by
Squad 51 Incident ReportParamedic: Roy DeSoto
Date: March 24, 1975
Dispatch Time: 17:34
Station 51 responded to an ‘unknown rescue' at the IL Pompeii condominium complex, unit 241. When we arrived, it was ascertained that only Squad 51 was required and the engine was returned to the station.
In all my years as a firefighter/paramedic, I don't think I've ever seen such a sight. I realize this needs to be an objective report, but I just can't do it in this instance. It was too ridiculous for words.
We got there to find two mostly nude males. One was wearing a leather gladiator costume and the other was wearing a leash and collar and covered with a mysterious green substance that turned out to be pistachio pudding. Of course, we had donned our HazMat suits before one of the men identified the substance. I think they just wanted to see us dressed up like that.
The men identified themselves as Tarzan and Jane. We could get no real information out of them, as I believe they were too embarrassed. I know I wouldn't want my real name used in a case like this. When asked what the emergency was, the gladiator aka Tarzan said that they were playing farmer and cow and that the ‘artificial insemination' of the farmer's prize cow had gone a bit awry.
I really didn't want to know, but my partner John Gage asked exactly what that meant.
Apparently, their normal game was that one played the bull and the other played the cow. The pistachio pudding apparently represented grass stains the cow got from rolling in the fields and is licked off by the bull during the, er…mating. Unfortunately, Tarzan had recently pulled a groin muscle at the gym and was unable to perform his usual duties as a bull, so they had a whole salami to be used as a substitute – hence the ‘artificial insemination'. The problem was that the salami had been shoved into ‘Jane's' anal cavity too far and was too slick to simply grab and pull out.
Several attempts were made with forceps but were unsuccessful as they too slipped off of the salami. Johnny suggested a fork, but the man called Jane was less than enthusiastic about that.
I told the odd couple that the only option I could see was a trip to Rampart where they would have better resources for the removal of the unfortunate salami. They agreed, but still refused to give their real names. Tarzan did get dressed as we let the ambulance drivers in.
Johnny called into Rampart as Jane was loaded onto a stretcher, I could see that he was struggling not to laugh in the presence of the patient, but it was a losing battle. Rampart's only response to the call was ‘he got WHAT stuck WHERE?' We were ordered to monitor vitals and transport.
As we were exiting the building, I heard a crash. As I turned, I saw the drug box on the ground at the bottom of the steps and my partner on his back with his legs up the stairs and his head on the landing. He was still giggling.
Once I ascertained that my partner all right and ambulatory, I rode in with the patient and Johnny followed in the squad.
The couple was finally identified as Grey Jones (Tarzan) and Marshall Cohen (Jane).
The salami was removed and Jane was treated and kept overnight for observation. Johnny was examined, put on medical leave for the next 2 shifts and sent home with instructions to rest with a heating pad and aspirin for pain.
Squad 51 returned to base at 18:52.
End.
Author's note: there is a very liberal newspaper in town called ‘The Other Paper' . I always enjoy going through the personals column - especially the ‘other variations' section. It's always an entertaining read. I wrote this story in response to the following ad:
GETTIN' DOWN ON THE FARM. SWPM, 27, ISO dom BiM to experience down home fun. You bring the pudding, I'll bring the lunchmeat.