L.O.S.T in Cincinnati
"Hello babies! This is Dr. Johnny Fever comin' at you on WKRP. Later today, Venus Flytrap will be live at the Crosswinds Mall for the second annual Battle of Cincy's Finest..." the radio in John Gage's Land Rover blared.
"I always enjoyed listing to Johnny Fever. It's good to hear his voice again," John commented.
"Too bad he got fired," Barry Baricza agreed.
"BOOGER!" they yelled in unison.
"And now a word from our sponsor," Johnny announced.
"Hey! You're young and swingin'..." the singers cheerfully sang.
"It was great to great away from LA, especially the Phantom," John said.
"I hope that the Phantom doesn't have anything planned for you," Bear said.
"Why are you worried about the Phantom?" John asked.
"After a joke is played on you, that's all I hear about for two weeks afterwards," Bear replied.
"Fenniman's Funeral Home..." the ad continued.
"Geez, a song about a funeral home," Bear said in disgust.
Suddenly the engine died.
"Shit!" John said.
"I wonder what's wrong," Bear wondered while looking for the fire extinguisher.
"The engine is shot. We are stuck in Cincinnati," John lamented.
"At least we got stuck in the city rather than in the middle of Nebraska," Bear said.
A blonde woman wearing a tight-knit sweater dress in a Jaguar drove up to the men as they were looking under the hood.
"Do you need any help?" Jennifer Marlowe asked, walking sensually towards the men.
"Our car is stalled," Bear told Jennifer as John ogled her.
"I'll be glad to help you out," Jennifer said as she looked for her tool kit.
"My name is Barry, and my friend is John," Bear introduced themselves to Jennifer.
"I'm Jennifer Marlowe. I'm the secretary at WKRP," she told the men, winking at them.
"Would you call a tow truck for us, Jennifer?" Bear asked.
"Certainly," Jennifer replied.
Bear then walked over to John.
"I'm in love," John whispered to Bear.
"Your drooling will turn her off," Bear joked.
"I can't help it. She's very attractive," John whispered.
"I thought that I would have to put your eyeballs back in your head," Bear teased.
"I've never seen a woman look that good in that type of dress before," John said.
"Does that mean you're giving up on nurses?" Bear joked.
"No. I just haven't found the right person yet," John replied.
Jennifer then returned to visit with John and Bear.
"I see why the engine died. The piston is broken. I can't fix it myself, so here's a name of a great mechanic that can repair that for you," Jennifer said.
A tow truck arrived a few minutes later, followed by a taxi. Meanwhile, Bear finally got John to stop staring at Jennifer.
"She's got brains. The only other person with that much brains is Dixie," John told Bear.
Jennifer then returned one more time.
"I also called a taxi for you," she said.
"Thank you, Jennifer," John said while shaking her hand.
"John," Jennifer said.
"Yeah," John replied, transfixed by her beauty.
"Would you let go of my hand?" she asked.
John let go.
"I'm already dating someone," Jennifer told John.
"I found our cameras," Bear told John. "Rejected again?"
Jennifer sashayed away, laughing to herself.
###
The taxi pulled up to the Crosswinds Mall and Bear and John got out.
"I'll never forget Jennifer," John mused.
"You said that about the last fifteen women that rejected you. This stop will give us a chance to buy more film for the rest of the trip," Bear told John.
"You pick up the film. I see someone I know," John said.
"How do you know that man?" Bear asked.
"I met him at the Firefighters Olympics in Chicago," John replied.
"We'll meet here in two hours," Bear suggested.
The men went their separate ways.
"Captain Gene Robertson, Fireman John Gage at your service," he announced.
"John Gage, it's good to see you! What brings you to Cincy?" Gene asked, shaking John's hand.
"A friend and I were in on our way back from Washington, DC, and my car broke down," John answered.
"Hey, Tank, I want you to meet one the craziest men ever to fight fires!" Gene yelled.
"Yeah, Cap," Tank said.
"Tank McNulty, meet John Gage from the Los Angeles County Fire Department," Gene said.
"Pleasure to meet you. So you met Cap in Chicago," Tank said while shaking John's hand.
"Sure did. He ran a great 440," John told Tank.
"Cap said that you were the best miler he's ever seen," Tank said.
"I heard that your team had a little trouble in Iowa," Gene said.
"We helped out with an accident involving a drunk driver. Unfortunately, his passenger died two weeks after the crash. We got stuck there during a blizzard, and my partner Roy suffered a mild case of frostbite. He's okay now," John told the Cincinnati firemen.
"I never saw anybody buy as many stuffed animals as your friend Roy", Gene commented.
Then the firemen heard glass breaking. They ran over to find a mousy man wearing glasses holding his cut right hand.
"Are you all right?" Tank asked.
"Yes, I am," Les Nessman proclaimed.
"Why don't you sit down and wait for the ambulance?" John suggested while Gene and Tank went to call the medics.
"I can't. I have to get back to do the hog reports," Les replied.
"Sir, the hog reports can wait," John calmly said.
"Do you know who I am?" Les asked angrily.
"All I know is that you could be severely injured," John replied.
"I'm Les Nessman, winner of the Buckeye News Hawk Award five times. I also have won the Silver Sow Award for excellence in agricultural reporting," he announced.
"You are also hurt," an agitated John told Les as Gene and Tank returned with the medics.
"What do we have here?" Medic Ronny Lang asked.
"He ha a severe laceration to his right hand. He has also lost 50 ccs of blood," John told Ronny.
"Okay, doctor..." Ronny said.
"Paramedic John Gage, Los Angeles County Fire Department" he introduced himself.
"Thanks for your help," Ronny said.
After Les was loaded on the ambulance going to Cincinnati General, John, Tank and Gene had a soda at the snack bar.
"Hey, John, could you help us out with something?" Gene asked, while Tank quietly giggled.
"What is it?" John asked.
"In a half hour, we are supposed to be in a three man relay against the Cincy Police Department, but our anchorman Archie Dunn broke his leg while fighting a two alarm apartment fire," Gene said.
"You can count me in," John said enthusiastically.
Gene and Tank smiled at each other.
Just then, Jennifer walked by, arm and arm with an elderly man.
"Hello Gene, Tank, and John," Jennifer cheerfully said.
"Hello, Jennifer," Gene said.
"Is that your grandfather, Jennifer?" John asked.
"No, he is my boyfriend. Ebeneezer Carter, meet Gene, Tank, and John," Jennifer said, kissing Ebeneezer on the cheek.
"Sir, how old are you?" John asked Ebeneezer.
"Sonny, I am ninety-five years old," Ebeneezer answered.
John buried his head in his hands.
###
"You have an excellent opportunity to increase the number of customers that come in this store," Herb Tarlek told the manager of the camera store when Bear walked in.
"I've got a customer," Davey Jackson, the store manager told Herb.
"Remember, WKRP will meet all your advertising needs," Herb told Davey as Herb left the camera store.
"Yeah, right," Davey said to Herb as Bear approached the counter.
"I would to buy some film," Bear said.
The ambulance's sirens wailed as it left the Crosswinds Mall.
"I hope that no one was seriously injured," Bear said.
"Me too," Davey said.
"I'll take five rolls of this film," Bear told Davey.
"That was the pushiest salesman I have ever seen," Davey said.
"That jacket reminds me of the test pattern on my television," Bear commented.
Davey had his eye on a suspicious man that had just entered the store, who immediately got Bear's attention as well.
"I'm a California Highway Patrol officer. I'll do my best to help," Bear whispered to Davey.
"I could use your help, buddy," Davey whispered to Bear.
The man pocketed two rolls of film and left the store. Davey picked up the phone to call the police.
"Tell them an off duty officer is following the shoplifter," Bear said.
As the shoplifter left the store, he ran into Herb and took Herb's wallet out the coat pocket.
"Come back here, you asshole!" Herb yelled, flipping his middle finger.
"Are you all right?" Bear asked Herb.
"I'm fine. Just get that fucking asshole who took my wallet," Herb replied angrily.
Bear found a security guard and explained the situation to him. Both men started running after the thief.
"FREEZE! POLICE!" two police officers yelled.
The suspect turned around and ran right into Bear. Bear tackled the suspect and held him down until the officers arrived.
"Thanks, we really appreciated your help, officer.." Officer Mike Mallory said.
"CHP officer Barry Baricza glad to help," he said.
"We'll need your badge number for our report," Mike said.
Herb joined the group of officers.
"That asshole stole my wallet. I want it back," Herb said.
Mike gave Herb his wallet.
"Nothing appears to be missing. I would like to file charges," Herb told the officers.
"You are a very lucky man, Mr..." Bear said.
"Herb Tarlek, WKRP sales director," he said, shaking Bear's hand.
"Mr. Tarlek, I'm willing to give a statement on your behalf, Bear said.
"Officer Baricza, I need some information from you," Mike told Bear.
Jennifer and Ebeneezer walked by.
"Hello Herb," Jennifer said while being kissed by Ebeneezer.
"So, this is your new boyfriend, Jennifer," Herb said, ogling her.
"You're married, Herb," Jennifer told him.
"That doesn't matter. This nice man helped me get my wallet back," Herb told Jennifer while pointing to Bear.
"Bye, Herb," Jennifer said as she sensually walked over to Bear.
"I heard that your friend John is in the Battle of Cincy's finest. He'll look good in the fairy princess dress that he has to wear," Jennifer told Bear.
"A fairy princess! I have to buy more film!" Bear laughed.
"I admire a fireman who is willing to wear pink, "Jennifer said.
###
"Here's your outfit for the race, Gage," Tank said, trying not to laugh.
"How did you get the name Tank?" John asked.
"I got it while I was in high school. My football coach thought it was perfect," Tank replied.
"What is your real name?" John asked.
"It's Horace. I was named after my grandfather," Tank answered.
"Thanks for the outfit," John said.
"No problem," Tank smiled, trying not to laugh.
As John walked away with his outfit, Gene and Tank started laughing.
"He took it without looking at it. He's crazier than I thought," Gene told Tank.
"ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" John yelled.
"He just saw his costume," Tank laughed.
###
"Hello, babies! Dr. Johnny Fever here. That was the Eagles with "Peaceful Easy Feeling". We are going to Venus Flytrap live at the Crosswinds Mall."
"Thank you Johnny. This is Venus Flytrap live at the Crosswinds Mall for the running of the Second Annual Battle of Cincy's Finest. Three men each from the fire department and the police department run in a wild relay with each team member wearing a costume. Let's meet the captains of each team."
Two men dressed like ducks approached the stage.
"Are you sure you want to use a fireman from Los Angeles for your anchorman?" Sergeant Ray McIntire asked Gene.
"You should see him run. Anyway, I couldn't get anyone else to run as a fairy princess," Gene answered.
Meanwhile, Tank and John were waiting for the race to start.
"You look pretty in pink, Gage," Tank joked.
"As long as this doesn't reach LA," John said, pulling up his pink tights.
"You've got a run in your tights," Tank laughed.
In the audience that formed for the relay, Bear saw John through his camera lens.
I'm glad I got color film, Bear thought as he took pictures of John in his costume.
"All right gentlemen. The winner receives $500 for their favorite charity. You each take a lap around the mall. Before you pass the baton to the next man, you have to do what is written on a card," Andy Travis told the men.
"We're ready," Ray and Gene told Andy.
"Ready, set, go!" Andy said as he fired the starter's gun.
Ray and Gene finished their lap, then quacked before passing the baton. Tank, wearing a dog costume, ran around the mall, before singing "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window" before passing the baton to John.
Wait until the guys hear about this, Bear thought as he reloaded his camera.
John, wearing a pink fairy outfit, complete with a tiara and pink silk wings, took the baton from Tank. John ran around the mall, trying not to trip over the skirt of the costume.
How did I get myself into this? John asked himself as he passed Waldenbooks.
As John made his way to the finish line, Bear was having fun taking pictures of Fairy Princess John Gage.
John saw the finish line.
I really hope that this does not get back to LA or Chet will torment me for the rest of my life, he thought.
John crossed the finish line ten yards ahead of Cincinnati's Police Department's version of the fairy princess.
"Let's congratulate the winners form Cincy's Fire Department," Venus said as he handed the trophy to Gene.
"Thank you, Venus. It's almost time for the news, babies. Sitting in for Les Nessman will be Bailey Quarters," Dr. Johnny Fever announced.
###
"I believe in fairies," Bear, in a high pitched voice, teased John.
"Nobody in LA, especially Chet, is to find out about this," John snarled.
"I took two rolls of you," Bear laughed.
"I mean it," John said.
"How did you get yourself into this?" Bear asked.
"It sounded like fun at the time, and it was for charity," John replied.
"How was your morning?" Bear asked.
"Let's see, my car breaks down. I get rejected by a goddess who dates a man that's old enough to be my grandfather. I give first aid to a man who loves hogs, and have to run in a dress that looks like something Roy's daughter would wear on Halloween. So far, it's been very interesting," John replied.
"Well, I saw the pushiest salesman I have ever seen, caught a shoplifter, and got some potential blackmail photos of you," Bear commented.
A camera crew approached John for an interview. Bear made a hasty retreat to the relative safety of the food court.
###
In Carson, California, the men of Station 51 finished a rare uninterrupted meal when they sat at the television to watch the Dodgers game.
"That was great clam chowder, Cap," Chet said, rubbing Henry's head.
"Thank you, Chet," Hank said.
"Earlier today, in Cincinnati, Ohio, one of LA's firefighters ran in a very unusual race, sponsored by a radio station. Firefighter/Paramedic John Gage seen here in a fairy princess costume..." Paula Hughes read.
The whole station started laughing to tears.
"What a twit!" Cap yelled.
"Hey Roy," Chet giggled.
"What?" Roy said between guffaws.
"Do you have any fairy dust?" Chet asked.
"I'm sure I can find some," Dwyer said.
"I have some at home," Roy said.
"He looks good in that costume," Marco commented.
"I agree," Stoker giggled.
"At least he getting in touch with his feminine side," Cap joked.
"And my daughter has a matching outfit," Roy joked.
"Tinkerbell lives!" Chet announced.
The men left to decorate John's locker while Henry reclaimed his place on the couch.
Author's note:
Some of the events in the story are based on my earlier story "Snow Daze".
"L.O.S.T. in Cincinnati" ©1999 Melissa Kutcher. "Emergency!" and its characters © Mark VII Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. No infringement of any copyrights or trademarks is intended or should be inferred. This is a work of fiction, and any similarity to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.
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