A Change

by

Jane Royce

The sun shone in through the window of Johnny's hospital room. What should have been a good day of recovery turned out to be a day of introspection and thought for him instead.

"This has gotta stop, I am getting too old for this routine and each time I end up here makes me think it will be my last."

Something had to change in Johnny's life, he was feeling tired and a wee bit depressed about his recent hospitalization.

"I think I spend more time here than on the job!" Johnny lamented.

At the moment that Johnny had laid back in his bed to give his future some more thought, the door opened and Roy and Captain Stanley walked in. The days off shift were ones that Johnny looked forward to typically, but now that he was in hospital all he could feel were pangs of jealousy for his friends who were clearly, enjoying some 'down time'.

"Hey John, you look better, how are you feeling pal?" Asked Cap.

Roy did not miss the brief look of despair that crossed Johnny's face, it bothered him.

"Hi Cap, I feel fine thanks."

"Johnny, is something bothering you?" Roy asked.

"Roy, Cap, I am glad that you are both here, I have to talk to you. I have so much on my mind and I have been thinking of my future." Johnny started.

"Go on John, what can we do for you?" Cap asked.

"I love my job, all I have ever done is rescue work and fighting fires. I love it and it's all I know how to do.." Johnny continued.

"But, sitting here has got me thinking. I am here too much, in the hospital I mean, as a patient. I am injured more than I am on the job these days and I don't think my body can take it. What happens if I get hurt and can't work anymore, what will I do then? How will I support myself?" Johnny began to get agitated.

"Roy, do you want me to get a nurse, should he be upset like this?" Cap whispered to Roy.

"He's ok Cap, but I think we need to hear him out." Roy responded with a whisper.

"Roy, Cap, you both have wives and children. You own your homes, you have been planning your future. I am a single guy who is spending more time in the hospital than I do earning my pay."

"Johnny, you are losing me, where are you going with this?" Roy asked.

"I think I need a change, I think it's time I thought about a new career, one that won't involve injuries!" Johnny clarified.

"Johnny, you can't be serious! You're one of the best paramedics in the county, your talent is for this, you can't consider leaving it!" Roy exclaimed.

"I'm with Roy pal, you have put too much into this career to walk away from it now. Look at how many people you've rescued. This all has to account for something."

"It does Cap, but you both gotta understand where I'm coming from. I....I am scared. I am scared that I will end up a cripple in a wheelchair before I have my life in order." Johnny continued.

"I see where you are going Johnny, but you are still in great shape. You have a lot more to offer this job" Roy urged.

"I know Roy, but I still feel like I am on borrowed time here. The next injury may be my last, or it may be just enough to leave me in a lifetime of pain and a body that I don't want to be trapped in" Johnny defended.

Roy and Cap glanced at each other with Johnny's last statement, and decided to drop the subject. Neither liked where this was heading.

"I am getting kinda tired guys, do you mind if I talk to you later?" Johnny asked.

"Sure John, sure, get some rest, we'll talk later" mumbled Cap and he and Roy headed toward the door.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Roy, this doesn't sound like John at all, what's eating him?"

"I don't know Cap, this time I think he has been doing a lot of thinking. This is not the same Johnny, something has happened for him to be talking like this."

"So what do we do Roy, we have to get through to him."

"I agree Cap, but lets just wait it out. He has another month to go before he can return to work. Lets see what happens over the next month and not put any pressure on him. Maybe this will pass." Roy directed.

~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks had passed and Johnny was enjoying his recuperation at home. His recovery from his injuries was not complicated, in fact, this time his recovery had been smooth and uneventful. He knew that he had one week to go before he could return to duty and he was dreading what he was about to do. He did not want to see the guys, but he had to deliver his letter...his letter of resignation.

~~~~~~~~~~

The ride to the station was a quiet one. Johnny was lost in thought and was going over the many possible combinations of what would happen once he got there. This was going to be really hard, but it had to be done.

The scream was so shrill that Johnny nearly drove the car off the road. He slammed on the breaks, compelled to find out what the scream was about.

Gently, Johnny's Rover came to a stop and Johnny stumbled out mindful of his aches and pains that prevented him from moving too quickly. When he got out of the truck completely, he saw the source of the screaming, it was a woman who was upset because her child had badly cut his lip in a fall.

"Ma'am, please let me help. I am a paramedic with Los Angelas County, I can help." Johnny was stunned that those words came so effortless out of his mouth, so naturally.

"It's my son" began the woman between sobs, "he has fallen and cut his lip badly, it looks horrible and it just cared me is all."

"Ma'am, calm down. It's not so bad. Let me go and get some ice for that inside this store on the corner and try to get some of the swelling to go down and to help stop the bleeding." Johnny instructed.

"It's not as bad as you think, he'll be fine. He may need a stitch or two though, so you might want to take him to the hospital" Johnny continued.

With a nod, the grateful woman let Johnny go and get some ice from the store. On his way back to the scene, the sound of sirens could be heard. As the sounds grew closer, Johnny could see that it was squad 10.

"Hey you guys, what are you doing here?" Johnny smiled as he saw his comrades.

"Hey Johnny, small world! We got a call from a store owner here about a kid who got hurt, what are you doing here?" Mike Cody, paramedic for 10's swing shift asked.

"Same as you pal, I heard the woman screaming and I pulled over to see if I could help. It's okay, it's her son and he did cut his lip badly. I just got some ice from the store over there to see if this would help the swelling. Now that you are here though, I can go." Said Johnny as he handed the paramedic the ice.

"Sure John, thanks and it's good to see you again, the job misses you!" Mike called to Johnny's retreating form.

~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny continued on his way to the station to talk to Cap, and went over the irony of the accident he happened along. It was food for thought and it did make Johnny think about his life as a paramedic.

"STOP STOP!!" a man shouted at Johnny as his truck rolled to a stop at the stop sign.

"What? What's happening?" shouted Johnny in surprise.

"Oh man, it's my wife, her water broke and my car won't start! I gotta get her to the hospital!" the desperate man pleaded.

"Oh geez, ok, I'll drive you. Is this her first?" asked Johnny of the anxious man.

"Yes, and I know this should take hours but I don't want her to deliver at home, we gotta get to the hospital now!" The man shouted.

Johnny climbed out of the truck and followed the man to a car ten feet away. There Johnny found a woman clearly in the throws of a hard contraction.

"Oooooh!" groaned the woman. "Get me to the hospital, I don't wanna deliver in this car!"

"Okay ma'am, I will get you to the hospital in my truck. I am a paramedic for the Los Angelas County fire department. Would you prefer an ambulance?" Johnny asked.

"No, the contractions are not that steady, my water broke 15 minutes ago and this is my first. I know I have a long time to go. Just get me to the hospital and I'll be ok." the woman pleaded.

"Ok, lets go then, but if it gets to be too much, we are calling a squad and an ambulance to take you the rest of the way." Johnny instructed.

With that, the husband and Johnny helped the woman in the truck and they began the short trip to Rampart Hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Dix, can you help us here" shouted Johnny as he helped the laboring woman into a wheelchair while her husband grabbed her bag from Johnny's truck. "She needs to get up to labor and delivery, she's been in labor for 30 minutes and her water broke 30 minutes ago." Instructed Johnny.

"John, what on earth? Ok, lets get her upstairs dad." Nodded Dixie to the pale husband. "You've got a job to do!"

"Thanks man, I couldn't have got her here without your help" confided the soon-to-be father. "You saved us both!"

"No thanks needed man, go and help your wife deliver that baby, good luck!" shouted Johnny.

Johnny turned to make his way back to his truck, to complete his task for the day when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Johnny, what brings you here, are you all right?" Dr. Brackett asked.

"I'm fine doc, I just helped a new dad bring in his pregnant wife to deliver their baby." Johnny said.

"Ah, always on the job aren't you Johnny? Things seem to follow you wherever you go!" said Bracket as he patted Johnny on the back and headed into treatment room 1 to see a patient.

Johnny pondered that comment as he made his way to the parking lot to resume his travel.

~~~~~~~~~~

Behind the wheel of the truck once again, Johnny's mind filled with thoughts of past rescues, today's events, all sorts of feelings. He was so lost in thought, he did not hear the screech of tires and the honk of the horn of the oncoming car that ran through the red light and smashed into Johnny's Rover and pushed them both into oncoming traffic from the other side of the intersection.

The world was a black place for all participants in this accident, blissful darkness that permitted no pain to be felt.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sirens sounded loudly in the periphery of Johnny's consciousness. It threatened to allow the pain of the impact to be realized.

"Uuhhhnn, ohh man." Johnny moaned "wh what happened."

The sirens grew louder and their intensity refused to allow Johnny to lapse into that unnatural sleep again.

"Oh man, what the hell happened now?" Johnny asked no one in particular.

Johnny began to make a mental examination of himself and allowed for slight muscle movements to assess his condition. To Johnny's surprise and relief, he found no injuries other than a bump on the side of his head where he must have hit the sidebar of his truck door.

"Oh man, I gotta get outta here" moaned Johnny as the understanding of what had happened occurred to him.

Johnny was unable to open his door, but his passenger door was wide open. He slowly made his way to that side of the truck, swallowing the nausea that threatened to slow him down.

Gingerly, Johnny extricated himself from his truck and allowed himself a moment to wash the dizziness away from his mind while he leaned up against his truck. After several deep breaths, he made his way to the front of his truck to see what had happened. In the distance, the sirens of help were approaching and Johnny was relieved.

"I can't help anyone, I need help" Johnny observed, but still made his way to the car that had its front end rammed directly into the lower portion of Johnny's truck door.

'Wow, I am lucky that I wasn't hit by a truck, this sports car was so low down that it didn't damage me as much as it could have' thought Johnny as he began to approach the driver of the vehicle.

Johnny reached in and was pleased to find a strong pulse on the drivers neck, but was dismayed to smell the alcohol that emanated from the open window of the car. The driver was unconscious with no apparent signs of other physical injury.

"Great, just great. I bet he's just passed out. Drunks don't usually get hurt in accidents." Muttered Johnny in disgust.

Johnny took this time to survey the scene better and found others who had been involved in the accident, but all in a minor way. No others were involved in the collision, but were stunned by what had happened.

The sirens drew closer and Johnny felt dizzy, so he sought the stability of the ground and lay down.

"Johnny........JOHNNY, wake up now, talk to me. You have to tell me where you hurt" Roy insisted.

"John, come on now, talk to me now." Roy tried again to get through the dark cloud fogging Johnny's mind.

"I'm, I'm all right" Johnny slurred.

"Hey man, he got out of his truck on his own. I saw the whole thing. He was driving along and this maniac in the Camaro slammed right into him, he ran the red light man, he was driving like an idiot!" revealed the bystander. "This guy here got out of his truck and checked on him, and then laid right down on the ground. He hasn't moved since."

"uhhnn" groaned Johnny as he fought to clear his head. "Roy, is that you? Man, what happened?" asked Johnny, struggling to remember.

As quickly as he forgot, he suddenly remembered what had happened and sat up quickly, being resisted by Roy's hands. "Whoa partner, you just lay down there and let me check you out for a minute. You've been in an accident and I am going to check you out completely." Roy instructed. "Bellingham is checking on the driver, who appears to be a bit drunk, but uninjured, so relax."

"Oh, man that was crazy. The guy came out of nowhere, but I was lucky, his little car didn't do much damage to the truck." Stated Johnny.

Pleased that his partner could recall the events leading up to the accident, Roy relaxed a bit. "What were you doing out here anyway, errands? You know I can help you with that sort of stuff." Began Roy.

"No, I was just coming to the station. I have been sidetracked a few times, but was just coming to see you guys now. I wanted to talk to the Cap about a few things." Johnny told Roy.

"Oh, anything I should know about?" Roy asked.

"No, I mean not yet. Right now, all I want to do is go to sleep. I am so tired, it's been a long day and I know the insurance company will be a battle, so I just want to get home." Johnny stated as he accepted help from Roy to stand.

"Bellingham!" shouted Roy as Johnny crumpled into a heap on the ground into unconsciousness.

Bellingham ran to help Roy and grab the equipment, his patient being stable and feeling no pain, he was able to focus on Johnny and Roy.

"What happened Roy, he seemed fine till just now." Roy's temporary partner asked.

"He was, I think he stood up too fast and lost it but regardless, he has earned a trip to Rampart" noted Roy as he called Johnny's condition into Rampart.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Johnny, wake up for me, how are you feeling?" asked Dr. Brackett as he noticed Johnny's eyes fluttering open.

"Uuhnn, okay doc. What happened?" asked Johnny.

"Tell me what you remember first, and I'll fill in the blanks if you don't mind" instructed the doctor.

"I remember the accident and talking to Roy, I just don't remember getting here." Johnny stated.

Dr. Brackett was happy to hear this and suspected only a mild concussion, but wanted to admit Johnny for observation for the night regardless. He gave Johnny a reassuring rub on the shoulder and stepped outside to talk to Roy and Bellingham.

"Fellas, I think he is going to be just fine. He took a knock to the head as you know but there is no sign of significant injury. I will do a complete skull series just to be sure, but I think a night in our care with regular neuro checks will reveal nothing that his hard head hasn't seen before. He's going to be fine." Dr. Brackett confirmed, and turned to walk to the desk to arrange for Johnny's admission.

"Are you going to talk to him about this letter of resignation you found in his pocket today Roy" asked Bellingham.

"No, this will have to wait, I am going to wait for him to tell me. I do not want him upset that I know what he was planning.... I need to think too." Replied Roy.

~~~~~~~~~~

The sun shone through the window once again in Johnny's hospital room, it had been a difficult night with the nurses coming into his room and waking him up every hour. He was looking forward to going home and was glad that he did not have to spend another day in the hospital.

A knock at the door brought Johnny out of his thoughts and he was greeted by Roy.

"Hi Roy, it's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too Johnny, how are you feeling?"

"Fine Roy, just fine. Listen. I want to talk to you about something."

"I already know what it is Johnny, and I wish you'd reconsider."

"Reconsider? What, you don't want me back in the squad?" John asked incredulously.

"What? No, I mean yes, I mean no, I mean. What's going on here, I found your letter of resignation, I know you want to leave the department!" Roy exclaimed.

"Roy, I did. I was on my way to talk to Cap and hand in my resignation, but Roy, that day was a weird one. It made me see that I am where I need to be, and if I think that I haven't accomplished much I have to look into some of the faces of the people we've treated and saved. I do make a difference and this is where I need to be. I am not going anywhere Pally, except back to work soon...I hope." Johnny continued. I have been waken every hour here through the night and each time while I went back to sleep, I dreamed of one rescue or another and know now that I can't leave this now. I have to make some changes, but I can't quit."

"Johnny, you're right, you have made a difference in this job. I am glad that you're going to stay and don't quite know what changes you mean, but I'll partner with you for as long as we are both able to continue! Roy exclaimed.

Together the two spent the morning talking about what it is to be a paramedic and where they see themselves down the road. Johnny's discharge was an uneventful one and he returned to duty one week later with a fresh outlook on his career.

The End