A Father's Son

By

Cynthia

Hutch glanced up at Starsky who was quietly doing his paperwork. He could see the focus in his partner’s movements and the silence in them. Since yesterday, Starsky had been distant and quiet for the most part. Hutch had asked Starsky early in the day if anything is wrong. He received a quiet no in reply.

A huge party had been thrown for Starsky’s birthday. Hutch remembered childlike mischeviousness in his partner’s eyes. He smiled seeing Starsky’s excitement in opening the gifts. Now, it was as if some unknown had come and snatched all that he loved about Starsky, from the man’s heart. Hutch hated what he was seeing.

His partner was closed off. An invisible barrier was erected around Starsky making him barely approachable. Starsky did the job with unspoken competence. It worried Hutch. It scares the hell out of me, Hutch admitted.

“Hey,” Hutch said with a small grin. “You want to go get a couple of beers tonight. We could hit a couple of clubs.”

Starsky kept focused on the report in front of him. “I just wanna head home.”

“Starsk, how ‘bout dinner tonight. I’ll cook up real lasagna for you.”

Starsky shook his head and answered the phone on the first ring. Hutch sighed and slumped back in his chair. He knew something was wrong, but pulling it out of Starsky would be like pulling teeth. Starsky wouldn’t let him.

It was Saturday afternoon and Hutch had not spoken with Starsky. Hutch called but no one answered. Starsky’s behavior weighed heavily on his mind and Hutch worked on his plants to keep busy. The ringing of the phone raised his spirits and he quickly answered in hopes of hearing Starsky’s voice.

“Hello…Rachel!” Hutch smiled listening to Starsky’s mother. “This is a wonderful surprise…Yeah, he was at work yesterday…he’s fine…” Hutch sat down on the couch as he listened to Rachel Starsky’s voice. “He seemed to really enjoyed his birthday…” His eyebrows furrowed with concern. “He didn’t…that’s not like him...I called and he wasn’t home…sure, it’s no problem…if he’s not, I’ll find him…Rachel, I promise David will call you before the day is out…take care…bye.”

Hutch slowly set the phone in the cradle and sighed heavily. What’s going on, Starsky, Hutch wondered. He stood up and grabbed his jacket on the way out the door.

Twenty minutes later, Hutch parked his car next to the Torino. Hutch sat there for a moment staring at the front door of Starsky’s place. Rather than contemplate the reasons behind Starsky’s behavior, he stepped from the LTD and quickly headed to the front door. Hutch twisted the knob and slowly pushed the door open.

He walked in and found Starsky stretched out on the couch still wearing his clothes from the day before. Starsky’s arm was lying across his face covering his eyes. It was obvious Starsky was not asleep given the heavy sigh which escaped him.

The arm slowly moved away and the eyes stared up at him. Hutch gave Starsky a small smile. “You go on a binge last night?”

Starsky sighed and pushed himself to a sitting position. He rubbed his eyes and kept his back to Hutch. “Nope. Just stayed put. What are you doing here?”

“I thought I should check up on you. I got a phone call this morning.”

Starsky stood up and headed to the kitchen purposefully keeping his eyes away from his inquisitive partner. “If Dobey’s pulling us in on a weekend, tell him I’m sick. I’m not working today.”

Hutch followed Starsky and leaned against the cabinet. “Starsk, your mother called me this morning. She’s worried about you. You didn’t call her last night.”

Starsky pulled the container of orange juice. He removed the lid and tossed it on the counter. “I’ll call her later.” He tipped the carton taking large drinks. When Starsky finished off the remainder of it, he stole a quick glance at Hutch. Starsky tossed the carton in the trash can. “So, is that why you came by?”

“I came by because she’s not the only one who’s worried about you, buddy.”

“Everything’s fine, Hutch. Just a rough couple of days.”

“Don’t, Starsk. You haven’t been yourself for a couple of days. When I think about it, you’ve been off since your birthday.”

Starsky turned around and reached for the cabinet. Hutch knew from the silence of his partner, he had nailed it. But what it was escaped him. “Starsky, does this have something to do with your birthday?”

Starsky let his hand drop to his side and headed into the living room. Hutch quickly followed. “I’m bushed today, so I’ll probably stay in today.”

Hutch touched Starsky’s arm. “Starsky, what is it? Talk to me, buddy.”

At the touch of Hutch’s arm, Starsky felt an ache in his heart. He took a deep breath and swallowed the hard lump in his throat. “You gave me a great party, Hutch. I’ll never forget it.”

A tight ball of fear gripped Hutch’s heart. “Just tell me, please.”

Starsky shook his head. “It’s stupid really.” He stepped away from Hutch and looked out the window. “It’s been so long, Hutch. Twenty-three years and now I’m the same age as when he…” Starsky’s head lowered. “It was never supposed to be like this.”

“Are you talking about your father?”

Starsky nodded not trusting himself to speak.

“He died the same age as you are now,” Hutch said fully understanding.

Starsky vehemently shook his head. He whirled around and gave Hutch a furious look. “It’s not fair!” Starsky yelled. “I should’ve had those twenty-three years with him! Those were mine!”

Hutch was taken aback at the anger in Starsky. He had never seen it before. “Starsky, it wasn’t your father’s fault.”

“Don’t patronize me, Hutch.” Starsky shook his head. “I know what happened to him.”

“Then why are you angry?”

“I’m not,” Starsky said without looking at Hutch.

Hutch walked over to Starsky. “Don’t lie to me, buddy. You are pissed as hell and I’d like to know why.”

“Just leave it alone, Hutch. I’m tired and I don’t feel like dealing with this right now. I’ll call ma and apologize for not calling her yesterday.”

“Given how you’ve acted the last few days, I’d say you’ve done a hell of a job not dealing with it.”

“Don’t get all analytical, Hutch,” Starsky warned. “I’m not in the mood for it.”

“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is eating away at you, Starsk. I’d be a pretty rotten friend and partner if I let it go.”

Starsky ignored Hutch and walked over to the couch. He slumped down and ran his hands over his face. “Hutch, it’ll pass.”

Hutch stood in front of Starsky and looked down at his partner. “We’ve been partners and friends for a hell of a long time now, Starsk. This is the first time I’ve ever seen you deal with your father’s death like this.” Hutch saw the firm shake of Starsky’s head. He knelt down in front of Starsky. Hutch placed his hands on Starsky’s knees and looked into his eyes. “Starsk, don’t close me off, buddy. You’re hurting. Please.”

A solemn look came over Starsky. He suddenly stood up and Hutch followed suit. “You don’t get it, Hutch. It’s something you’d never understand in a million years.”

“Then explain it to me. I can’t do anything if you don’t talk to me,” Hutch pleaded.

“I was 12 years old, Hutch. Just a kid who barely knew what was up in the world.” Starsky shook his head as if in denial. “I came home from school and found out Pop wouldn’t be coming home.”

Starsky turned around and looked at Hutch. “He went to work that morning, Hutch. I saw him getting ready and I saw him leave. I came home. I couldn’t tell ya’ how long it was from the time I got home from school to the time it was when Ma told me he wasn’t coming back. I don’t know.” He ran his hands through this thick curly hair trying to grapple with his raging emotions. “All I could figure out at that point was that I would never see him again.”

Hutch cleared his throat. “What happened, Starsk?”

“Nothing. There was a funeral and then we went back to our lives.”

“Did you mourn for your father, Starsk?”

Starsky’s laugh was bitter. “Yeah, I cried. Ma cried and so did Nicky.”

“Jesus, Hutch, that day, I kept looking for Pop to come and he didn’t. The next day, I did it again. Even on the day of his funeral, I looked for him. I kept looking at that damn door waiting for him to walk through it and he never did. Even though my head knew he was never coming back…” Starsky shook his head unable to voice what his heart was saying.

“Your heart couldn’t accept it,” Hutch finished sadly.

Starsky walked to the window staring at the sunny sky. “It was like he just left,” Starsky said softly. “That’s how it felt.”

Hutch moved closer to Starsky. He put his hand on his best friend’s shoulder and softly squeezed it. “You’re angry at him because it felt like he left you.”

Starsky wiped the moisture from his eyes. He shook Hutch’s hand from his shoulder and stepped away. “He did leave, Hutch. I’ve told myself a thousand times that it wasn’t his fault. He was killed and that’s why he’s not here. But he left.”

Hutch took a step forward and Starsky swung his hand. The lamp crashed loudly to the floor breaking into jagged pieces. “How in the hell could he do that to me!” Starsky yelled. “I needed him!”

The tears fell uncontrollably on Starsky’s face. “Starsk…,” Hutch whispered.

Starsky closed his eyes ignorant of his wet cheeks. “I tell myself every year it wasn’t his fault. He wouldn’t have left if he could have helped it. But, Jesus, Hutch, it’s been so long.” Starsky opened his eyes and gazed at his partner feeling his heart ripping. “Sometimes, I still feel like that same little kid who stood in the middle of the living room that day.”

Hutch went to Starsky and grasped his arm. “How did you feel that day, Starsk?”

Starsky suddenly found himself standing in the house he lived in as a child. The quiet voices filtered around but never to him. There were looks aimed at him and then they averted when he made eye contact. Starsky heard his mother’s voice and when he looked at her, he felt the agony ripping into his chest. The heaviness in his chest made it so hard to breathe.

Hutch appeared before him and Starsky realized he was back in the present. Starsky found his voice. “Lost,” Starsky whispered. “I felt lost and alone like I was the only person in the world.” Starsky looked into Hutch’s eyes. “I never felt that way before Pop left.”

“Starsky, he didn’t leave. He died.”

Starsky buried his face in his hands. “I know, Hutch, but why does it feel like he left me,” Starsky cried. “I hate feeling like this knowing that he would’ve come home if he could have.”

Hutch pulled Starsky close and held him tightly. “The last time you saw your father, Starsk, he was leaving. God, it’s no wonder you’ve felt abandoned.”

Starsky laid his head on Hutch’s shoulder and found safety in the warmth of his partner’s arms. “Every year that passed since that day made it feel like I was getting farther and farther away from him. For some stupid reason, I still waited for him to come home.”

Hutch held onto Starsky tighter feeling his shoulders shake from the grief. He quietly listened to the broken voice of his partner. “Even when I came out here, I wanted him to come and get me. I prayed for him to take me home, Hutch.”

Starsky lifted his head and wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “I miss him so much and I feel like I got a big hole in my chest. It hurts, Hutch.”

“Starsky, are you worried that you’ll die since you’re now the same age as he was?”

“I used to think that,” Starsky admitted. “I’ve always wanted him to come back and I never wanted to let it go.”

Hutch brought his hand up and wiped the tears Starsky missed away. “I know it hurts. You’ve held onto this for so long. It’s time to let it go, buddy. Time to let him go.”

“This is going to sound nuts, but I don’t want to. I’m scared to.”

“If you don’t, you’ll keep waiting for him, Starsk. This pain you feel will stay with you for the rest of your life and I know it’s not what you want.”

Starsky knew Hutch was right. He felt like the scared little boy he once was, but he also knew he couldn’t keep going like this. Hutch guided Starsky to the couch and sat him down. “The first step is to pick up the phone and call your mother. She needs to know what you’ve been carrying with you all these years.”

“I don’t want to hurt her, Hutch.”

Hutch gave his friend a soft smile. “She knows you’re hurting. It’s also a new beginning, Starsky. Take it.”

Starsky nodded giving Hutch a hopeful smile. Hutch returned the smile as Starsky reached for the phone.