Downfall

By

The Twits

Johnny moped into the locker room and slumped onto the bench with a weary sigh.

"What's with you?" Roy asked. "You look like you've seen better days."

"Don't ask," Johnny intoned, throwing up a hand to ward off his inquisitive partner. He pulled his locker door open and dragged a uniform shirt off the hanger without standing up.

Wearily he tugged off his own shirt and threw it on the floor of his locker. It wasn't until he was slowly buttoning his familiar blue work shirt that he spoke again.

"I'll tell you what's with me. Brenda, next door, that's what's with me. That jerk she was dating, Nigel? Dumped her. Again. She was at my door, crying, at midnight. She just sat on my sofa, bawling, for four hours. FOUR HOURS!" By now John was pulling his boots off.

"That's nothing new, Johnny. She does this once a month, doesn't she?"

"Yeah," Gage said wearily. "But did I mention the tequila?"

Roy smirked. "No, what tequila?"

"She was at my door, crying at midnight, with a full bottle of tequila. She was swigging right from the bottle. The only way I could think to get her to stop that was to get her to drink shots instead. I figured after a couple, she'd forget about the bottle."  Johnny buried his head in his hands.

"Did it work?"

The younger man peeked out from behind his fingers. "Oh, yeah, it worked. Eventually. And only if I joined her."

By now DeSoto was smiling broadly. His partner's life often resembled a bad soap opera, and a part of him enjoyed hearing the latest trials and tribulations. "You didn't."

Johnny sat up straight, and started on the buckle on his jeans. "I tried not to! I told her I had to work today. But she was just crying and crying, Roy, what was I supposed to do?"

Roy shook his head. "How many?"

"Four, I think. But it was so late, and I was so tired." Finally the slightly hung over man stood to remove his jeans. "I need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee."

Roy slapped his friend on the back, causing John to flinch. "I'll have a strong cup waiting for you in the kitchen. Finish getting dressed, you don't have long before roll call."

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny scrubbed a hand over his blood-shot eyes as he headed for the kitchen. He felt like crap. He hoped that cup of coffee Roy had promised him would make him feel like a new man before Cap caught sight of him.

The paramedic blindly reached for the mug Roy handed him.

“Thanks, partner.”

“You’re welcome.”

Johnny slumped against the counter-top and sipped the hot liquid, grateful that Chet was engrossed in a discussion over last night’s ballgame scores with Mike and Marco.

If Chet finds out what's wrong with me this shift will seem about twenty-four hours longer than it's already gonna be.

Cap announced roll call from the apparatus bay and Johnny set his cup down and pushed himself away from the counter with a low groan.

Roy smiled sympathetically as the partners lined up with their shift-mates under the watchful eye of Captain Stanley.

The man stared at Johnny a long moment, then sauntered down the line to come face to face with Gage. “Something the matter, John?”

“No, Cap.”

“You feeling okay this morning, pal?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You look a little under the weather.”

“I’m fine, Cap. Honestly.”

Hank studied Johnny’s pale face and bloodshot eyes. He’d been young and single at one time, too. Therefore, Hank was familiar with what a hangover felt like, and how it looked on a guy who was so obviously wearing one.

“Well now, that’s good. Glad to hear you’re feeling fine.”

“Thank you, Cap. I am. Feeling fine that is.”

Though Johnny continued to maintain eye contact with his superior, he could feel everyone else in the room staring at him. All except Roy who knew what Johnny’s problem was this morning, yet was doing his best to act as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

Hank slapped Johnny’s shoulder with his open palm. “Bright eyed and bushy tailed, huh, pal?”

Johnny stumbled into Roy.

“Uh, yeah, Cap.” Johnny righted himself with a subtle hand from his partner. “Bright eyed and bushy tailed.”

“That’s good to hear, pal, because as long as you’re the bright-eyed member of my crew this morning just rarin’ to go.  You are rarin’ to go, aren’t you, John?”

Oh please, please. Please let now be the time Chet does something stupid that pisses Cap off. Please let him move onto Chet. Please.

“John?”

“Yes, sir?”

“You are rarin’ to go, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Then you can clean out the refrigerator this morning. I think there’s something going bad in there. Sour cream. Or mayonnaise maybe. Or it might have been that tub of guacamole Marco brought in. Or possibly it’s…"

“Okay, Cap. Okay,” Johnny swallowed hard as his stomach lurched. “I get the picture.”

Chet snorted. “Geez, Gage, what’d you do to get Cap’s hose kinked this morning?”

Johnny looked down the line. “Shut up, Chet.”

Hank turned his attention to the Irishman. “For that remark, Kelly, you can spend the morning assisting Gage. And you can clean the oven while you’re at it.”

“Thanks a lot, Gage.”

“Chet, shut up."

Hank held up a hand. “Unless you two want some other choice assignments I’d advise you both to keep your mouths shut.”

For once both Johnny and Chet listened to their captain. Chet listened because he didn’t want anymore ‘choice’ assignments, and Johnny listened because his head hurt too much for him to argue further with his favorite foe.

 
~~~~~~~~~~

Gage made his way from the locker room to the kitchen, aspirin bottle in hand.  He poured a fresh cup of coffee and downed several of the white tablets. Then he sat down at the table and laid his head on his folded arms.

Chet came up behind him and slammed a hand down on the table next to the weary paramedic. Gage jumped and Kelly laughed.

"What's the matter with you?!" Johnny shouted.

"What's the matter with you? A little cranky aren't we, hmm?" Chet snickered.

"Aw, go clean the latrine why don't ya?"

"It's much more interesting in here. Got a little headache?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Now leave me alone."

"Well, tequila shots will do that to ya," Kelly laughed.
 
"How'd you hear about that?" John demanded, certain Roy would not have said anything.

"Aha! So it's true."

"Chet," he warned, narrowing his dark eyes.

"Oh, the Phantom knows all, or have you forgotten?" Chet asked gleefully, clearly enjoying himself.

"Chet, I'm not in the mood. You were eavesdropping in the locker room again, weren't you?"

"That's enough, you two." Cap's voice, coming unexpectedly from behind them, froze both men.

Gage dropped his head in defeat. Oh great. This is just what I need.

"John, can I see you in my office, please?" Hank turned and left the room.

Chet shook his head sadly and clucked his tongue. "You're really in for it now, Gage."

"Thanks a lot, Kelly. I won't forget this."

The Irishman left the room laughing.

Johnny slowly got up and headed for the captain's office. He paused in the doorway and rapped his knuckles on the wooden frame.

"Come in and close the door please," Cap ordered.  He gestured towards a chair and added," Sit down."

Gage did as he was told.

"Is there something you need to tell me?" It was clear Hank knew what was wrong and was simply waiting for confirmation of the facts.

John fidgeted in the chair. "Yes, sir." He related the story he had told Roy nearly word for word. "I was already so tired and one thing led to another. I just wanted her to stop crying and leave so I could go back to bed. I thought if I had one drink with her she'd settle down and let me get some sleep. But one drink became two and two became three." He shrugged helplessly.  "Sorry, Cap.  It won't happen again."

"I hope not," Cap said firmly.  Then he asked more kindly, "Are you okay to work or do I need to call in a replacement?"

Johnny thought for a minute before he answered, "I'm okay, Cap. I'm tired and have a headache but I'm fine. Really."

"Are you sure?" Hank looked his junior paramedic square in the eyes.

"Yeah."

"If for any reason you feel that you can't do your job effectively, I want to know immediately. Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir. Perfectly clear."

"Good. Now get out of here and get to work."

Gage headed for the kitchen to get started on his assigned task. Hushed voices caused him to pause just outside the door. He could hear Chet sharing his little secret with Mike and Marco, except his version was embellished.

Just great. Can't he keep his mouth shut about anything?

~~~~~~~~~~

"Station 51. Car over embankment.  Unknown injuries. Mullholland Drive, two miles past Archer's Pond. Mullholland Drive, two miles past Archer's Pond. Time out: 0935."

The squad and engine pulled out into the light morning traffic and proceeded to their destination. Each bump and rough spot in the road made Johnny's head hurt more despite the aspirin he'd taken.

Though Roy kept his attention on the road, Johnny's discomfort was not lost on him. "You gonna survive this, junior?" he asked.

"Don't worry about me; you just keep your eyes on the road," Gage replied tiredly.

When they finally arrived, there were no witnesses and no bystanders, which seemed a bit odd. There were no fresh scrapes on the dented, rusting guardrail either.

The tail end of an older model, two-door car was barely visible from the road. It was halfway down the steep hillside, a good 200 feet from where the men of Station 51 stood.  The dry brush surrounding it was a potential fire risk if the gas tank was ruptured.

Captain Stanley assessed the situation. "Looks like one of you is going to have to go down and check it out. We can't see a thing from here."

"I'll go, Cap," Roy volunteered before Johnny could open his mouth.

"Okay, pal," Hank smiled.

"Roy, I can do it," Gage said as DeSoto went to the squad and began pulling his equipment out.

"You always get to go.  And I know that you still aren't feeling all that great."

"But…"

"No buts. I said I'd go. Besides I need the practice."

"I still think…"

"Johnny, I'm going. That's final. I need you up here to tie me off and make sure I'm safe."

Gage relented, "Okay, man. If you're sure."

"I'm sure," DeSoto smiled at his partner and clapped him on the shoulder.

They gathered the necessary equipment and Johnny set to work laying out the ropes and configuring the carabiners and belay hardware in preparation for Roy's descent.

Captain Stanley walked up to John. "Everything okay here?" he asked with concern as he watched Johnny set up the climbing gear.

"Yeah, Cap. Everything's fine," he replied tying and tugging on the rope to make sure it was secure. "Looks like we got some new carabiners. They're different than the ones we normally use." He rubbed his hand on his forehead as the pounding increased again from bending over.

"Hmmm. I don't recall seeing that in the equipment log. I'll have to check into it. They gonna work out?"

"I don't see why not. They're just shaped a little different. We need to make sure Roy knows."

"Will do. You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Just about ready."

Hank trotted over to his senior medic and mentioned the slight difference in the hardware. "You ready?"

"Yeah, Cap." He prepared for his descent.

"All set, Roy. Go ahead," Johnny hollered.

Gage held fast to his partner's rope in anticipation of the added weight. Marco came up beside him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You sure?" The look on Lopez's face implied that he believed otherwise.

"Yes, I'm sure. I know what Chet said and it's not true."

"Ready to roll, Johnny," Roy called.

With that, DeSoto went over the side, sliding on some loose gravel before he got his footing. He managed to make it to the car without falling. Breathing a sigh of relief, he peered in the window on the driver's side. "I don't believe this," he mumbled. He attempted to open the door and it groaned loudly.

"Roy, what've you got?" Hank called.

"It's empty, Cap!"

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. I'm gonna tie a rope to the car and you can secure it."

"Okay, but be careful."

Once the rope was secured DeSoto got ready to climb inside. "I'm gonna go in and double check…" he stopped short when his rope slipped and he slid about two feet.

"Gage!" Cap shouted, a note of irritation in his voice. "Pay attention, will ya?"

"I am, Cap. It wasn't me!" Johnny protested.

Marco quickly got behind Gage to help. The tugging and stress on the rope increased when Roy climbed inside the car.

"Roy! Ease up a little, will ya?" Johnny yelled.

Marco noticed that the extra movement was causing them to have trouble maintaining the stability of the rope. "Cap? What's he doing down there?" he asked.

"He's inside of the car. He should be out in a minute. You guys holding up okay?"

Marco answered, "Yeah Cap. We're okay, but tell him to take it easy. He's giving us quite a workout." To Gage he added, "Good thing this rope is tied off to the engine."

"Yeah."

Several minutes later, Roy emerged from the car. "Cap!" he yelled. "It's empty. I don't think anyone's been in it for a while. Even the radio is gone."

"Okay. C'mon back up."

Roy grabbed the rope and started to pull himself up the hill. The line jerked and sudden shift caught DeSoto unaware and he lost his grip.

Fear swept over Roy as the rope went slack. One minute he was making progress up the slope and the next he was plummeting to the bottom of the hill.

The crew up on the road watched in horror as their friend plunged into the ravine below.

~~~~~~~~~

“Roy!” Johnny yelled, as he stared in disbelief at the spot where his partner had just been. He peered over the side of the embankment for only a second. DeSoto was flat on his back at the bottom of the hill, past the abandoned car; he moved an arm slightly. "Don't MOVE, Roy! I'm coming to get you!"

His headache and dizziness forgotten, John ran over to the squad and grabbed a safety belt, then continued over to Chet and Marco. “Quick, tie me off,” Johnny said, as he clipped the belt around his waist. "I'm gonna need a c-collar, backboard, and stokes."

Marco took off to collect the supplies.

“What the hell happened?” Captain Stanley asked, as he ran over to the younger paramedic.

Johnny stared at his superior, not sure what to say. Instead, he silently continued to get ready, pulling his gloves on tightly.

"John?" Cap asked seriously when no answer came. "You okay?"

Johnny wasn't sure what his captain meant by the question. "Yeah," he answered quickly as he headed toward the edge. "I'm fine." He yanked on his rope, making sure it was securely fastened to the engine. "Send the stokes down when I reach bottom."

Chet and Mike silently took up position on Johnny's rope, and held fast while the paramedic started his descent.

As soon as he reached bottom John unhooked the lifeline. "I'm down!" he shouted as he made his way to his partner's side. "Send down the stokes!" He heard the metal basket bumping its way down the hillside rather than witnessed it; all he was looking at was Roy. The light-haired man's face was clenched in an expression of extreme agony.

"Roy? Come on, talk to me. Tell me where you hurt."

The injured man opened his eyes and looked at his partner. "It's my back, Johnny. I really did it this time."

"Shut up, Roy," Gage chided. "You don't know that. Where else? Anywhere else? You hit your head?" He started feeling his friend's head for bumps, and then moved to his extremities to look for fractures.

"Just my back," DeSoto promised. "Right in the middle."

The stokes reached the bottom of the ravine with a thud, landing about ten feet away. "All right, you just hang tight. I'll be right back." John got up and ran to the stokes, unfastening the equipment Marco had packed inside, including the drug box and biophone. He glanced back at his partner, then pulled out the HT and keyed the mic.

"Engine 51, this is HT 51."

"Go ahead John," came Cap's reply.

"Cap, Roy has a back injury. I don't know how bad yet, but he's in a lot of pain. Any chance we can get a chopper in here? I don't want to have to carry him back up the hill if we can help it."

"I'll check it out," the captain promised. "You need help down there?"

"Yeah. I need help getting him onto a backboard. I don't want to make it any worse than it is now."

"Marco's on the way down."

John slipped the radio's strap around his wrist, grabbed the drug box and biophone, and headed back to his partner. He didn't speak as he fitted the cervical collar around his friend's neck, and pulled the BP cuff out of the box.

"I'm gonna get your vitals. How you doing?" John pumped up the cuff, so Roy had to wait to answer.

"Hurts," he finally said.

John nodded and looked for a long second at Roy's feet before finally asking the question he was dreading. "Roy, can you move your feet for me?"

They were the longest seconds of John's life, he was sure, but eventually both feet moved up and down. Gage allowed a grin. "Good deal," he breathed out with a sigh as he picked up the biophone's receiver.

~~~~~~~~~~

Gage had just established the ordered IV when Marco arrived.

"Cap says there's a 15-minute wait on a chopper, and no guarantee they'd find a place to land, anyway. He said we can call in another engine if you think more manpower will help."

"Johnny," came Roy's quiet voice from the ground. "Just get me out of here."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Just put me on the board, load me in the stokes, and get me topside." He let out a pain-filled gasp.

"Okay, okay."

With Marco's help John got Roy secured to the backboard. Soon enough they were making the trip up the hill, slowly and deliberately so as to minimize further trauma to Roy's back. The ambulance was waiting, and Roy was immediately loaded inside. Gage had to stop and take off his climbing gear, but was soon ready to follow.

"John," Cap stopped him just as he was about to climb in the back of the truck. "I'll want to discuss what happened here."

Johnny stopped for only a second, then nodded and climbed inside. Of course Cap would want to talk about it. So would he. He had no idea what had happened, and he wanted to know, too.

"How ya doin', Roy?" Gage asked as he took his seat.

"Not so good," came the surprising answer.

"What's the matter?"

"I can't move 'em any more, Johnny," Roy said. His voice was far too calm considering what he was saying. The ambulance lunged into motion before he could finish the sentence.

"I can't move my feet."

~~~~~~~~~~


Kelly Brackett didn’t like what came over the base station speaker when Johnny reported the latest on Roy. He turned to Dixie, who was standing behind and to the right of him, a clipboard in her hand.

“It’s not sounding good, Dix. If this is a permanent condition for Roy, not only is his career over, but imagine the impact it’ll have on his family.”

Dixie frowned and nodded. “Not to mention the guy whose care he’s in right now. Johnny will be devastated.”

Brackett sighed as he turned his attention back to the base station and waited for more from Gage.

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny took Roy’s shoes off and performed a quick reflex test. The results weren't good and he reported his finding to Brackett with a heavy heart. He knew as well as any doctor that the situation didn't look good.

 
“Shouldn’t be much longer, Roy, and we’ll have you at Rampart.” He tried to be reassuring.

Roy nodded, his demeanor still unnaturally calm.

Gage tried to push the thoughts of a permanently paralyzed Roy out of his mind, but the image kept coming back. God, what if this is it for his career? What’ll this do to Joanne and the kids?

Johnny found himself having to concentrate hard to not show the fear he was feeling. The worst thing he could do right now was to allow Roy to see how worried he was.  He reminded himself over and over that until the x-rays were completed and other tests were run, no one would be sure of anything.

~~~~~~~~~~


The ambulance ride seemed to take forever.  Roy remained quiet throughout while Johnny, in an attempt to compensate for his partner's silence, began to jabber away. He spoke of baseball, and the Dodgers, and whether or not Tommy Lasorda still had it.

"You know, Roy, I think the guy has pasta on the brain! There's no way he should have let Don Sutton bat for himself in the game last night. I mean, he's the pitcher for cryin' out loud, and they had a chance to score, right?"

Neither man was much of a Dodger fan, but it gave Johnny something to focus on besides the fact that his partner lay before him paralyzed. Throughout his monologue, Johnny continuously monitored Roy's vitals as he kept busy and in constant motion during the length of the ride. Roy, on the other hand, lay still, not murmuring a sound, not moving a muscle.

By the time they reached Rampart's emergency room bay area, Johnny had checked Roy's vitals half a dozen times. When he hadn't been busy with that, Johnny had stared at Roy's legs with an intensity that bore right through him.

Roy gave no evidence of noticing; he was too immersed in his own thoughts. Flashes of memories crossed Roy's mind.

Spending the day on the beach with the kids building sandcastles and jumping the waves. Taking sunset walks with Jo.

Dancing with Jennifer when she positioned her feet on his big black shoes so he could 'lead'.

Tossing a football around with Chris and watching his son take a flying leap right at him in an attempt to tackle his daddy to the ground. Playing a round of tennis with Jo knowing that she let him win.

Lying in bed on Sunday mornings enjoying cuddles with the kids amid the Sunday papers and funnies. Lying in bed, making love with Jo.

The doors of the ambulance slammed open and the orderlies appeared along with Brackett and Early.

"Hey there, Roy. How are you doing?" asked Dr. Early wearing his usual earnest smile.

"Okay, Doc. Can't feel my legs though."

"So we've heard. Well, we're going to bring you into treatment room three and check you over real carefully, okay?"

"Sure, Doc. Whatever you say."

Johnny couldn't help but wonder why his partner seemed so complacent when all he wanted to do was scream and curse and break things. It hit Johnny at that very moment that something already was very likely broken, and it scared the hell out of him.

Gage wondered how his friend would cope if the paralysis was permanent, how he himself would cope if Roy could no longer be his partner. He cringed a bit at his own selfishness.

"Johnny, let's go!" Brackett called out to the paramedic who was still holding the IVs in his hand. John responded to the doctor's words woodenly.

He followed them into the treatment room and hung the fluids onto the IV stand and then stepped back and watched the team go to work.

"Where the hell is x-ray?" Brackett shouted. "I told them we'd need a portable unit ASAP! When they get here, Dix, we're going to need AP and cross-table lateral views of his entire spine."

Dixie nodded as she wrote down the orders and then moved over to the phone to urge the techs to get downstairs before Brackett had someone's head on the chopping block.

In their rush to tend to their patient, the hospital staff had all but forgotten that Johnny was still in the room.

John stood in the corner, watching intently as his partner was examined and treated.  He wasn't at all sure he liked what he was seeing. Roy still hadn't moved. Not at all. And he was still so quiet, so accepting. It made Johnny uneasy. What could be going through Roy's mind?

And then Early asked the question that answered it all. "Roy, can you tell us what happened?"

DeSoto hesitated for a few moments as he tried to gather his thoughts then began describing what had happened on Mulholland Drive. 

Dixie raised an eyebrow in surprise when she heard that it had been Roy who'd gone over the side of the embankment instead of his lightweight and more agile partner.  "I thought that part of the job was usually left to your other half."

No one acknowledged that Roy's 'other half' was still in the room, listening to DeSoto's version of events with his heart in his throat.

"Not this time. This time my partner was," Roy hesitated for a moment and then simply said, "I decided to take on this one."

"You fell?" Dr. Early surmised.

Roy tried to nod, the motion aborted by the cervical collar he wore.  He told them how that rope and slipped and finally given way sending him crashing to the bottom of the ravine.

"What happened?" asked Brackett. "Did the line break?

"I-I'm not sure," Roy admitted.  "I don't think so.  It just gave way."

Johnny's heart skipped a beat. Roy blames me. He thinks I screwed up and it's my fault. He gasped aloud and it was at that moment the staff realized the younger paramedic was still present. The tension in the room was suddenly palpable.

"Dix, how about you get John a cup of coffee," said Dr. Early.

Gage took one small step and stopped. As much as he feared the truth, he had to know. Johnny looked down at his partner and tried to ask. "Roy? Roy, you don't think…"

Roy closed his eyes. He didn't want to; it was simply his only means of escape since his head was taped down to keep him immobilized. At that moment Roy needed an escape, because as much as he didn't want to believe that his partner played a role in his injury, it seemed to be the most logical explanation so far.

Roy didn't need to say a thing; Johnny understood his partner's silence perfectly. He left the room without another word.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Johnny?"

He jumped at the sound of Dixie's voice, so caught up in his own troubled musings that he hadn't heard her approach.

"Sorry," she said with a gentle smile. "Didn't mean to startle you. Looks like you were a million miles away."

The nurse studied him closely. She wondered if it was possible that he was somehow responsible for Roy's injuries.  No. She shook her head.  No, whatever had happened, it had to have been an accident and she wasn't going to judge Johnny until she knew all the facts. "C'mon," she said, putting her arm through his and leading him away from the exam room. "Let me buy you that cup of coffee."

Sitting in the hospital cafeteria a few minutes later, Dixie watched Johnny distractedly play with his cup of coffee. He had only taken a sip or two and had not even touched the pastry she had also supplied. This was definitely not the John Gage she had grown so fond of over the years. Whatever was on his mind, she thought it might help him to talk about it. Hesitantly she tried to find a way to broach the subject without sounding as if she was accusing him. After several minutes of trying to find the right words, she finally just came right out and asked, "Johnny? What happened out there?"

He looked up at her from his now lukewarm coffee. Many emotions fluttered across his face and his voice was rough and almost didn't cooperate as he said, "Dix, I really don't wanna talk about it."

"C'mon, Johnny," she coaxed. 

Too many years of losing arguments to Dixie McCall convinced that he wasn't going to win this one either. Still, he had to try. "I don't want to talk about it," he repeated.

"Why not? It might help. And you know I'm a good listener."

He shoved the coffee cup away and pushed his chair back.  "I should get back to Roy."

"Johnny, you know that x-ray was coming and you'd only be in the way.  Try and relax for a few minutes.  Drink your coffee," she pushed the cup back towards him, "and talk to me.  Tell me what happened."

"It was just like Roy said."

"He didn't say much of anything," Dix pointed out quietly. "Like why he went down after that car and not you.  Don't you usually do that sort of thing?"

Johnny shook his head, "Roy has the same training as I do. Just because it's me who usually goes, doesn't mean it always has to be me." He was getting frustrated. How many times would he be rehashing this?

"I understand that, it's just…"

"I know, Dix," he said rubbing his temples. "I know, it's usually good 'ol Gage."

"What's the matter? You feeling all right?" she asked with motherly concern.

Johnny almost laughed. Boy, now was that a loaded question or what? "Nothing. Got a headache that's all."

"Does that have anything to do with you staying up top this morning?"

"Maybe. I'm okay now." He was playing with his coffee cup again.

"So what happened out there? Why did the rope give way?"

"I honestly don't know. I mean, I had him tied off correctly and everything was fine at first. Then it slipped or something and the next thing I know, he was falling. It was awful."

"I'm sure it was."

"I put that rigging together properly, Dix," he insisted.  "I know I did."

"Are you sure you might not have made a mistake?" she asked compassionately, reaching across the table to touch his hand.  "After all, nobody is perfect, Johnny."

"Yes! Yes, damn it! I'm sure. More sure of this than anything in my life," he said hotly, pulling his hand back from hers. 

Dixie sat stunned. She'd seen Gage angry before but never directed towards her. Beneath the anger, she saw sincerity and pain in his dark eyes. She knew that Johnny would never be careless on the job, especially where Roy's safety was concerned. Even if her fears were correct and he had somehow made an error, she knew was that John Gage always accepted responsibility for his mistakes. If he were responsible for what had happened to his partner, he'd never forgive himself.

How is he going to handle all this if Roy is never able to walk again?

Johnny looked up, his expression a bit sheepish. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Didn't mean to snarl at you like that. It’s just that I didn't do ANYTHING wrong, Dix. I swear I didn't. I don't understand what happened but I know it wasn't my fault. And it just seems like nobody wants to believe me."

"It's okay," she reassured him. "You're entitled to be a little out of sorts." She noticed him rubbing his forehead.  "If that headache is still bothering you, Dr. Morton can have a look at you, maybe give you something for the pain."

"No thanks. It's not that bad, really. And Roy needs help more than I do."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, let me know."

"I will." Johnny glanced at the wall clock.  "You suppose they're done with those x-rays yet?"

"I don't know. Why don't we go find out?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Turning the corner, Johnny saw Cap and the rest of the crew waiting in the hall outside of the room in which his partner was lying. He felt his pulse begin to race and wondered just what the other guys were thinking.

I know I didn't do anything wrong. Will they?

Cap was the first to notice Johnny's approach. He pushed away from the wall he'd been leaning on and met the paramedic halfway down the hall. "Dr. Brackett told us about Roy," he said grimly. "They're almost done with the x-rays so hopefully we'll know more soon."

Johnny could see the rest of his shift-mates over Cap's shoulder, could see them watching him with expressions that were a jumble of conflicting emotions: fear, anger, sympathy and -- Johnny swallowed hard -- and blame. He didn't trust himself to speak so he simply nodded in response to the captain's words.

"I put the squad out of service," Hank continued, "until we can get replacements in for you and Roy. I thought you'd want to stay here with him."

Johnny nodded silently again.

He startled when Hank's hand fell on his shoulder. "John, I don't know exactly what happened out there today," the captain said soberly. "But we'll figure it out. And whatever did happen, I want you to know I'll stand beside you, okay? I'm not going to let you face this alone."

Gage finally found his voice, though it was thick with emotion. "Thanks, Cap, but I didn't do anything wrong. I swear it. That rigging was done properly, just like it always is. I checked it three times before I let Roy go down that bank."

"Okay, son." Hank tried to smile but didn't quite succeed. "But let's not worry about it now, all right? Let's concentrate on Roy and worry about all the rest of it later."

"Y-yeah, all right."

Stanley squeezed Johnny's shoulder again and then dropped his hand. "There's a three alarmer down in the garment district and we have to cover our territory plus 44's," he said, unclipping the HT from his belt and handing it to Gage. "We're gonna have to head out soon and we'll probably be out of the station the next couple of hours. You keep us posted, okay?"

"Of course."

"Good." Hank rubbed his hands together nervously. "Now, before we go, I need to call Joanne. Is there a phone around here where I can have some privacy?"

"I'll do it."

"You sure, pal?

"Yeah," Johnny nodded. "Yeah, I'll do it. Chet drove the squad in from the scene, right?"

"Uh huh."

"I'll drive it back to the station, pick up my car and go get Jo. She'll need a ride anyway. Her car's been acting up. I was, uh, was gonna go over tomorrow and help Roy give it a tune-up."

"All right, John. If you're sure."

"I am."

"Thanks, pal. And tell Jo that if she needs anything… anything at all…"

"I'll tell her."

~~~~~~~~~~

Joanne DeSoto was in her front yard weeding the flowerbeds when Johnny pulled up. She glanced up at the sound of his car door and from twenty feet away he could see the color drain from her face. She lurched unsteadily to her feet as he approached, eyes wide with terror. She clapped a hand over her mouth, smearing her face with soil.

"Jo."

She flinched and backed away when Johnny reached for her. "No!" she cried out, her voice high and shrill. "No, no, no, no…" She continued to back away, as if, by avoiding him she could avoid what he'd come to tell her. "NO,NO,NO…" her voice grew increasingly louder each time she said the word and Gage was vaguely aware of the woman next door dropping her laundry basket and running towards them.

"Joanne," he said again, catching her arm and tugging her towards him, gently but firmly. "Jo, listen to me. He's not dead. He's alive. He's hurt and we don't know for sure how bad it is, but he's alive."

As his words began to sink in, all the fight went out of her and Joanne collapsed against him. She would have fallen if not for his arms closing tightly around her. The neighbor, Johnny thought her name might be Millie, helped him lead Jo into the house and settle her on the sofa with a glass of water.

"What happened?" Joanne demanded when she'd calmed herself enough to speak.

Johnny crouched in front of her, took her hands in his, and told her.

"Oh God," she raised a trembling hand to her face, smearing the garden soil across her damp cheek even more. "I have to go to him."

"I'll take you."

"I just…" her hands fluttered nervously around her head as she realized what she must look like, "I just have to freshen up first. I can't let Roy see me like this."

"I'll help you," Millie said, her voice thick with compassionate tears.

"Take your time," Johnny said gently. "I'll wait."

As he watched the two women leave the room, he remembered that the neighbor had lost her own husband the previous year. Joanne had come close to being a widow too and the thought sent a shiver down his spine. What would happen to Jo if her husband's paralysis were permanent? She had married Roy right out of high school and, except for a year or two clerking part time in a department store before the children were born, she'd never worked outside the home. How would she support herself and her family with no marketable skills?

Gage dropped onto the sofa and ran a shaky hand through his hair. This day couldn't get any worse, could it?

~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Early met them in the hallway and Johnny could tell by the expression on his face that the news wasn't good.

"I know you're anxious to see Roy," the doctor told Joanne as he steered her toward the lounge, "and I'll take you to him in just a minute. But I'd like to talk to you first."

"O-okay." Jo's voice quivered with apprehension.

Johnny hesitated in the doorway, unsure of his welcome, but Joanne grabbed his hand and tugged him in to sit beside her on the cracked leather sofa.

Early drew up a chair and perched on the edge of it. "Johnny told you that Roy is paralyzed?"

"Yes. He said you didn't know why yet or if it's permanent."

"I've just spoken with Roy and I'll tell you what I told him," Early said kindly. "As much as I wish I could give you definite answers the truth is that we just don't know why Roy is paralyzed. The x-rays show that his fourth lumbar vertebrae," he indicated a spot near his waist," is fractured."

Johnny's heart constricted as Joanne gasped in distress.  He squeezed her hand tightly as she moaned, "Oh no."

Early leaned forward and laid a comforting hand on Jo's knee. "It might not be as bad as it sounds," he told her encouragingly. "Roy has what's called a compression fracture."

A tiny spark of hope flared inside Johnny. Compression fractures, he knew, were usually relatively minor. If a broken back could be called minor. The body of the vertebrae literally collapsed, or compressed, down on its self. There was almost never enough displacement of bone fragments to cause spinal cord damage and, except in rare cases, the treatment was simple bed rest and a gradual return to normal activity.

Early explained just that to Joanne who listened intently and then asked the question that was nagging Johnny. "But then why is he paralyzed?"

Dr. Early shook his head. "I just don't know. It's possible there is a bone fragment compressing the cord and we just can't see it on x-ray. It's also possible that Roy has something called spinal shock. The trauma of the fall literally stunned his spinal cord to such an extent it can't function properly. If that's the case, there's every chance he'll make a full recovery."

"Is there anything you can do? Any more tests?"

"Right now, as frustrating as it is for all of us, the best thing we can do is nothing. We're going to fit Roy with a back brace that will support and protect his spine, we'll give him some medication that will help reduce any swelling of the cord that might have developed and we'll wait to see what happens. If it is spinal shock, he should have a gradual return of sensation over the next two or three days. If it's not…"

"If it's not, my husband will never walk again," Jo said bleakly.

~~~~~~~~~~

Joanne opened the door to Roy's room. Johnny was reluctant to join her but she grabbed his hand and pulled him along with her. They approached the bed and found Roy awake and staring up at the ceiling.

"Hi, sweetheart", Joanne smiled down at Roy with tears in her eyes and a hitch in her voice.

"Hi yourself," Roy returned with a small smile. He noticed Johnny standing behind Joanne.

"Hey, Roy," Johnny tried to put on his best face as he talked to his friend.

"John," Roy's reply was abrupt and uncomfortable.

Joanne noticed the interaction between the two and became concerned when she heard Roy's curt tone. "What's going on?" Joanne's heart started pounding in her chest. "Roy? Johnny? What's going on here?"

Reluctantly, Johnny explained why Roy had volunteered to go down the embankment and that he'd been the one who'd set up Roy's rigging. "But I swear, Joanne, all I had was a headache.  If I felt I wouldn't be able to function to my full capacity, I would've had Cap call in a replacement. And I checked the ropes three times before Roy went down and everything was fine. You know I wouldn't let anything happen to him."

Roy didn't say a word; he simply snorted in disbelief.

"Roy! You honestly don't believe that Johnny would do anything like this on purpose, do you?"

"Frankly, Joanne, I don't know what else to believe." Roy told her, studiously avoiding eye contact with his partner.

Johnny couldn't believe what he was hearing from his best friend. He felt sick to his stomach and he had to get out of the room.  "I, um, I'll stop by later to see you, Roy." 

Johnny turned to leave but felt Joanne's hand on his arm. "Johnny, just give him time," she whispered. "I'm sure he really doesn't blame you.  He's just scared and confused right now.  He just needs to rest like Dr. Early said and take one day at a time."

Johnny nodded, not trusting himself to speak, and ducked out the door. The stress of the day drove him into the men's room where he leaned over the sink and sucked in deep breaths, fighting off a sudden urge to vomit and failing. 

He roughly pushed open the door of the nearest stall and dropped to his knees, heaving. Since he'd had nothing to eat or drink all day, save for a few swallows of coffee, the violent action was ineffective other than causing his chest and ribs to ache.

When the retching finally ceased, he rose on shaky legs and made his way back to the sink. The cool water felt great on his face. He cupped his hands and drank deeply. Grabbing some paper towels he dried off.

A hand on his shoulder startled him and looking up, he saw Dr. Mike Morton's reflection in the mirror along with his own.

"You okay, John? Joanne was pretty concerned about you."

"Me? Why would she be concerned about me?"

"Why wouldn't she be worried?" the doctor asked curiously.

"Because they blame me," he answered quietly.

"Who?  Roy and Joanne?" Morton stared at him incredulously. "I can't believe that. Did they accuse you?"

"No, Doc. They didn't have to. Their eyes said it all." The dark-haired paramedic turned to face the man addressing him. "I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what happened but it's not my fault! Why is everyone so quick to judge me?"

"Look, Johnny, I don't know what happened, but until all the facts are in you aren't guilty of anything. I'm certainly not judging you."

Dr. Morton's honesty and candor surprised him, and Gage looked at him sometime nemesis with gratitude.

Trying to lighten the mood Morton said, "Don't take this wrong, but you look a little rough. When did you eat last?"

"Not sure," was his reply.

"We're going to the cafeteria and you're going to eat something. Doctor's orders, Gage!"

"Yes, sir." A faint smile appeared on the paramedic's face as he followed the doctor out into the hall.

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny managed to eat half a sandwich while he and Morton shared coffee and small talk.

"Joanne was really worried about you.  You should go talk to her."

John Gage nodded his head, even though his heart doubted he'd be welcome.

"It's gonna be okay, John."

~~~~~~~~~~

They returned to the waiting area on the fourth floor where Roy's room was located. Joanne was standing in the hall talking to a nurse. She smiled at the two men as they approached.

"Look who I found," Morton said as he smiled warmly at Jo. "John, I'm going back downstairs now. You know where to find me if you need anything, right?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Doc," Johnny said quietly as Morton took his leave.

Joanne put her hand on his arm. He tried to move away but she held fast to it.  "Johnny, we need to talk."

He sighed and nodded.

She led him to a couple of vacant seats in the far corner. "Johnny…"

"Joanne…"

They began to speak simultaneously then stopped and exchanged an awkward smile.  Gage gestured for Joanne to go first.

She laid a hand on his arm. "Johnny, I had a long talk with Roy after you left. I really don't think he blames you for what happened. I don't believe it either."

"He does, Jo. I could hear it in his voice."

"He's tired. He's in pain and," she paused, her voice quavering, "and he's scared to death." She glanced away and tried to compose herself. "I'm scared too," she confessed.

"You know, I am too." Jo's hand still rested on his arm and Johnny covered it with his own hand.  "I didn't make any mistakes, Jo. I checked that rigging. If I weren't very sure about it, I never would have let him go down. Maybe someday he'll understand that, but for now I think my being here just makes him uncomfortable and maybe I better stay away. He needs to concentrate on his recovery and seeing me will only make it worse. If you could let me know how he's doing, I'd appreciate it, okay?"

Joanne gazed at him sadly. "I think you're wrong, Johnny, and I hope you'll change your mind. But I won't fight you on this. And of course I'll let you know the minute there's any news."

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny cautiously opened the door to Roy's room. Seeing that his partner was asleep, he took a deep breath and approached the bed. 

"Roy?" he said softly.  "I'm sorry this had to happen to you. If I could trade places with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know you think this is my fault." The hitch in his voice was unmistakable.  "I wish I could convince you it wasn't.  I might've been a little under the weather this morning but my mind was clear when I set up the ropes. I would've never let you go if I wasn't completely sure it was safe. Someday I hope you'll be able to believe that.  But until then I won't bother you." He reached out hesitantly, his fingertips hovered an inch above Roy's shoulder for a second, then pulled back without making contact.  "Take care of yourself," he said quietly before turning and leaving the room.

Dixie was walking down the hall and saw his exit from Roy's room. "Johnny?" she asked with concern.

He held up a hand. "Not now Dix, okay? I need to get out of here. I'll talk to you later."

The nurse frowned as she watched him leave. Entering the room she couldn't help notice that the sandy-haired man's eyes quickly closed when she neared the bed. Tears glittered on his eyelashes and he was obviously feigning sleep. She glanced at the monitor mounted on the wall above the bed. His BP and heart rate were a bit high, but not enough to warrant a call to the doctor. Stress, she surmised. Whatever had just happened had troubled both paramedics. Dix patted Roy's arm and quietly slipped from the room leaving the injured man to his thoughts.

Roy had heard every word Johnny had said. He wished that he'd had the courage to speak up and let his friend know that he was listening. He was angry, scared and it hurt so damn bad. Maybe he shouldn't be angry with his partner, but Johnny was the one who set up the ropes. Someone had to be at fault, and who else was there to blame?

But the more he thought about it and what Joanne had said to him earlier, the more he realized that he was to blame as well. He'd known Johnny wasn't feeling well and yet he'd never thought to help set up the rigging or double check his partner's work. 

How can I let him think I totally blame him? He's my best friend for Pete's sake! When Jo comes back we need to talk and then I need to talk to Johnny. But what if he won't come back? 

~~~~~~~~~~

He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. What had he done to deserve all of this? He distinctly remembered checking the rope; double-checking everything to make sure it was secure. What in the hell had happened?

His hands twisted the steering column, the nervous energy and anger a bad combination. They hadn't said he was at fault, no one had actually walked up to him and spit in his face, but he could tell. He could feel their doubts. He could see it in their posture. The way they would avert their eyes when he looked their way.

"Damn it!" Punching the dashboard with a fist, he shook his hand out as his knuckles stung. "Man, this is all I need." Flexing his fingers, he blew out a breath, giving thanks that he hadn't been jackass enough to break a finger or blow out a joint. There was nothing more humiliating than a guy breaking his hand over something stupid like being angry.

Taking a few deep breaths, Johnny tried to think of something, anything, to get his mind off of what was happening. He thought about the cute nurse he'd met in the cafeteria last week, but all that did was make him think of Rampart. Then he pictured Roy lying stiff as a board on the table, unable to move.

By the time he made it home to his apartment, he was shaking. He wanted to scream at someone that he didn't do anything wrong. He wanted to grab the nearest person and yell in their face that he had done everything right.

Jumping out of the Rover, he practically ran into his apartment. He had to do something or he'd go crazy.

Making his way to the bedroom, he pulled out a pair of shorts, a tank top and his running shoes. Quickly changing, he made his way out of the apartment and back into the Rover for the short ride to the track at the high school only a few miles away.

After parking, Gage made his way to the track and settled into his warm-up routine. If he were going to run, he wasn't about to go off half-cocked and tear a ligament of pull a muscle. He was there to relieve the stress, not add to it.

As he moved and reached downward, he could feel the tension beginning to lessen. With each twist and stretch, he modulated his breathing, counting and concentrating on the way his body moved and reacted to each exercise.

With a few bounces in place, he knew he was ready. Walking out onto the track, he began a slow jog, thinking about the way the ground felt beneath his feet. The way the dirt shifted and moved as he made contact.

His thoughts then moved to the way the ground had shifted beneath Roy's feet. His downward slide, the impact, the look of pain and fear in his partner's eyes when he had gone down to help him. Then the accusatory stare.

As his thoughts darkened, his pace increased. He wasn't even aware of what he was doing. His slow jog became a racing sprint around the track, his feet swiftly covering the distance, stride for stride, thought for thought, he ran like his life depended on it.

He didn't know how long he had been running or how far he had gone, when the screaming pain in his lungs demanded his attention. He came to a stumbling stop. His hands clasped his thighs just above the knees, his legs shook and he drew deep ragged breaths.

"Nice butt."

Looking under his arm, he caught the eyes of two young women as they jogged past him. He started laughing and coughing at the same time. Shaking his head, he straightened and began to walk down the track, trying to slow his heart rate down. His eyes followed the two women as they moved away from him.

Feeling a bit self-conscious, he pulled the back of his shorts down a bit. Maybe he would start wearing sweatpants when he ran. As he continued cooling down, he felt the irritating rub of his jockstrap against his sweat soaked skin. Looking around, he quickly pulled at the elastic, trying to keep it from rubbing him raw.

Pulling his tank top off, he wiped it across his face to remove the sweat that was dripping into his eyes. The painful sting was a reminder that he was alive. That he could feel things. He continued to use the shirt to wipe the sweat off his neck and chest.

As he walked back to the Rover, he had to admit that he felt better now that he had been able to run some of his anger off. Now that his mind was clear, maybe he could figure out what had gone wrong. He knew he hadn't been at fault. If it wasn't him, then what had caused Roy's accident?

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny looked at his alarm clock for the hundredth time and saw that it was 1:00 in the morning. He didn't think he'd slept at all since going to bed at 10:00 the night before.   He lay on his back, hands behind his head, as he thought about his days off which he'd mostly spent watching television, puttering around his apartment and making a few phone calls to Rampart to check on Roy.

Johnny had to admit that if anyone asked him what he'd watched on television, he wouldn’t be able to tell them. His mind had been miles away and he'd barely paid attention to what was happening on the screen. All his thoughts were on the rescue and what went wrong with the rope at the scene. First chance he got, he was going to check out the other ropes and equipment.

Opening his eyes, Johnny once again looked at the clock: 4:15. He'd actually managed to doze off and get a couple hours of sleep but he didn't feel the least bit rested. No matter. He was awake now and felt a need to get up and start the day.

After starting the coffee maker, Johnny got in the shower, the steamy water running over his tired, aching muscles. Funny thing was, he hadn't known he was achy till now. Johnny chalked it up to his run two days ago and worries about Roy. He knew mental stress could very well produce physical reactions like that.

Once he was out of the shower, Johnny made his way to the kitchen, grabbed a cup of coffee and plopped down at the table.  It wasn't even 5:00 yet and much too early to show up at the station. The paramedic sat back and sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny felt his stomach knot up as he pulled into the parking lot of the station and it only got worse as he got out of the car and approached the building. He attributed it to the knowledge his regular partner wouldn’t be coming in to work; he was lying in Rampart Hospital paralyzed.

Swinging the door to the locker room open, the paramedic made an attempt at light conversation with the three firemen who were there.

“Good mornin’.”

“You look tired,” Chet commented. “Another shift with a headache or are you okay this time?”

Johnny looked hesitantly at Chet, then Marco and Mike. He was surprised that the three men looked like they wanted a serious answer. “I’m okay, why?”

“Nothin’. We just want to make sure your mind’s where it should be, Johnny,” Mike explained.

Marco nodded in agreement. “How’s Roy?”

“Um, Dix said no change yesterday, but it’ll take time before we know.”

“Well, I hope no one else from this shift ends up at Rampart,” Chet commented.

Chet and Marco headed out towards the apparatus bay, leaving an open-mouthed Johnny behind. Gage glanced over at Mike, who in turn shrugged.

Johnny looked at the door where the other two had gone out.

What did he mean by that? Am I right? Do they think I did something wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~

John quickly changed and headed into the day room. He didn’t even know who his temporary partner was going to be, but found his answer sitting at the table drinking coffee. It was Dan “Mitch” Mitchelson, someone Gage had worked with enough times that the newness of working together was gone, but not enough times that they were actually friends.

“Hey,” the man greeted when he saw his partner enter the room.

“Mitch,” John acknowledged. “Welcome aboard.”

“Yeah, thanks. Damn shame about DeSoto. How’s he doin’?”

Johnny shrugged. “Good as can be expected, I guess.” He turned his back on the men at the table to pour a cup of coffee for himself.

“What the hell happened, anyway?” he heard Mitch ask. He didn’t turn, didn’t acknowledge the question in any way. He just stirred his black coffee with a spoon, and waited.

Finally, Chet spoke. “Beats the hell out of me,” he said. Without turning John could envision his friend’s wide, innocent eyes and exaggerated shrug. But Kelly wasn’t finished yet. “Johnny?” he added.

Gage dropped the spoon, letting it settle into his mug, and took a deep breath before he turned. He took in the three faces looking earnestly for an answer -- an answer he didn’t have.

“He fell,” was all he said. “He fell.” John looked at his watch. “Time for roll call,” he announced, and he left the room as quickly as he could without making his discomfort too obvious.

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny had finished his assigned duty in record time. He couldn’t ever remember stripping and changing the dorm beds faster; but he’d had something else he needed to do.

He had all the climbing gear laid out in the apparatus bay, and was going over each piece with a fine-tooth comb. The answer had to be here. He inspected every inch of every rope, checked the mechanism on every carabiner. Sure, the new ones were shaped oddly, but they worked. They all worked.

“Already did that,” came Cap’s voice, suddenly startling the paramedic. He looked up and found Hank Stanley leaning on the side mirror of the squad.

“Yeah?” Gage asked.

“Yeah. Everything looks okay.”

“I know,” John agreed, not even bothering to hide the disappointment from his voice.

“Look, John, why don’t you stow that gear and join me in my office.”

The paramedic nodded without looking up, and started to recoil the ropes. When Cap started to retreat, John stole a look at the man’s back, and tried to gauge the man’s tone. He hadn’t been angry, hadn’t been accusatory, hadn’t even been 'official'.

He’d sounded… well, like a man who had a really unpleasant task to do. Johnny stowed the climbing gear, taking great care to make sure everything was in its proper place and secure. Then he headed toward the office.

He’d just appeared in the open office door when the klaxons sounded, sending the squad on a run.

~~~~~~~~~~

“If you want to go up and say ‘hi’ to Roy, I’ll wait down here,” Mitchelson kindly offered after they’d safely delivered their women with abdominal pains into the hands of Rampart’s doctors.

Johnny considered it for a moment. He could maybe run up and see if Joanne was outside the room, maybe find out how Roy was doing.

“Hi, fellas,” Dixie greeted, coming up behind them before Gage had a chance to respond. “Been up to see Roy yet?” the woman asked him.

“Uhhh, no. Not yet. How’s he doing?”

“Pretty good, I think. They’ve finally got the brace fitted properly. It was digging into his sides. And his pain’s under control so he's feeling a little better.”

She didn’t say anything about the paralysis, and that fact was not lost on Johnny. But he didn’t… no, he couldn’t… bring himself to ask.

Mitch, however, could. “And the paralysis?”

“Not much change,” Dix admitted with just a hint of sadness in her voice. “But it’s only been two days. It’s still early.” She paused for a minute, and then forced a smile to her face. “Why don’t you two go on up and say hello? I’m sure Roy would like the company.”

Mitch was about to agree; John knew he was. And that’s why he suddenly had to speak up. “Uhhh, we can’t,” he said suddenly. “We need to get back to the station.”

Johnny walked away before either person could try and change his mind.

~~~~~~~~~~

He looked in the day room first, but Cap wasn’t there. Johnny had secretly hoped the engine would be out on a run, but his luck wasn’t that good. He knew the man wouldn’t be in the dorm or the locker room, which only left one place.

Gage went and peered around the corner, and there he was, sitting behind his desk, staring at a piece of paper there. Johnny cleared his voice.

Looking up, Hank asked, “Hey John, how’d it go?”

“Uh, okay. Routine. You know.”

The captain nodded. “Pull up a chair, pal.”

John approached, then looked back at the door. “Open or closed?” he asked. The answer, he hoped, would give him some idea of what he was in for.

Cap shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Up to you.”

Gage allowed a tiny sigh of relief. At least there wouldn’t be any yelling. Nevertheless, he closed the door.

“How’s Roy?” was the first question asked of him; a question Johnny sincerely wished people would stop asking.

“I dunno. Same, I guess.”

Hank arched an eyebrow in surprise, but thankfully didn’t pursue it. “So I guess you know what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Sure,” Gage allowed. “You wanna talk about what happened. About the accident.”

“Right. It’s SOP to review the events surrounding a mishap on the job that results in an injury.” Cap looked at Johnny with a sly grin. “You know that better than most.”

Gage released a breath of nervous laughter. “Yeah, I know. But I don’t know what happened, Cap. Really I don’t. I’ve gone over it in my head again and again and again…" He was on his way to a full-fledged rant of confusion and emotion and regret when Stanley stopped him with nothing more than an upraised hand.

“I want to get this clear from the start, John. No one is accusing you of anything.” Johnny nodded mutely, not entirely sure he believed it, but nevertheless glad to hear the words. Though he did have to wonder if the statement was merely missing a ‘yet.’ His captain continued, “We just want to get to the bottom of this; find out what happened so we can take measures to ensure that it never happens again.” Gage nodded again. “So let’s start at the beginning.”

And they did. They went step-by-step through the entire rescue. Johnny was even able to recount which knots he’d used; that’s how thoroughly he’d gone over the events in his mind. He left nothing out. Well, almost nothing. Cap leaned way back in his chair, and tented the fingers on his two hands together in front of him, studying the paramedic pensively for a long moment.

“You were a little under the weather, weren’t you, John?” he finally asked. His voice was quiet, almost as if he hated having to ask the question, and for that the paramedic was slightly grateful.

“Awww, Cap, I was fine. You know that,” Johnny protested.

Hank sat up quickly and leaned forward, toward his man. “I do, John. It’s just that things like this don’t just happen, and right now that’s the only explanation we have: ‘It just happened.’ And headquarters won’t buy it. You know that.”

“So you’re gonna tell them that because I’d had a couple of shots of tequila seven hours before my shift, I let my partner fall and break his back?” John could hear his voice getting more incredulous and shrill with each word, but he couldn’t help it, and didn’t even care. That was exactly what it sounded like to him at the moment.

“No, no, of course not, John. But we absolutely do have to get to the bottom of this. That’s not open for discussion. And if the answer proves to be human error, then we’ll have to deal with it, that’s all.”

Gage wanted to run. Not just out of the office, but out of the station altogether. He heard what his captain was saying, and he knew the man wasn’t blaming him. But he couldn’t get past the idea that, if it came down to it, if they had to, he’d be the scapegoat. An easy fall guy.

“Cap, I swear to you. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am absolutely sure of it. I’ve gone over it so many times. . . God, I can’t tell you how many times. Every time I run it, everything is fine, and then the line lets go. It just lets go. Best I can figure, Cap, is that it had to be something with the new carabiners. That’s the only thing that was different from all the other rappelling rescues we’ve done.”

“I thought of that, too, John, and I called around. Seven other stations are using the new ones, and no one has had any problems.”

“That doesn’t prove a thing,” Johnny grumbled.

“No, you’re right. It doesn’t. But it puts the burden of proof on us, doesn’t it?”

Johnny stood up. “Then I’ll prove it,” he vowed forcefully. “Are we done?”

“Yeah pal, we’re done.”

~~~~~~~~~~

The squad had been toned out as Johnny had stepped out of Cap's office. The scene involved a minor incident, but hadn't required a transport to Rampart, so Mitch and Johnny were gone for only a short time. When Johnny parked the squad, Mitch produced a packet of cigarettes from his shirt pocket and told John he'd be in momentarily.

"You still haven't quit smoking?" Johnny asked incredulously.

"Sue me." Mitchelson smirked and left the bay area.

Johnny on the other hand shook his head; he couldn't understand why anyone would knowingly breathe in tar and nicotine on a daily basis. As he walked toward the kitchen, he muttered a bit to himself about the horrors of smoking. He reached out to push open the door and froze as he heard the conversation going on around the table.

"…I guess. He is acting a little… I don't know, weird."

"Weird? No, it's more than that. There's something going on." It was definitely a statement, spoken as if fact.

"What do you think is going on?"

"C'mon, guys, think about. Has he even seen Roy lately? Asked about him? Has he even acted like he's concerned?"

Johnny startled at those last words. Concerned? They didn't think he was concerned about Roy?

"And you notice he's been avoiding us like the plague."

"Hey, he's upset. You gotta know that he's feeling upset."

"Yeah, but why? Upset over what's happened to Roy, or upset over why it's happened?"

"You're reading into this too much, you know."

"Yeah, you know Johnny. He always keeps things like this to himself."

"Well, maybe…"

"Look, all I know is Johnny has always thought of Roy as practically a brother. Hell, I get the feeling that he thinks of all of us as family. Even you, Chet." There was a chuckle at that remark.

"This whole situation doesn't make sense. Oh, I don't know what to think at this point."

"It doesn't make sense. I mean, Johnny would never do anything to hurt Roy."

"Well, he'd never intentionally do anything to hurt Roy."

"He wasn't. He was under the weather."

"He was hung over!"

"C'mon, he wasn't that bad. He had a headache."

"He was hung over until Roy got hurt; then it turned into just a headache."

"You're crazy."

"I may be crazy, but I may also be right."

"No, no, I don't think so. Johnny always rants and raves when he's not feeling a hundred percent."

"Thank you for proving my point!"

"No, listen to me. My point is: he goes nuts on us when it's something that's not a big deal. I mean, he goes bonkers over a splinter or a hang nail and drive us all crazy to the point where we don't want to even deal with him, but if it even has the potential to be serious he doesn't complain or say a word."

That quieted the men momentarily. It gave Johnny pause to think as well. He couldn't help but wonder if what they were saying was true. Did he really irritate his shift-mates that much? Is that why they seemed so quick to believe that he caused Roy's accident?

"I dunno, guys. He's still acting weird, almost as if he knows something."

"Knows something? Like what?"

"Like that he screwed up and caused Roy to become a cripple."

Johnny's head jerked up at that. Had they heard from the hospital while they were on the run? Did the doctors get the test results back? Did they confirm Roy's paralysis was permanent?

Johnny sagged against the wall and buried his face in his hands.  "Damn it!"

"Gage?" Mitch appeared at his side, calling his name tentatively. "You okay? What's going on? Are you sick or something?"

John looked up with wary eyes and shook his head. "I'm okay," he replied woodenly.  Truthfully, he felt numb. His partner was paralyzed, or at least that's what his shift-mates words led him to believe. They thought he was responsible for Roy's condition. Even Roy thought that Johnny was responsible.

He wasn't, though. He was as sure of that as he'd ever been of anything. Yet he checked the equipment and couldn't find any defects. Even Cap said he checked the equipment and couldn't find any flaws. So, what the hell happened out there?

But now that he heard Roy was paralyzed, Johnny felt nothing else mattered too much. John knew it was his job to watch his partner's back and when push came to shove, he failed. He couldn't do the one thing he'd always promised to do, protect Roy for his family.

But Roy was lying in bed, unable to move, and all Johnny wanted to do was to fix it. Fix it for Roy and Joanne and the kids, for his shift-mates, for himself. But he didn't know how.

Johnny pulled away suddenly from Mitch and hurried in the opposite direction of the kitchen. Mitch tried to catch his wiry partner, but John proved too fast for him. Mitchelson shook his head and, as he entered the kitchen, couldn't help but wonder what the hell that was all about.

"Hey, Mitch," called out Marco. "When did you get back?"

"Oh, 'bout ten minutes or so ago. Went out and took care of my little vice," he patted the shirt pocket that contained his cigarettes. "And before anyone says a word, I already got lectured by Johnny just before I went out to commit my act of treason."

"Speaking of Gage," interjected Chet, "where is he?"

"I think he went off to the latrine.  He seemed kind of upset when I came in from my break."

"He was upset, you say?" asked Mike.

"Yeah. He was standing just over there…"

"Over where?" asked Mike.

"There, by the kitchen entrance."

"Shit," the engineer said.

"What?" Chet looked as clueless as he sounded. Mike and Marco stared down Chet until the Irishman realized what had the two of them so agitated. "Oh, crap. He heard everything, didn't he?" It was a rhetorical question.

Cap walked in at that moment and saw the worry lines on the faces of his men. "What's going on?" he asked in a more official voice than he might have normally used.

"We think," Marco began, "that Johnny overheard a conversation that he probably shouldn't have heard."

"And why is that, Chet?" Cap asked pointedly.

"Aw, c'mon, Cap! Don't go laying this totally on me. I saw you checking out the equipment earlier. You have your doubts, too."

"Chet, there's a difference between having doubts about the equipment and wanting to find an explanation for a serious accident, and accusing one of my men of causing said accident. I don't know about you, but I would still trust Johnny with my life."

Cap looked at the others and tried to read their reaction to what he'd just said. He'd hoped they would automatically have agreed with him, but he saw the hesitation, however slight it was.

"Sure, Cap," offered Marco, to which Mike and Mitch echoed. Chet was the last to pipe in his agreement, but it was begrudgingly. That was obvious to everyone.

"Look guys, until there's an official explanation of what happened, we're going to have to go under the assumption that this was an accident.  We're going to do our best to find out its cause, but we're going to have to accept the fact that there may never be an explanation. But we all still have jobs to do, and that includes working with John Gage. Am I getting through to you?"

Cap looked right at Chet, who nodded slightly. The others murmured their assent.

"Okay. Now where the hell is Gage?" the captain asked.

"Here. I'm right here." Johnny stood at the threshold of the kitchen entrance. "Thanks, Cap, for the vote of confidence," he said quietly, "but now that Roy's… I mean, I don't know if I…"

The tones sounded and didn't give Johnny a chance to finish his admissions. The voice over the speaker came over loud and clear:

"Station 51, cyclist over a cliff. Route 485 and the Thompson Street exit.  Time out: 1925."

Gage looked at each of his shift-mates and wondered if this were some kind of a test; perhaps it was a chance to somehow regain his colleagues' trust. How that would happen, he wasn't sure, but John Gage knew he was going to do the best damned job he could. He also knew that the only person he would allow to go down after that cyclist was himself; no way in hell would he chance getting another one of his partners hurt.

Gage hurried into the bay and took the slip of paper from Cap. Catching his eye, he could see that he was being looked over. This would be the test. He knew he'd be judged on how this rescue went.

Hopping into the driver's side, he felt a pang of guilt. Roy should be the one behind the wheel of the squad, not him. His lips thinned into a tight grimace. He had nothing to feel guilty about. It wasn't his fault damn it and he was going to prove it!

As they pulled out of the station, the familiar blare of the sirens and horns made the adrenaline in his system pick up. It rushed through him, making him forget the things that were happening in his life. Every ounce of his being was now centered on the rescue that they raced to.

~~~~~~~~~~

They pulled up along the cliff side. Jumping out of the squad, Gage quickly made his way to the edge. Peering down, he began assessing the situation. He could see the twisted mass of metal that was once a cycle at the bottom. He estimated the distance to be between thirty to thirty-five feet. It wasn't one of the highest rescues he'd ever been to, but to the victim it might as well have been a hundred feet.

His eyes combed the steep rocky area. "There he is!" He pointed at a splash of color about twenty feet below.

Mitch looked down at where he was pointing, the ropes and rescue gear in his hands. "What do we have, John?"

"I don't know. I can see him, but he hasn't moved or made any indication that he's conscious. I'll need a stokes and a few extra lines."

Mitchelson jogged over to the squad and began the task of getting the remainder of the gear.

Captain Stanley approached Gage, noting that he seemed just as focused as he always was. He tried to remember how Gage had been when Roy's accident had occurred. As he played the scenes over and over through his mind, he couldn't find anything different, anything unusual from how he had reacted on any other rescue.

The moment he stepped up to Gage, Cap wasn't surprised when he immediately went over what type of rescue situation they had and how he was going to handle it. He raised an eyebrow at him. Gage was making the entire rescue effort his. He'd made it clear that he'd be the one going down and not Mitch.

Gage could feel the eyes of the crew on him as he strapped on the safety harness and began tying off the ropes. He paid special attention to the new carabiners. Their design still bothered him. Deep down inside, he believed they had something to do with Roy's accident, but Cap said he had checked them out and found nothing wrong with them, nor had there been any reports from other stations about defects in their use.

He handed the ropes and clips to Mitch to double check, then tie off. As soon as Mitchelson gave him the signal, he slipped his gloves on and began his descent. Making his way down the slope, he alternated between checking the ropes above him and the distance left between him and the victim.

He was about five feet above the victim when he called down to him. "Hey! Are you okay? Can you hear me?" There was no movement at all to indicate that the victim was conscious.

Looking up, he yelled to Mitch who was busy handling the ropes, making sure they were free from tangles or snags. "Mitch, he unconscious. I need the stokes sent down." Mitchelson waved back at him and Gage listened as he called out commands to the crew.

Then it happened. His feet slipped beneath him as he felt the ropes give way. Flinging himself forward, he scrabbled at the cliff wall, trying to keep from falling the remaining fifteen feet to the bottom. Just as quickly, the ropes that held him went taut and he was jerked back in place.

Breathing heavily, he glanced up at Mitch who looked down at him in confusion. Tugging at the rope, Gage cautiously made his way down to the small ledge where the victim lay. As his feet touched ground, he breathed a shaky sigh of relief. He thought that ropes had given way and he was going to end up like Roy.

As he assessed the injuries of the man at his feet, he peered over the ledge at the wreckage of the bike. He could picture his own body lying down beside it, twisted, broken and bloody. He shivered involuntarily.

Pushing his helmet back, he rubbed at his face and frowned as he saw the long scrapes that ran along his forearm and up his elbow. Now that he saw them, he could feel the sting and throb of the abrasions. Blood slowly wept and oozed from the wounds, small droplets made a pattern of dark splotches on his pants.

Shaking off the fact that he was injured, he directed his orders to Mitch. The stokes was lowered and he went about the task of immobilizing the victim and strapping him securely. He gave the ropes a wary look and then tugged at them hard. He could have sworn that they had given way for a few seconds before locking in place.

The climb back up the cliff was slow work. With each step, Gage anticipated falling to his death. He trusted Mitch with his life, but not the ropes and clips dangling him above the ground. He felt relieved when they pulled the stokes up to safety.

When he finally found himself safe and sound, he made quick work of undoing his safety harness so that he could help Mitch, who already had a call in to Rampart. Between the two of them, they sent in the vitals and proceeded to set up an IV.

~~~~~~~~~~

As they loaded the victim into the ambulance, Cap approached Gage, nodding at the abrasions that ran up his arm. "John, what happened?"

Looking at his wounds, he considered what he was going to say. If he said the ropes gave way, it would look like he was trying to justify what happened to Roy, but the fact that the ropes had snapped back into place made it look like he was trying to cover his ass.

"I slipped. I hit the face of the cliff. I'm okay."

Cap gave him a strange look as he turned away from him to begin the task of cleaning up. As Gage bundled the ropes up, he checked every inch and each carabiner, trying to see if there was any type of damage or defect. With a feeling of dread, he didn't find anything. The entire time, he could feel the eyes of his crewmates on him.

When he stood and made his way to the squad, Cap followed. "Why don't you get checked out, then you can go see Roy while you're there?"

Gage knew what Cap was doing. He knew that everyone was aware that he hadn't seen Roy since the day of the accident. With a feeling of defeat he nodded his agreement. "Okay, Cap."

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny pulled the squad into the slot beside the ambulance and entered the hospital. There was no sign of Mitch so he walked over to the nurse's station and found Dixie.

"Hi, Dix."

"Hi Johnny. Your partner's still in room four. He should be out in a few minutes. Looks like the cyclist is going to be okay. No fractures, but a moderate concussion."

"Oh, okay," he said quietly.

She noticed his sad look and reached over taking hold of his arm. He jumped and winced. "Ow!" he said pulling away.

"Sorry, Johnny," she said. Dixie moved in for a closer look at her friend. "What on earth did you do to yourself?" she asked. The deep scrapes were still seeping blood and some bruising was beginning underneath.

He moved his arm protectively and looked at in a somewhat aggravated manner. "I, uh, slipped and caught the wall. It's nothing but Cap wanted me to get it checked out."

"C'mon. Treatment two is available.  Don't need you out there scaring anyone do we?" she smiled and steered him into the room.  "Have a seat. I'll be right back."

A minute later Dixie returned with Dr. Morton close behind.

"What happened, John?" he asked while he started examining Gage and Dixie gathered the supplies she would need to clean and bandage the wounds.

He looked up at the young doctor. "The rope slipped. I mean, I slipped and got a little banged up."

"Did you hit your head or anything?"

"Nope," he winced as Dixie started cleaning his arm.

"What about your knees?" Morton said indicating the blood stains on John's pants.

"That was from my arm. Ow!" he replied in irritation.

"Okay, okay," Morton smiled. "Doesn't look like anything serious. You know the drill. Keep the wounds clean and dry. Any sign of infection return immediately. How current are you on your tetanus?"

Johnny rolled his eyes. "It's current."

"Sure is," remarked Dixie with a devilish grin.

Morton was still laughing as he left the room.

Johnny fled the room as soon as Dixie was finished. His arm was still throbbing from her 'gentle touch'. He ran into Mitch in the hallway.

"You okay, Johnny?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna run up and see Roy for a minute, okay?"

"Sure thing." He handed the HT to Johnny, "I'll be out in the squad. I could use a smoke after that one. Got a little hairy didn't it?"

"Yeah, it did. I'll try to make it quick."

~~~~~~~~~~

Gage got on the elevator. The closer he got to Roy's floor the more butterflies he felt in his stomach. Stepping out of the car, he hesitated before proceeding. He had half a mind to just leave, but Cap was expecting him to come back with details on Roy.

Taking a deep breath he proceeded past the nurse's station and towards Roy's room. He hadn't been here since… well, he said he'd stay away and he had. Damn it, why did Cap have to force the issue?

He reached out and put his hand on the door then he pulled it back.

"He doesn't bite you know."

The voice startled him. Johnny hadn't realized anyone else was around. He turned and saw Joanne smiling at him. "I'm glad you're here. I get the feeling he wants to talk to you. Although he won't come right out and say it."

Johnny took a breath and sighed. Why is this so difficult? He's my best friend. Or at least he used to be.

"Go on in, Johnny. I have some errands to run anyway. He wasn't expecting me back till later on." She saw the uncertainty and placed her hand on his shoulder, noting the bandages on his forearm. "Looks like you had a rough morning."

He shrugged, "It's nothin'."

"Go on," she smiled and left.

Johnny once more put his hand on the door and knocked.

"Come in," said Roy.

Johnny slowly opened the door and entered the room, ready to flee in a moment if his presence was not welcome. The sight of Roy on his back and in a brace was still a shock.  "Hey Roy," he said nervously.

There was an awkward silence, then Roy spoke up, "You just gonna stand there? Get over here and sit down."

Johnny obeyed. He was still unsure of what to say. He fidgeted in the chair a bit and Roy just looked at him. His partner's nervousness amused him slightly.

Both men attempted to speak at the same time. They stopped and started again, at the same time.

Laughter erupted from both men. "Roy I…"

"Hold it. Let me say something first, okay?"

"Sure."

"I'm glad you're here. I think we need to talk."

"Me too," said Johnny.

"What happened?"

The bluntness of the question caught him by surprise, "What do you mean?"

"That day… what the hell happened? All I remember is the rope slipping and then I fell. Cap says the equipment checked out, but something happened."

"I'm at a loss, Roy. I checked everything out several times, before and after. I couldn't find anything either. The only thing different was the new carabiners but even they seemed okay. I just don't know."

Roy looked at his partner; he could see the sincerity and conviction in his eyes. "I believe you."

Johnny stared at his friend. "What did you say?"

"I said I believe you, Johnny."

 "Really?"

"Yeah, really. I've had a lot of time to think about it and I know you well enough that if you say you checked everything, that you did."

"Thanks, Roy. That means a lot to me. I, um, I thought you blamed me. You seemed so angry that day."

"I was angry. At you, at me, at everyone and everything. It was just such a shock and, well I don't know."

"I understand and I don't blame you for what you were thinking. I was supposed to ensure your safety and I let you down. I had my own doubts at first, but I went over everything so many times and I know I didn't make any mistakes. I swear Roy…"

"It was an accident. I thought about it a lot. Believe me."

Johnny's face suddenly grew even more serious and he leaned forward. "Roy, I gotta know. Your paralysis, is it permanent?"

Roy looked at him in surprise. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Is it?" he asked again, avoiding Roy's question.

"Not that we know of. Dr. Early said it's still too soon to tell."

Johnny's relief was quite evident on his face, but Roy could see that something was still troubling him. "Where'd you hear that? I want to know."

Looking up at Roy he shook his head. "It's not important."

"Yes it is. Whoever said it upset you and I want to know."

"I overheard the guys at the station talking."

"Our shift?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah. They didn't know I heard them."

"There's more to it, I can tell."

"It's nothing Roy. I'm gonna have to go. Mitch is waiting out in the squad."

"Johnny, what else did they say?"

Roy's gaze stopped him from getting up. "Roy," he paused and then said, "I get the feeling they don't trust me any more. Like they blame me for what happened. That's all."

"That's enough. Are you sure you aren't reading more into it than you should?"

"Probably."

"I'm really glad you came back."

"Me too." They smiled at each other, relieved that the tension between them was gone.  Johnny glanced at his watch and reluctantly said,  "I really should go."

"Okay, but don't stay away so long, okay?"

"I won't."

"And bring a few of those carabiners with you next time. I'd like to take a look at them."

"Sure, no problem." Johnny got up to leave and placed a hand on Roy's arm. "Take it easy, pal."

Roy laughed, "As if I can do anything else." He noticed the bandages for the first time as Johnny turned to leave. "What did you do to yourself this time?"

"Huh?"

"Your arm. What happened?"

"An accident on our last call. Biker went over a hillside. I, uh… I slipped, that's all."

Roy studied him curiously, obviously not buying it but willing to let it go for now. "Well, be more careful, okay? And don't forget I want to see the new carabiners next time you come in."

"Sure thing. See you later, Roy."

~~~~~~~~~~

Back at the station, Johnny headed straight for the captain's office. "Cap?"

Hank looked up from his ever present, never-ending paperwork. "C'mon in. Close the door."

Gage complied.

"You did go to see Roy, didn't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. The young medic nodded his head. "Good. How is he?"

"Doing fine, Cap. Still no breakthrough, but he's in good spirits."

"So I take it everything is okay between you two?"

"Yes, it is. We had an enlightening talk and everything is fine. At least it is with Roy."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I overheard the other guys talking remember? I know they have their doubts where I'm concerned. I'm just wondering what to do about it."

"Maybe just give them a bit more time. You okay?"

Gage looked at his bandages and sighed. "Fine. Still stings, but I'll live."

Hank smiled. "Good. Now, go on so I can finish this."

John left the office but wasn't in the mood to join the rest of the crew. Knowing how they felt about him, he went outside for some quiet reflection.

Mike Stoker finally found him sitting on the hood of his Rover, leaning back on the windshield. "Hi, John."

"Mike," he acknowledged the other man.

"Can we talk?"

"I guess."

"Hurt bad?" he asked, indicating Johnny's bandages.

"No."

"Good. I'm sorry about what you overheard earlier. We didn't mean to hurt you. It's just that…"

"Look Mike. I understand. Really. I'd have my doubts too if the situation were reversed. I wish that I could prove to you once and for all that I didn't screw up, but I can't. Maybe someday the truth will come to light. Until then I guess we'll just have to take it a call at a time."

Mike didn't know what to say. He knew he hadn't given his shift-mate enough credit. "Did you see Roy?"

"Yeah. He's doing okay. Bored, but okay." Mike smiled in relief when Johnny added, "And Doc Early is fairly confident that the paralysis is NOT permanent. It's still a bit early to be sure though."

"Well that's good news."

"Yes, it certainly is."

"You coming in?"

"No. Think I'll stay out here for a while."

The remainder of the shift was quiet with very few calls. The guys were still leery of trusting Gage and he was very aware of it. He could tell that they were trying, but still it bothered him. Johnny kept to himself as much as possible and was the first one out the door when B-shift arrived to take over.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Good morning, Mr. DeSoto!"  The physical therapist smiled brightly as she pushed through the door of Roy's room.

"Hi, Carmen," the patient greeted her with much less enthusiasm.

"Ah, come on now," the young woman teased. "At least pretend to be happy to see me or you're going to hurt my feelings."

Roy smiled wanly. "Sorry"

She smiled back and patted his shoulder. "It's okay.  Now, let's get started, shall we?" She pulled back the blankets, lifted his right leg a few inches off the bed and began to manipulate it gently.

Roy knew the daily therapy was necessary to keep his inactive muscles from atrophying and he knew Carmen was as careful as possible but the sessions were pure torture.  The heavy brace he wore kept his spine immobile but that didn't stop the muscles in his lower back from protesting as the therapist went about her work.  Despite the pain medication, Roy felt every pull and twinge acutely and was usually a sweating, shaking wreck by the time the therapy was over. 

But even worse than the physical discomfort was the emotional pain of watching someone else maneuvering his limbs. He could see his leg moving, see his knee bend, see his foot flex but he couldn't feel it, couldn't control it.  It was maddening. Roy was doing his best to be a cooperative patient, to keep a positive attitude and not give up hope. But it was harder during these few minutes each morning and afternoon than at any other time of the day.

"Doing okay?" the therapist asked as she moved from the right leg to the left. "How's the back?"

"It hurts," he admitted.

"Well, hang in there," she said kindly. "We're almost done."

Roy watched dispiritedly as she lifted his left leg, one hand gripping his ankle, the other supporting his knee.  She raised the leg a bit higher and began to bend his knee.

"Oooh, shit!" Roy howled, as white-hot pain lanced through his calf. He struggled to sit up, desperate to pull his leg from Carmen's grip.

"What? Roy, what is it?" the therapist asked in alarm.

"Muscle cramp," he grated out between clenched teeth. 

The therapist swiftly lowered his leg back onto the mattress and began kneading the taut muscles. Roy groaned in pain, then groaned again in relief as the spasm began to ease.

"Better?"

He nodded silently, sinking back against the pillow and closing his eyes.  And then it hit him like a ton of bricks and his eyes flew open again. "Carmen!" he gasped. "Oh God!" He'd felt it.  Felt the pain.  Felt the cramping. Felt the relief of the massage.  It was the sign they'd been waiting for: the sign that his paralysis wasn't permanent.  "Thank God," he breathed, rubbing a shaking hand over his face.  "Thank God."

Carmen beamed at him and gave his shoulder a squeeze.  "I'll go page Doctor Early."

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny arrived at Roy's door in uniform and a bit breathless. "Hey, Roy!" he said as he slid into the chair by the bed.

"Hey, Johnny. I was beginning to think you'd forgotten all about me."

"Never. Couldn't forget my best friend. I really wanted to stop in since you called with the great news. I just had a lot more stuff to catch up on at home than I realized. Then the Rover needed my attention too. Sorry."

"S'okay. I understand. Did you bring me a carabiner?"

"Got a couple of them right here. See, I didn't forget."

Roy laughed. He accepted the carabiners from Johnny. "You're right. They do look odd."

"Well, I gotta go. Mitch probably has the supplies and is pacing the hall."

"Oh okay. How's he working out?" Roy asked cautiously. He hated the thought of some 'stranger' watching his partner's back.

"He's doing really good Roy. He's confident and knows what he's doing. However, the most important thing is that he's not hard to get along with, if you know what I mean!"

Roy laughed again. "All right. Don't keep him waiting. See you later?"

"You bet, partner. Take care."

Roy sighed when Johnny left. He hated the time between visitors and not being able to leave. Sure, he was starting to regain feeling in his legs, but he was going stir crazy here at Rampart. The view was lousy and he just wanted to go home and be with his family.

At least the equipment in his hands would provide some distraction for him. He was grateful for that.  He studied the metal objects carefully and wondered just why they made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

Joanne arrived just before lunch. She knew how much he hated it when the staff had to assist him with meals.

"Hi, honey. How's it going today?" she asked pleasantly.

"About the same, Jo. When are they going to let me out of here?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe we can check with Dr. Early."

Roy slammed his fisted hand on the bed, making the carabiners clink together.

"What's that, Roy?" asked a curious Joanne.

"Huh?"

"Those things you have there."

"Oh, these. We use them for rappelling and other rescues involving climbing," he said still playing with the gate on the carabiner.

"Like the one where you got hurt?"

"Yeah."

"What do those funny looking clippy things do?"

"Well they help guide the rope and keep it from getting tangled."

"Oh. It sounds complicated."

"Not really, if you know what you're doing."

"What are you implying?"

"Nothing. These are new and different from what we normally use. I was just curious that's all."

"Where'd you get them?"

"Johnny dropped them by for me."

"That was nice of him. His idea?"

"Actually it was mine. I'm hoping I can find a reason for what happened last week." He wasn't about to go into details and certainly didn't want to bring up Johnny's concern that the other guys didn't trust him.

"I guess that'll keep you busy," she replied. "Lunch should be here soon."

"Don't remind me. I just wish they'd let me sit up."

"That'll come in time. Be patient."

"That's easy for you to say," he grumbled. One look at Jo's hurt expression and he apologized. "I'm sorry. It's just so hard. You know?"

"I can only imagine."

After lunch she stayed for a while and talked about the kids' latest adventure. Roy was still playing with the carabiner while listening to his wife drone on about the kids.

A sudden sharp pain and a muscle spasm made him jerk his left leg and put more pressure on the carabiner's gate which caused it to stick open for a moment before closing. He was so shocked that he didn't even realize he'd just voluntarily moved his leg.

"Roy?"

"Huh?" he answered distractedly.

"What just happened?"

"I don't know. This thing got stuck."

"No! I mean your leg. It moved!"

"Muscle spasm," he said matter-of-factly. "Been having a lot of them lately."

"But, honey, you MOVED your leg!" Joanne jumped up and reached for the call bell to summon a nurse.

Roy kept playing with the piece in his hand, still not realizing that something significant had just happened to him. He managed to put enough of the right pressure on it again and it stuck a second time. "Jo! I figured it out! This darn thing sticks with too much pressure put on it all of a sudden." He thought of all the movements he made during the rescue and how any one o