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
On Tuesday morning, Captain McConnikee was there bright and early to conduct roll-call. He didn’t have to come in, but he wanted to make sure everything was in order for the inspection that afternoon. The guys were somewhat surprised to see him, since Captain Bilbray was already there. However, they expected nothing less of the hard-nosed McConnikee.
The crew lined up for roll-call, and Captain McConnikee gave them their orders. The brusque voice of their captain went through all the chores of the day.
"Hank, you’re the cook; Byron, you’ve got the dorm; Sam, the dining hall. Lee, let’s mop these floors, and Jeff, straighten up the break room. I like to see this place spic and span when I get back. The guys rolled their eyes and a few groans could heard coming from the ranks.
"Hey Cap," Hank spoke up, "you forgot about the latrine." The guys reacted with more groans and some ugly looks directed at Hank.
McConnikee never missed a beat, "Gee thanks for volunteering Stanley."
Now, the guys were snickering quietly in line. McConnikee caught them smirking in Stanley’s direction, and added, "While Hank’s in the bathroom, why don’t you men add another coat of polish to those vehicles in the bay.
The captain took a deep breathe and continued, "The chief will be here around 4:30. I’m counting on you." The stress in the captain’s voice became more evident. "I’ll see you guys later." With a hasty good-bye, McConnikee was out the door.
The guys watched McConnikee hurry out to his car, and argue with the handle on his car door. Byron was the first to speak, "He seems really nervous."
"Maybe he is just a normal person." Jeff suggested as they watched McConnikee’s car drive down the road.
Captain Bilbray was quick to answer, "I’ve heard McConnikee described a lot of ways, but normal isn’t one of them." He looked at the men with an apologetic look. "I guess you guys need to get busy.
The guys’ reactions were just a bit different. They knew they had a long day of work in front of them, but they were euphoric at the absence of their captain.
Well guys, let’s get this show on the road." declared Lee.
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The dust was flying for over an hour and a half. The guys had put a lot of elbow grease into getting every spot in the station clean. This is when Hank’s world turned up-side down. He was busily scrubbing the latrine, when he heard the unmistakable sound of his wife’s Edsel. "Oh, no. What on earth is going on." he thought to himself. He quickly finished cleaning the last urinal, when he heard Captain Bilbray call his name.
"Hey Hank, you got some visitors here."
"Be right there Cap!" he shouted as he washed his hands.
He went out to meet his wife. He glanced at Captain Bilbray with an apologetic shrug, and sheepishly gave his wife a quick kiss on the cheek. Captain Bilbray didn’t seem to care, but Hank was mortified.
"Listen Hank, take as much time as you need, the guys and me are going to take a little break. In fact, why don’t you use the office, it will be a little more private."
"Thanks Cap. I appreciate it." said a very grateful Hank.
"What’s the matter, Hon?" he questioned as he walked his family back to the office. The children began playing in the office, and nothing went untouched. As they entered the room, Hank’s son jumped into the captain’s chair, and started twirling around.
"Stop that, son." Hank said putting his hand on the chair and turning to give his wife his full attention.
Mrs. Stanley began to address her husband, "I noticed that Michael had these red bumps on the back of his head. I wasn’t all that concerned until I noticed Susan had some too."
Hank glanced sideways and noticed his daughter, Susan, was flipping through the papers on the Captain’s desk.
"Please don’t do that, Sweetie." he said as he laid his hand down on top of the papers.
"Hank, are you listening to me?"
"Yes, Kathryn, I am." Hank said tiredly.
"Well like I was saying, they’ve just been itching so much, that I thought they might be allergic to the shampoo or something. I figured I’d better take them to the doctor and see if there is some kind of ointment he could give me."
"Dad," Michael said pulling on Hank’s pocket, "Dad, can we slide down the pole?"
"No, Michael, I don’t think that would be such a good idea today."
"But Dad...." Michael pleaded.
"I said ‘no,’ Michael."
"Hank..." Kathryn said in an exasperated tone.
"Listen, you two, why don’t you go and get some cookies in the kitchen. Your mom and I will be there in a minute." Hank said in desperation. "But don’t touch anything else, Daddy has an inspection today, and everything needs to stay clean." Michael and Susan jumped up and ran out the door.
Hank, sighed with relief and turned to his wife once again, "Sounds like a plan, Kathryn. Let me know what you find out. But why’d ya have to come to the station?"
"Well, I’ll need the checkbook. You took it this morning, so you could pay the electric bill. I’ll need it to pay the doctor and get any medicine he prescribes."
"Oh, yea. I forgot all about that. Let me go get that for ya. I’ll meet you and the kids in the kitchen." Hank scurried from the office into the locker room.
Jeff entered the locker room and saw a half a fireman hanging out of a locker. Hank was busily digging through his belongings.
"Is everything alright, Hank?" Jeff said with some concern in his voice.
Hank replied in a muffled voice, "Fine, fine. Just a little rash on the kids. Nothing serious."
Jeff just stood and watched as Hank emerged from his locker. Hank had a big, goofy smile. He had obviously found what he was looking for. His wild hair reflected the work he had gone through to retrieve his prized possession.
"Hey listen, Hank, just let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Jeff said as Hank hurried out of the locker room.
When Hank walked into the engine bay, he almost fainted dead away at what he saw. His son was sitting proudly in the driver’s seat of the big engine with an old turn-out coat on and Captain McConnikee’s dress cap on his head. Hank’s mouth fell open in a silent scream.
He hurried over to his son. "Where did you get that?!" he barked pointing to Michael’s head.
Michael stared at his irate father, and pointed to the captain’s office. "It was in the desk, Dad. I wanted to see what it was like to be a real fireman." Michael whispered.
Hank was suddenly filled with remorse for yelling at his son. "Oh, Michael, why couldn’t you have picked one of the other hats?" Hank asked, with a voice full of regret.
"I couldn’t reach ‘em, Dad. They were too high."
Hank’s wife walked up behind him. "Hank have you seen Susan? She was here just a minute ago."
"No, Kathryn, I haven’t. I thought she was in the kitchen getting some cookies." Hank responded.
"Well, she was. I turned my back to put the dishes in the sink, and she was gone."
Hank heard his daughter’s giggles echoing through the station, but couldn’t decipher where those giggles were coming from until she said, "Daddy, Daddy ...watch this!"
Hank, Kathryn, and Michael looked up towards the ceiling. Susan came sliding down the fire pole. She was going much faster, than she ever thought she would. She landed with a loud thud at the bottom of the pole. She looked around in a state of shock, and then began to cry loudly.
Michael turned to his father with a scowl on his face. "Dad! Why did she get to slide down, when I couldn’t?" he demanded to know.
Hank stood quietly wondering what more could go wrong with this day. He looked quietly upward and asked softly, "Why me?"
His wife smiled at her hapless, handsome husband, and kissed him on the cheek.
"If it helps...I love you." she cooed.
Hank wrapped his arms around his wife and gave her a little squeeze and a kiss. "I love you, too, Kathryn Stanley."
"Why don’t you get back to business, Sweetheart, and I’ll take these two rascals to the doctor. Before I go, did you get time to pay the electric bill or do I need to take care of that while I’m out?" Kathryn chided.
"I’m sorry, Hon, I didn’t get to it this morning." Hank said apologetically. He felt terrible about adding to her workload for the day, especially when she would be stuck with those two hooligans all day long.
Kathryn turned to her children and announced in her most authoritarian voice, "Let’s go you two!" The two whining children quickly moved in behind her. Hank could hear his wife laying down the law as they got into the car. He listened as the Edsel was revved up and his family headed out.
Hank stood there for a moment relishing the silence left in his family’s wake. Then he looked down at the white hat in his hand. "Oh, no" he whispered to himself, "what else could they have gotten into? The guys are going to KILL me." He quickly returned to the captain’s office. He slid the hat back into the bottom drawer. Then he straightened the papers on the desk. He pushed the chair back in and examined the room carefully. "Looks normal" he thought to himself, "if anything is wrong, hopefully, its too small to notice."
Hank began the task of cleaning up after his children. He hung the turn-out coat back on its peg, and polished the fingerprints off the engine. Then, he went upstairs to the dorm. He determined that Susan had used a few of the bunks as trampolines. He quickly straightened them. After that, he began the difficult job of polishing that darn pole.
Hank was just thankful the damage was easily fixed and the klaxons waited until he was finished to sound. "Station 17...people trapped...415 Jammes Avenue....cross street Huntington....time out 9:52." The guys loaded up and were gone for the better part of an hour. It was nothing too serious, just some college kids out for a little fun on a power pole.
When the guys returned, the phone was ringing. Captain Bilbray answered, "Station 17, Captain Bilbray, can I help you? .....I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time understanding you. Can you please repeat that a little slower?....Yes ma’am, he’s right here, just a minute."
Captain Bilbray held up the receiver of the phone, and looked out over the men. "Hank, it’s your wife. She sounds real upset. Why don’t you take the call up in the dorm."
"Thanks, Cap." Hank replied as he dashed upstairs to take the call. He grabbed up the phone and urgently asked, "Kathryn, what’s wrong? Are the kids alright?"
Hank listened to the hysterical woman on the other end of the phone, but couldn’t decipher anything that was being said. "Slow down, Kathryn, you’re talking too fast. I can’t understand what you’re saying."
"Oh, Hank!" she wailed, "you’ll never guess what the doctor said."
"What?!" Hank asked with a little more hostility than he should have.
Kathryn spoke amidst sobs "Hank, the doctor said Michael and Susan have head lice."
Hank was silent.
"Hank! Head lice! Do you know what people are going to say about us? They’ll think I’m a terrible mother with a filthy house and dirty kids." she cried.
"Calm down, Sweetheart." Hank said more sympathetically, "It’s not the end of the world."
"Oh, Hank! I can’t! This is just awful. " as she begin to sob again. "What are we gonna do?"
Hank decided to be the voice of reason. "Well Kathryn, I think the first thing we have to do is find out how to get rid of them, the lice I mean. Did the doctor give you any ideas of what to do?"
"The doctor gave me a whole list." Hank could hear his wife going through her purse in the background. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. "I have to wash everyone’s hair with a special shampoo. Then, I have to pick out all the eggs with a special comb. After I do that, I have to vacuum the floor and wash all the bed linens and all the clothes. Plus, I have to put all their toys in plastic bags for about a week. The doctor said if I don’t do everything, they’ll come right back."
"Did he say anything else?" Hank asked.
"Yes, they are highly contagious. It only takes one bug to get another infestation. That means, I have to tell everyone they played with, so they can get checked too. Hank, do you know how embarrassing that’s going to be?"
"Well, where in the hell..I mean heck... did they pick up those darn bugs?" Hank asked his wife. He had so much to worry about right now, that he almost forgot about the cussing. Kathryn hated when he cursed around her.
"He said they probably picked them up from school. He said lice can hide in hats, clothes, coats, and carpets." Kathryn explained.
Hank’s mind quickly flashed back to that white dress hat in the captain’s desk drawer. He suddenly became acutely aware of why his wife was so alarmed. Adrenaline began to course through Hank Stanley’s body. He began to imagine an epidemic of head lice at the station, and the indignity that he would have to endure. "Honey ...I’ve gotta run. There’s some things I need to take care of. Are you gonna be alright?"
Kathryn answered calmly, ‘I’ll be fine . If it’s O.K., I’ll bring the shampoo by the station in a little while. You don’t want to take any chances of spreading head lice to the other guys at the station."
Hank’s mind was going a mile a minute, but he comprehended enough of what his wife said to reply, "Sure Hon, but please leave the kids in the car this time. O.K.?"
Kathryn laughed and assured Hank that she would do that. As he hung up the phone, Hank realized how much work lay ahead of him. He didn’t have much time, before McConnikee would be back, so he would have to work fast.
Hank became a man possessed. First, he grabbed the notorious turn-out coat, and shoved it into a black, trash bag. He tied the bag in a knot. Then, he hid it behind the couch for safe-keeping.
Lee and Byron were watching Hank as he scurried in with the bag. Lee opened his mouth to make an observation, but Byron put his hand up. "Listen Lee, don’t even ask. It’s best to leave Hank alone when he gets like this."
Next, Hank ran upstairs to the dorm. He looked at all the beds. He stood there for a minute scratching his head. He couldn’t remember which bunks he had straightened earlier. "Guess I’ll have to do them all." he muttered to himself.
Jeff walked into the dorm to retrieve a book he’d been reading. He didn’t seem to notice the panic in Hank’s eyes. "What’s for lunch, Hank?"
Hank had forgotten all about lunch. "Listen, Pal, I hate to impose on ya, but could I ask for a really big favor?"
"Sure, Hank."
"Could you take care of lunch for me? I’d really appreciate it."
"No problem, Hank." Jeff grabbed the book and went back downstairs. Hank could hear Jeff’s faint rustling in the kitchen. "Finally," he thought, "one thing is going right."
Hank busily stripped all the bunks. He took the bundles of bed linens to the wash room, and started a load in the washing machine. As he stood there filling the machine, his mind began to think, "Hmmm...how tricky are these bugs?" Hank turned to the storage closet behind him. He began going through it in search of a certain item. Finally, he found it: the bug spray. "Best not to take any chances." he thought.
Hank ran back upstairs with the bug spray in hand. He left nothing in the dorm untouched. The scent of insecticide permeated every corner of the room. It was almost noon before he came downstairs.
Byron noticed Hank first. "We were fixing to send out the cavalry to look for you, Stanley."
"Is everything O.K.?" asked Sam with some concern.
"Oh, yea." responded Hank distractedly.
"Sit down, and have some lunch." invited Captain Bilbray.
"No thanks Cap. I’ve got some things I need to take care of." Hank replied.
"O.K. it’s your stomach, but don’t let it growl during that inspection. Captain McConnikee would never let you forget it."
"Oh hell," Hank whispered rather loudly. He’d forgotten all about the inspection. If Captain McConnikee caught head lice from his kids, his career would be over.
"What was that Hank?" Captain Bilbray asked.
"Nothing...excuse me guys, I’ve got something I need to do."
The guys watched as Hank left the room. Lee was the first to speak, "What on earth is Hank up to now?"
"I think he’s gone over the deep end this time." Sam responded.
"He’s probably just obsessing about the inspection." Jeff explained. "I think we should just leave him alone until it’s over."
Byron agreed, "Jeff’s right, if we bother him, he’ll only get worse." All the guys shook their heads in agreement, and went back to eating.
Hank slipped into the captain’s office. He quietly opened the bottom drawer and removed the white, dress cap from its place. He didn’t quite know what to do with it. He was pretty sure he couldn’t wash it, and bug spray in the hat was out of the question. He stood there for a minute, staring at the hat. Then, he turned it over and looked at the brim, in an effort to find some way of disinfecting the hat without completely ruining it. "How am I gonna fix this?" Hank’s mind was screaming. At that very moment, A minuscule creature could be seen crawling around the inside brim of the cap. Hank’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. He was going to have to take care of this immediately. He rationalized it in his mind; the loss of the hat could be explained, but not the bug.
Hank tucked the hat under his arm. He walked quickly through the kitchen, stopping only once. He opened the cabinet door . He removed the lighter fluid and the matches.
The guys had finished lunch and Sam and Lee were busy washing the dishes. Lee’s interest was peaked at Hank’s unusual behavior. He just had to ask," What’s going on, Hank?"
"I...I...need to take care of something outside." Hank said, as his eyes darted nervously around in his head.
"What are you going to do, Hank? Burn McConnikee at the stake?" Lee asked. Sam laughed wildly at Lee’s remark, but Hank ignored both of them and walked out the back door.
Hank looked around outside, hoping to find a place that was hidden from view. He wasn’t able to find any place even slightly out of sight. "I guess I’ll have to do it right out here in the open." he thought to himself.
Hank gently laid the hat down on the ground. He uncapped the lighter fluid, and gave the hat a few squirts. "Guess there’s no turning back now." Hank muttered to himself. He struck a match, and hesitantly, looked back down at the hat. He bent down and touched the flame to the material.
The hat exploded with a big "POOF!" It burned brightly for a minute, and then died down to a few small, flickering flames. Hank crouched down beside the burning hat, and silently said a prayer that no one was watching.
At the same moment, Hank was walking out the back door, Captain Ed McConnikee was strolling through the front door. He wandered through the office and into the break room. McConnikee saw three men furiously cleaning the breakroom, while Captain Bilbray sat reading the newspaper. McConnikee quietly slipped up behind his old friend and broke the silence with his booming voice. "Hey Joe, have my men been behaving for ya?"
Three pairs of eyes looked up, and Captain Bilbray jumped to his feet. He turned to look at McConnikee, whose Irish eyes were twinkling.
"Dang it, Ed!! You could have given me a heart attack. Is that what you do to these men to keep them in line? "
"Nah, I hose them down with a two and half. Are they all ready for the inspection?" McConnikee queried
"I swear, Ed, I’ve never seen this station so clean. I’m really sick and tired of seeing my ugly reflection staring at me from every object in the room."
"Well, why should we be the only one’s who have to suffer?" McConnikee retorted.
The firemen were intently listening to the exchange that was taking place in front of them. They were astonished at how human Captain McConnikee seemed to be.
"How’d the captain’s meeting go?" inquired Captain Bilbray.
"Long and boring as usual, but one notable piece of news came out of it. I put Hank Stanley up for a commendation while I was there. You know, he did an outstanding job at that Barnett Warehouse fire last week."
"Oh yea, I heard about that. It must have been a pretty spectacular fire to call in that third alarm." said an impressed Captain Bilbray.
"Nothing, my men can’t handle." McConnikee gloated to the senior captain.
"Well, I believe that’s my cue to leave," said Captain Bilbray as he got up to go. "See ya later, Ed. Take care guys." The senior captain walked out of the room leaving McConnikee with his flabbergasted men. McConnikee turned to address the men whose mouths were all hanging open, when Jeff came running into the room oblivious of McConnikee’s presence.
"Hey, does anyone know what Hank’s doing out there?" he asked looking out the window.
All the men, including McConnikee, hustled over to the window to peer out. They could see Hank hunkered down outside, but they couldn’t tell what he was doing. McConnikee backed away from the window. "Hey guys, I’ll be right back." The captain quietly opened the door and tiptoed across the parking lot until he was right behind Hank. Hank was engrossed in the fire. He was busy praying, that the hat would be totally indistinguishable when he was done.
Out of the blue, came a cheerful Irish voice, "Hank, are we having barbecue, instead of clam chowder tonight?"
Hank leaped up from his squatting position, and turned to face the voice. "Oh...hi Cap...I didn’t see you standing there." Hank choked.
"What in the Sam Hill are you doing Hank? It’s too darn hot for a weenie roast." McConnikee joked.
"Well...I was....you see... " Hank stammered.
Captain McConnikee investigated the burning embers a little more closely as he stood there listening to Hank. "Wait a minute... what in the hell is that? That looks just like my dress cap."
Hank’s eyes never left his captain’s face. He saw McConnikee’s jovial smile, dissolve into a questioning stare. Then came the painful moment of recognition for McConnikee when the stare turned from shocked dismay to utter horror. Hank’s life began to flash before his eyes, when the horror on the captain’s face was replaced with pure anger.
McConnikee stood there frozen in place. His face turned beet red; his teeth were clenched together, and his eyes were shooting daggers. Hank was speechless. Then, suddenly McConnikee’s anger dissipated, into a giant smile.
Now, Hank was totally confused.
McConnikee, slapped Hank on the back and shouted "Good one, Hank! In a million years, I would have never guessed you would be the one. I’m afraid you’re going to pay an awfully big price for this though. After all, you’re the only one who has ever dared to challenge me."
Hank bowed his head, and said sorrowfully, "Sir, I’ll accept any punishment you feel I deserve."
McConnikee felt so alive. Hank Stanley was a true genius. He had the act down to a science. McConnikee decided to play along with Hank, so he straightened his back, and put on his most serious face. "Oh, don’t worry Hank, I will see that you pay for this. You can bet your life on it." McConnikee turned slowly around and walked back toward the station with a sly grin.
Hank just stood there, staring at the burning remains of the hat. "What have I done?" he said in disbelief and horror, "What have I done....."
The men had been staring out the window watching the exchange between the two men, until McConnikee turned to come back. They busied themselves in the kitchen, but they were all dying to know what had gone on out there. Hank certainly didn’t appear to be excited about his commendation, but McConnikee seemed to be happy as a clam when he walked through the door. Lee’s curiosity finally got the best of him, and he found his voice, "Cap?"
"Yea, Martinez?."
"Is everything alright?" Lee asked in an uncertain voice.
"Oh, perfect." McConnikee said cheerfully, "that Stanley is a real piece of work. He’s sure knows how to pull a fast one. "
The men were mystified. They all knew Hank, and how he obsessed over every little thing. There was no way he could pull a joke on a higher up.
"Cap, what did he do?" asked Byron.
McConnikee began to chuckle, "Hank’s out there barbecuing my...." At that moment, the klaxons sounded again. "Station 17....trash fire.....7649 Park Street....cross street Pacific...time out 13:52.
The men were dying for McConnikee to finish the statement, but he ran for the microphone. The four bewildered men and one panicked engineer ran for the vehicles. They were off to do what they all loved the most, fight a fire.
When they returned to the station, Hank skulked around the station finishing his chores. He had brought the wrath of McConnikee down upon himself, and he didn’t want to push the man any further than he already had. Hank finished putting the sheets on the last bed at 4:15. "Whew," he thought, "just in the nick of time."
Captain McConnikee called his men together at 4:25. He had them lined up perfectly in dress hats and uniforms. He stood there proudly in his own dress uniform, minus the hat. As they waited for the chief, three of the men began to fidget, except for Byron and Hank. Sam, who had a mustache, started making faces.
"You guys need to cut that out, the chief will be here any minute." Captain McConnikee cautioned. Then, he felt a tingle in his own head, and reached up to scratch. The more he scratched, the worse it itched.
Hank tried hard to ignore the scratching and complaining of the other guys, but was aghast when he saw McConnikee clawing at his head. Stanley’s mind was racing through all the precautions his wife had mentioned on the phone. "I did everything she said." he thought to himself. All at once, it donned on him...the turn-out coat. He had hung it back up on its peg when his family had left. "Those damn bugs!" Hank cursed to himself, "They must have traveled from one coat to another while they were all hanging up together." Hank was sure they must have taken up residence on the guys when they were out on those runs.
The chief walked in precisely at 4:30. McConnikee’s itch disappeared instantly. The chief greeted McConnikee with a smile, and shook his hand. "Nice to see you again, Ed. How’s it going here at Station 17?"
"Fantastic, Chief. I couldn’t ask for a better team." McConnikee responded.
"That’s terrific, Ed. I knew we could depend on you." replied the chief warmly. Then his look soured momentarily. "Ed, do you realize you are out of uniform?"
"Yes sir, I do. My hat had an unfortunate accident." McConnikee explained.
"I see." said the chief. "Well, lets make sure it recovers in enough time for the next inspection, Captain McConnikee."
McConnikee threw a killer look over at Hank. Hank’s face turned a lovely shade of crimson, as he waited for the earth to swallow him up. It was the only possible way to escape from the hell he was in at the moment.
The chief walked down the line of men and shook each one’s hand. He stopped abruptly when he came to Hank. Hank’s heart jumped into his throat. Fear paralyzed him as he waited for the explosion that was sure to come.
"I’ve heard some wonderful things about you, Stanley. Let’s keep up the good work." the chief extolled.
McConnikee followed right behind the chief and shook Stanley’s hand. "Yes Hank, you do outstanding work." he said with demonic grin, a wink of his eye, and a scratch of his head.
Once the introductions were made, Captain McConnikee walked the chief and his crew around the station. The fire fighters were left standing in the back of the engine bay.
They broke ranks and gathered around Hank.
"Congratulations, Hank!" each one offered as they took turns shaking his hand and slapping him on the back.
Stanley barely heard them. His mind was busy conjuring up what McConnikee was planning to do to him. "Why is McConnikee torturing me by dragging this out. Why couldn’t he just punish me and get it over with. " he thought to himself. Hank tried to prepare himself for what fate may lay ahead, "This is just the beginning.... McConnikee is out for blood." he decided. Hank Stanley knew that as long as he and McConnikee worked in the same department together, that evil leprechaun would be out to destroy him.
At that moment, Kathryn rushed out of the kitchen, and threw her arms around her husband’s neck. "Oh, honey! Congratulations, I’m so proud of you!"
Hank’s mind finally came back to reality, and his wife’s presence was slightly unsettling. "Kathryn, you shouldn’t be here right now. We’re in the middle of an inspection." Hank warned.
"I know, Hank. Captain McConnikee told me I could wait in the kitchen until the introductions were over." Kathryn continued to talk as she took her husband’s arm and led him away from the rest of the men. "I have something very important to give you." Once they were out of the group’s earshot, Kathryn began again in a much quieter voice, "Hank, I brought you the shampoo." She shoved the little, brown bottle into his hand. She glanced back to make sure no one was listening. Kathryn gasped slightly and went on. "Make sure you leave it on long enough to kill any bugs. And Hank, I think you might want to share it with the rest of the guys." Hank nodded in agreement, and slid the bottle into his pocket for safe-keeping. As the couple strolled back over to the group of firemen, they saw several of them scratching their heads with great determination.
"Hey guys, I’ve got some stuff that’s guaranteed to get rid of that itch."
"Oh, man! Let me have some of it." pleaded Sam as he itched his upper lip.
"Me, too." came the unmistakable voice of Captain McConnikee as he joined the group. "It feels like I got a bunch of fleas doing an Irish jig on my head." he said as he scratched. All the firemen laughed except for Hank. His smile faded, and was replaced by a look of worry. McConnikee didn’t notice as he continued, "It’s the same feeling I had, the last time my kids had head lice."
"You can’t be serious, Cap." replied Lee.
"Oh yea. They got ‘em while we were in Florida. It was the worst vacation of my life."
McConnikee looked at his men and asked in an exhilarated voice, "Don’t you guys want to know what the chief said?" The captain’s exuberance was contagious, and all the men were smiling. Hank’s look of worry disappeared and was replaced with a nervous smile.
Byron was the first to speak up, "Did we get a good report, Cap?"
McConnikee was wearing a big grin. "You did fantastic guys! The chief wanted me to let you know how impressed he is with you and the station. You all did a great job!
The chief said, he’s never seen a finer group of men who deserve each other more than us."
"What do ya say we celebrate with a special dinner tonight? Is that alright with you Hank?" McConnikee asked.
The men anxiously looked at Hank, "Sure, why not. What did ya have in mind, Cap?" he chimed in.
"Barbecue!" McConnikee suggested with glee.
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Thank you to my sister, Robin, for encouraging me to write this story. Thanks also to my mom for proofreading. I very special thanks to Amy, who was my beta reader. I appreciate all your help. I must also pay tribute to my first graders, who have taught me everything I know about head lice.
"The Curse of McConikee" ©1999 Teresa Hadley. "Emergency!" and its characters © Mark VII Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. No infringement of any copyrights or trademarks is intended or should be inferred. This is a work of fiction, and any similarity to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.
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